To think being a young mum isn't all that bad?

[Peedoffo]

I had my DD young , I had just turned 20 9 years down the line and life is very good. Still with my DH. I was told that I had ruined my life by a few people. Own our own home very healthy income. The only negative I'd say is I've had to build a career juggling a child. Completing university and masters degree I only have 1 DC because of this juggling would have liked 2 with a smaller age gap but hey ho. It hasn't been world ending I have taken DD on numerous trips she's been to Australia , Singapore , USA and all over.

I'm just wondering where any young mums feel the same ? Things have fallen into place very well.

It worked out for me. First at 21 and then second at 28. Married at 20. I went back to work after my first and spent the year slowly establishing a proper career. When I had my second, I went back to again and continued.

I bought my first house alone at 19. Never been to uni.

At 34 exh had some sort of mental break and became hugely paranoid and controlling. I had the means to leave. And buy another house (in a cheaper area) alone.

Dd has just gone to Uni and ds is in secondary. Life is good. I earn well. I am progressing well at work. The people who have the same amount of experience I have, mainly have young kids. They can’t be as flexible, travel short notice etc as I can, so I get more opportunities.

However, not a chance would dd be able to buy a home alone at 19 (which she will be in 6 months). I wouldn’t recommend she got married young either. Dd wouldn’t be benefitting from cheap housing that then goes up in value and gives you some stability and capital. As a single parent I bought a cheap house but had plenty of equity. So small mortgage now. Don’t really have to penicillin about interest rates.

I think having kids has its pros and cons at any age. It can work out well or not, at any age. But I think it’s disingenuous to suggest because being a young mum worked out for me, by accident really (not liked I planned it this way) means that it works out for the majority or that it would be the same today.

I think it is worth remembering there is quite a tight line of tolerance on here regarding the ages women should be when they have their babies.

Under 30 is too young - you get lots of harumphy comments about ‘well I was having a ball travelling the world and establishing my million pound career in my twenties but you do you’ if someone under the age of 30 thinks of having a baby. (Under 25 forget it.)

But if you mention TTC over the age of about 37 there’s a lot of doom stories as well and the inference a lot of the time is how selfish you are.

Really, while MN can be useful in some ways only you know you and what works best for your own life.

No it's better to be older and more experienced.

I had one at 23 and one at 25. But i already had bought a house and had a career as didn’t go to uni. Just as house prices were jumping up.

Downsides were we were then stuck in a starter house for 5 years and you do lose out on having freedom in your 20's. Less financial security.
Upsides are having pregnancies while very fit and bounce back quicker and having freedom in your 30's onwards.

I wouldn't want my dc to settle down young like i did though...

Being a mum is the most amazing thing you can do, but having a baby so early means you’ve missed out on a lot of life experiences.

However, having never had them, you don’t know what you’ve missed. So it’s good that you’re happy and you got lucky, but your opportunities were seriously limited.

What experiences?

I had dd at 17, I'm now 30. Like PPs I went to uni in my 20's and focused hard on my career when dd started school. I was a single parent from dd being 1 - 9 years old. Bought a house at 29 and dd's dad and partner joined me and dp for Christmas last year, and will this year. It can all work out with lot of determination and hard work.. I would be devastated if dd followed my path though.

One child means either loss of one income or paying childcare fees which are hugely expensive especially before free hours kick in. That's what makes it expensive, not clothes etc at that stage which can be bought second hand.

I admire what you've achieved OP but it comes across as tone deaf that at the age of around 29/30, you're describing how your life is great because you're a home owner and have been able to afford to travel half way round the world with your child.

Most people your age are not fortunate enough to afford that.

It's fantastic you have no regrets. But I wasn't mature enough in my 20s and spent those 10 years dicking around with my friends, spending too much money and making poor relationship choices! It was lots and lots of fun though.

Glad I didn't do it that way round, personally, and I wouldn't want any of that life for my kids at 20 either, but it's good that you are happy with your own life choices.

I know people who had kids in their 40s and regretted it. It can be hard to settle down to family life when you're used to your freedom. Easier in that regard perhaps to not know what you are missing.

I would absolutely not have been happy with my own children bringing home a partner who was 6 years older when they were still teens. I would have strongly counselled against that (well frankly I hope I would have done enough work beforehand so that wasn't even on their radar).

If i had had my kids at 20, my parents would have been less available to help not more, because both were still working full time themselves then.

DH and I both went into high paid graduate jobs at 21, yet we could still only afford to buy a flat at 27, and that was with family help. I'd guess OP probably lives in a less expensive part of the country.

I wouldn't have wanted to have a baby young if it meant relying on benefits because I couldn't afford childcare to work & wasn't old enough to have any savings. Its one thing when someone makes that choice a few years down the line having worked & earned as best you can, another to choose it when you are young enough to wait a few years and then start a family when better prepared.

I did it that way round too, accidental pregnancy at 18, then planned baby 2 and 3 when I was 21 and 24. I’m still with their dad, we’ve been married nearly 10 years, we own a 4 bed house, we can afford holidays etc and are generally pretty well off.

However, I do acknowledge that I was bloody lucky. Lucky to have accidentally got pregnant by a decent man, lucky that I landed a good job, lucky that we’ve been able to buy our homes while having kids and that I was able to fudge our mortgage applications enough that I managed to hide the childcare bill, otherwise we wouldn’t have been able to buy.

It’s not a choice I would recommend, even though it has worked for us.

One child means either loss of one income or paying childcare fees which are hugely expensive especially before free hours kick in. That's what makes it expensive, not clothes etc at that stage which can be bought second hand.

This. Op how did you pay for childcare eg when studying? Did you have any family help?

I think a lot of young mums forget to acknowledge the amount of external support they may have had, whether through family childcare or financial help, or benefits because they aren't earning enough. Not everyone has access to family support eg childcare help.

hat I was able to fudge our mortgage applications enough that I managed to hide the childcare bill, otherwise we wouldn’t have been able to buy.

If you lied on the application/knowingly left out information, did you know that's fraud? I hope you just mean you managed to time applications before bills kicked in.

Government paid. I did same as OP and you got free childcare for FE and a childcare element in student grants/loans.

Shame to miss out on those carefree early twenties years. I would feel sad if my dds chose this but you make the best of it I guess.

Indeed and my kids have this... but... my 20s would have never been carefree for a number of reasons I won't go into.

Why do you hope that? She did something shady that hurt nobody and benefitted her and her children. Good on her.

We had our children late, which meant we were still supporting them as we approached retirement. My old school friends who had children much younger were free empty nesters in their early 40’s - probably a better idea.

@MilkyYay no I didn’t time it before the bills, I put £2500 into a tax free childcare account a couple of months before the final application, and paid the nursery invoices from there, so that when they checked my bank statements no childcare showed. And I fraudulently claimed I had no childcare costs. I have no regrets, my mortgage was £300 a month less than the rent we were paying - highly recommend anyone else struggling with the affordability calculation to do the same actually!

I'm just about to be an early 40s empty nester and I'm sad about it. Grass is always greener etc.

People will tell you all you've missed out on, it's not very MN to have kids in your low 20s. I was a young mum too. Married (to the also young dad!), big house, 2 x successful careers with uni done, lots of holidays (MN won't let it be called travelling ) happy, healthy kids excelling in school. It took a lot of hard work in those early years building careers and finances with babies, but we were young, energetic, resilient and hopeful so just did it. I would over think a baby so much now!

It's all worked out and we are happy and secure, I think the key was that our relationship worked and we were on the same page. Now I can look bad in hindsight I'm so pleased with the decisions we've made, we still have the whole world at our feet. I don't envy my friends having babies now one jot.

There is no right or wrong.
When you are young you have more energy and time when your children are school age to study and start a career but the financial side of things is often more of a struggle.Older and you might be more financially secure but not as enthusiastic!
I had my first at 30, an age that most consider ideal but 3 children on and with my youngest still being 3 years off school age I will be 40 before I can return to my established career. With 10 years out I might as well start again.
Maybe the ideal is young with a partner 10 years older!

I would have loved to have been a young mum. I'm glad things have worked out well for you. I didn't meet my OH until I was 38! I have one amazing child, but if younger I would have had at least one more. I'm 50 now and still feel broody - it's very hard sometimes. I know I'm lucky to have my beautiful DS though.

Oh don't worry I'm well aware that there's more to life than partying. The comment was purely to pre-empt the fact that that nearly always gets trotted out as a reason for why you shouldn't be a young mum.

Guess what? As a young mum I'm still young enough to do anything I want now that my dc are almost grown up.

Of course its been hard, and some people prefer to have had their dc later in life. That's fine too. I'm glad I had mine when I did.