To think cheaters usually just get on happily with their lives?

[Thisisthebeginning]

When I was younger I used to always think, 'karma will get them', 'they'll really regret it' 'they'll lose a lot of respect from people' and so on.

Now with age, it's pretty clear that people who cheat usually just get on happily with their lives, most people accept the new couple, don't fall out, the couple often stay happily together, and life goes on as normal for them.

I remember when my ex cheated a few years back. His 2 good mates were pissed off at him for a while and actually supported me over him. Eventually I didn't hear from them again and they ended up becoming close friends with his new girlfriend, the woman he'd cheated with. I expected it really and knew their loyalties had lied with him.

I still think it's disgusting to cheat.

Matt Hancock comes to mind

Maybe on paper - ex left me for the OW and has been with her longer than he was with me now - he's bored, fat, saddled with looking after her because she gave up work at the first opportunity. He seems content but he regularly tells me how much he misses our family, the silly jokes, how much I make him laugh, the mad nights we had and has never stopped - unsuccessfully trying to get into my pants - she's welcome to him!

What do you expect will happen? People will burn long standing friendships because their mate did something they don't agree with? They'll remain friends with their friend, but be childish and make a fuss about a new partner and make all future social occasions awful for everyone if they don't like the circumstances the couple got together?

I'm not excusing cheating by the way. Just think that people maintaining a friendship doesn't mean they agree with their friend's relationship decisions.

Yes I know someone who had cheated twice and now has a lovely life with his partner who for some reason absolutely dotes on him and sees him as a god like figure. All a bit odd if you ask me and also depressing.

I also know a guy who cheated in his previous marriage and in his next marriage, his wife then cheated on him. It was bizarre as it was almost like it was OK for him to do it in his past marriage but God forbid anyone cheat on him....

I agree. Not just with the cheaters. But just generally shit people slipping and sliding through life winning.

No I don't expect that they'll cease friendships really, but there just seems to be little consequence, apart from upsetting the cheatee.
I do wonder how people who got together via cheating can trust each other fully though? They've proven they can do it to their ex, why wouldn't they do it to you?

Cheating is horrible but the reality is life goes on. Most people aren't going to cut close friends or family members off or hold a grudge forever over it.

No I don't expect that they'll cease friendships really, but there just seems to be little consequence, apart from upsetting the cheatee.
I do wonder how people who got together via cheating can trust each other fully though? They've proven they can do it to their ex, why wouldn't they do it to you?
I'm not sure what sort of consequences you'd expect though. Friends and family aren't going to be lining up to disown them, so other than expressing their views on cheating, there isn't much that others can do. You don't know what's in other people's heads though. The friendship might be maintained, but they might think twice about their friend on different matters, or decide that friend isn't the one to turn to if they're having relationship issues, etc. The view of the cheater has changed, but it's hidden.

The people who get together by cheating can rarely trust each other. They've seen the lies and deception in each other, especially where one or both of them is a serial cheater.

There's no such thing as karma. People usually want to keep their friends , even if the friend has done something wrong. And I'd guess that many people cheat and then never cheat again.

I think that if someone cheats, but the relationship goes on to last, then it’s accepted.

Mine not only cheated but was a violent abuser. When he was finally removed for attempting to kill me (no legal consequences as the police fucked up big style), the phone stopped ringing the next day. All his friends, one of whom is a DI in a major police force, cut me off.

Shame as I thought that they were good caring people. Time has brought clarity that they really weren't that good or caring so I am better off without them. He now lives in an echo chamber of people who confirm his view that he is an amazing person (I see now that he is a complete narc) who deserves an amazing life. I wonder if actually they are scared of standing up to him because they all know what he is capable of. He has already been dumped by one woman for attacking her, so while I live in hope that eventually he will get his comeuppance, sadly that means another woman will get battered or worse.

I agree with you, they can leave a right mess and the partner had to pick it all up, carry on with usually less money and struggle.
The cheater just moves on, double income with less responsibility and more holidays.

That is my experience anyway.

I agree. Not just with the cheaters. But just generally shit people slipping and sliding through life winning.

Yep, liars, gossips, cheats, thieves, people who walk all over everyone else to get on top and the general rude, arrogant, twats who look down on everyone. They always seem to be the ones "winning" at life, fucks me right off.

What consequences should there be? It's not illegal to cheat, and human behaviour comes in many shades of grey and is not black and white.

All that said though.....about the users and arseholes "winning" at life.....

My uncle has been a complete cunt to my Aunt (mothers sister and my Godmother) for nearly 60 years. Cheating, lying, abusive and maybe violently abusive. She never left, he would have made her life hell and left her penniless and without her children if he had, back before women had the protection they have now.

She has vascular dementia and all that stored up hatred for him is coming out. She holds nothing back and he, in his 80's suddenly stopped being so attractive to young silly women who believed his lies a good 20 years ago. He said to my mother just a few weeks ago that perhaps he was getting what he deserved.

So......sometimes it does happen, just not always as fast as we would like or in the way we expect. I for one am certain that my ex will die alone. Loads of people at his funeral but no one will be there who loves him.

Yes, this.

But then I wonder is a cheat, a liar, a thief capable of self reflection? can we hold a savage responsible for their deeds? can an animal answer to its crimes if it acts on instincts? can we hold all people to account when some simply lack the basic intelligence to have any moral compass.

It's interesting that bad people do indeed seem to live much happier lives.

But, I guess most of us could if we were simply too ignorant to even own our own wrongdoing.

I should add that I think my ex knows that he will not die with a loving family around him and friends mourning him. He absolutely hates that I am happy and loved and living a good life, although he would never admit that even with a gun to his head, so that is all the karma I need.

True. None of the cheaters I knew ever got their comeuppance. Including my dad.

I find it odd that people talk about karma with regards to cheating. Surely if karma exists then the cheatee must have done something to deserve it. That's clearly not the case so why would the cheater get comeuppance through karma?

Life isn't fair unfortunately.

Yeah there’s no karma and people who cheat once won’t always make a habit of it. I always think it’s really unhelpful on cheating threads on here when posters try and convince someone whose ex is demonstrably happy that he isn’t really or that he’ll cheat on his new partner/wife and they’ll split up. He might but he also might not and that’s the wrong way to approach getting over someone anyway. I also wouldn’t ditch a friend just because they’d cheated on their partner, I don’t see it as relevant to me.

I know someone who cheated on his wife. Devastated the family and when he eventually married the OW not one of his kids attended and they don’t have much if anything to do with him. They were all previously very close and almost a model family. So yeah, sometimes they lose everything that’s important.

@MiniTheMinx I feel like self reflection only comes when people are losing/in a lower position. Ive never seen content people self relfect, even if they are shitbag people with a pile of destruction behind them.

I dont know if some people are 'luckier' but its something that pisses me off alot as i get older. Ive been dragged through the trenches, at 34 have gone through more than most 70 year olds. I find it comes naturally to some people to have a conscience and be good. And others the complete opposite.

I find isolating myself and having zero faith in anyone works well with lowering my expections and the blows people deliver!

Im currently still with my cheater although I do plan to get away at the right time.
On the outside it looks like hes got away with it but the good thing about me staying is I got to watch the mental health breakdown he had soon after . He'd be having days and days of tears and although one part of me wanted him to get better another part of my brain couldn't help but think "HAH, that's what you get for having fun behind my back ."
The voice inside my head would be giggling.

This with (festive) bells on. There is no use in holding on to bitterness (although I know full well it is hard to let it go) - the best revenge you can possibly have is being happy and leading a good life.

I agree with every word of this.

Also the premise of this thread seems to be that cheaters get found out, or leave their relationships for the other person. I think they are probably the minority of cheaters. The vast majority cheat and never even get found out. I certainly know of quite a few of those.