To think cheaters usually just get on happily with their lives?

[Thisisthebeginning]

When I was younger I used to always think, 'karma will get them', 'they'll really regret it' 'they'll lose a lot of respect from people' and so on.

Now with age, it's pretty clear that people who cheat usually just get on happily with their lives, most people accept the new couple, don't fall out, the couple often stay happily together, and life goes on as normal for them.

I remember when my ex cheated a few years back. His 2 good mates were pissed off at him for a while and actually supported me over him. Eventually I didn't hear from them again and they ended up becoming close friends with his new girlfriend, the woman he'd cheated with. I expected it really and knew their loyalties had lied with him.

I still think it's disgusting to cheat.

Yes - my ex has been happily (I presume) remarried for nearly 20 years, retired earlier than I did ) and lives quite a nice life. I'm alone except for my grown up kids who live nearby. I'm happy enough on my own though, at least I can do what I like, but to most people it must look as though he has the best life.

In my experience people don't get eaten by guilt very often and can often justify the things they do (even terrible things) quite easily "I was unhappy" seems like a good enough reason to hurt someone else. Certainly more than enough reason to cheat for some. I used to make excuses for people, I suppose I didn't want to face the reality, and then I was absolutely convinced that they would remember what they had done until the day they died. 😂 Nope - they don't do that (imo)

It's actually a great feeling to realise that - you don't live in their head and they aren't giving you a second thought. They are focused on what is right in front of them. If they contact you it is to feed their ego - not calm your heart.

It's the kinder hearted or more vulnerable people who are wracked with painful memories, maybe because they struggle to understand the cheating in the first place because it isn't something they would do. Realising that truth gave me much more peace in the long run than believing they still care, or feel bad about it. And I am so grateful is my past and not my present.

I don't believe all cheaters are equal.

My Mum cheated on her first husband with my Dad. He was a nasty, controlling, violent narc who treated her like crap-why did she owe him any loyalties? She'd never cheat on my Dad and hadn't ever before.

I cheated on my ex. She was abusive, violent and abusing drugs. She treated me (& her children) like crap. I fell into someone else's arms after years of it. I don't believe this makes me a bad person and again, I've never done anything like that before or since.

Nail on the head there
These kind of people win at life don't they ?
It is depressing and karma seems to avoid them as well.

I for my part know that none of my abusive and/ or cheating exes are happy, but then they never have been, hence the abuse and the cheating in the first place.

They have, however, taught me to focus a bit more on myself and to stop feeling guilty abot it. I still have morals, unlike them, but I also learned it doesn't hurt to look after myself and I am now a happier person as a result.

My mother spent her mid- to late life being bitter about how my cheating father got on with his life and lived well. If she had focused even just half her energy on improving her own life she'd have been a much happier person; instead, she just became miserable and stuck in her ways.

I didn't make the same mistake. I focus on my life, my kids, and fuck everyone else's opinions. And that confidence and energy draws in people and it draws in luck. Life is so much better now. That really is the best revenge (I know from my kids that my ex is fuming at the fact I'm happy, confident and improving my life).

That's awful @TweezeMe. I would worry about your mental health from that post.

Surely that's more soul destroying and damaging for you to pretend to be in a loving relationship and sleep with a man that you secretly despise/hate than to go your separate ways, move on and find healthier partnerships?

Karma isn't necessarily about bad things happening to a bad person. It's about the wronged person moving on, gaining acceptance and achieving happiness with someone else.

Life isn't black and white.

If my DH didn't feel happy with our relationship and felt the need to cheat, I would rather he did so and then we moved on rather than feeling that he had to stay with me out of FOG and becoming increasingly resentful. And vice versa.

I think most do just get on with their lives but it usually involves a massive change of friendship groups and move.

I only know of two people (both men - and that I'm aware of) who left their wives for someone new. Both moved away to be with the OW so both set up new friendship groups. One of these guys - although still in touch with his old male mates has lost all respect from them (I know this because he's DH's mate). But he was always a bit of a loser so I don't think they mind drifting from him. If one of the more central guys in the group cheated they would be annoyed but would forgive.

I think women need their support network more especially when they have kids so it feels like a huge risk to up sticks and move away with someone new.

My ex has been married to OW for 20 years, very happy I guess. They foster abandoned animals, and are bringing up her granddaughter whose parents couldn't manage her. I still hate what he did to me, but he is living a good life . There are many shades of grey in our existence.

It's not just cheaters though. Although that's bad enough.
Too many nasty horrible people also manage to fall on poo and still come up smelling of roses.
Trampling over everyone and everything yet nothing bad happens to them ; they tend to get more. Life isn't always fair.

Unfortunately yanbu. They do generally get on with their lives and come up smelling like roses in most aspects of their lives because they are happy to trample on anyone and do not give a shit about anyone.

I read on here that karma is an instant thing, if you cheat, then karma says you are a cheat. Not everyone will see it but one or two will and their opinion of you will be forever changed. i know a friend of my dh is a cheat and I will never be the same with him. I won't act out in public but he and I both know (without ever saying so) that I now think very little of him

You're right. No such thing as karma. Unfortunately!

Yes they do. I learned long ago that karma isn't a thing. As pp have said the best way is to endure your own life is as happy as possible. But it's easier said than done.

In the end what matters is that you move on with your life and don't allow anyone who cheated on you to still take some of your headspace.

Leave them to their grubby life and just focus on being happy.

There's no such thing as karma, as has already been said.

The best thing is to focus on your own life.

It's an awful thing to do but I don't know what kind of retribution or 'karma' you would be expecting. There's no big measuring scale in the sky making sure everyone gets what they deserve.

People cheat, rightly or wrongly, and there's usually a fallout at the time it happens i.e. breakup of the relationship, anger/ hurt/ people might fall out with them etc.

Then people tend to move on with their lives in the new situation.

My ExW cheated. More than once

i didn’t expect her friends and family to never speak to her again, but what I did expect was some acceptance of the actual facts. What I got was (mutual) friends telling me I was wrong (after it had all come out and I had proof), and parroting her version of events as fact.

I understand people will stick by someone. I don’t understand why they twist facts and revise history in order to do that.

But then I wonder is a cheat, a liar, a thief capable of self reflection? can we hold a savage responsible for their deeds? can an animal answer to its crimes if it acts on instincts? can we hold all people to account when some simply lack the basic intelligence to have any moral compass.

.....better to be Socrates dissatisfied than a fool satisfied?

I left an unhappy marriage after cheating. 10 years on I am still with the "OM" (who was single at the time)

I have had recurrent miscarriages. Is that the kind of karma you're looking for, OP?

Human behaviour is not black and white. Not all marriages are happy. I regret the way things ended with my ex husband but I would not change a single thing.

Very sorry to hear about your miscarriages but I don't think that's quite what I was getting that, you're just projecting that pain into this conversation for whatever reason. I don't think that being unhappy in a marriage is an excuse for cheating, but as you say behaviour isn't black and white, people mess up.

My cheating boyfriend is still happy with his bit on the side over 25 years later. I wished karma on him at the time but it was obviously the right thing for him. Im glad that my memories of getting together with my husband are gorgeous and guilt free. I wonder if my ex and his wife feel a bit grubby when they think about what they did, but they probably see themselves as Romeo and Juliet or something. I think people always have a way to excuse their behaviour.

You're saying that people who cheat should be unhappy / have some karma visit them. I'm asking what kind of karma? Unhappy relationships forever? Chronic health conditions? Having a bird shit on their head every day for the rest of their lives? I'm giving an example of something that has made me unhappy - Sonia it deserved? If I said my now husband had cheated on me - would that appease you?

My ex husband cheated on me 6 times in the early days of our relationship (before we were married). Was what I did worse because we were married?

Where do you draw the line, OP?

I think many cheaters are too selfish to collapse into a puddle of regrets. They justify and turn everything to suit their narrative. When you lie so much you start believing your own lies, you spin your tale with conviction, you come across as charming because you experience zero shame or guilt so people believe you.

Couldn't agree more. Once a cheater, always a cheater is a bullshit trope rolled out to make people feel better. It's not nearly true.

I wonder if my ex and his wife feel a bit grubby when they think about what they did, but they probably see themselves as Romeo and Juliet or something.

Probably neither @Sallyingon, they probably don't think about it much at all.

I was in a very bad place when my cheating ex split with me. (Drinking, self destruction)
I had nothing better to do than make his life as uncomfortable as I could with a bright and breezy smile 😃
I treated it as sport.
I turned our mutual friends against him (He tried to insert the OW into my place in our friendship group as I had to move away, they told him where to go as i made sure they knew all the gory details)
I took a much loved hobby away from him (He was very uncomfortable with me still going, but I had made loads of friends there so was always present, in the background, bothering him, he stopped going in the end)
I then fucked his best friend.
He was devastated.
I've now moved on and fallen head over heels in love with someone so I've blocked him from all social media
He's terrified of bumping into me with her in case she works out that he wasn't single when they got togther.
It's hilarious. 🙃
They don't always prosper.