Parents always wanting to be involved and upset I am in a relationship

[Hottimesahead]

I am 44, lived in my own for 23 years, own house and fairly successful job as a senior manager.l am quite independent and not too bad in making decisions in my life. My parents constantly want to be involved in making decision in my life private and personal and feel they need to be involved in everything.

Growing up they were strict and could be controlling, but always made sure I was independent. I now live 250 miles away from them. I keep In contact regularly and do share my life, just not in detail anymore. I have told them previously to stop getting upset if I make a decision without telling them, especially about work, where there views are old fashioned. I know don’t talk too in-depth about work.

Now here is the issue. I never really introduced them to any partners as they were always saying I could do better and it was annoying. Always saying they knew it wouldn’t work when it ended.
However current partner has met them as I feel he maybe the one that makes the distance. it went well and they liked him - said he was confident but seemed caring around me.

Some reason ironically they think he is controlling. That is further from the truth. He is confident, a planner, but not controlling. He always makes sure I am happy. We do lots together, some things he prefers, others I like. It’s compromise and we certainly don’t force each other to do anything we don’t like.

currently on holiday in a city break and my partner has planned lots of things to do, made from a list we both did. He has made lots of effort. My parents have been texting and calling constantly asking if I am ok. Making sure I get to do what I want and are safe. My partner surprised me with theatre tickets to a show I wanted to see and my parents kicked off saying it’s controlling. It was lovely as it’s a show I wanted to see.

The other week they said they felt like they were losing me to him as I spend lots of time with him. Reassured them they are not, but I am planning a future with the guy I love. They got upset saying I am distant and he is to blame. I just have less free time. They tried to video call and I missed it as busy having fun - got a message saying I don’t care about them. They don’t do this with my brother.

how do I get them to back off. He is not controlling they are. I just feel they can’t accept someone in my life. I can’t tell him this as he will get upset. I also don’t want to choose.

You aren’t going to get them to back off at this stage, they’re too set in their ways. Continue to enforce your own healthy boundaries as much as you can and disregard all of the emotionally manipulative things they say. Continue your happy life with your partner and keep a significant distance from them. They’re infantilising you and it’s really not healthy.

Don't take their calls and block their texts while you are away. Once you are back, have a proper conversation with them and explain what is acceptable.
But, in future, just tell them the bare minimum - why did they need to know that you were going on holiday at all? This kind of behaviour from them is too much, and you have been conditioned into thinking that you have to tell them all about your life - you don't.

I think you need to tell them very, very little. Interesting how they are projecting that your DP is being controlling!

Reducing the amount you contact them is vital. Ring them once a week. Any complaints and you hang up. You are 44 not 14...
Remember that op.

Well you are right that they are the controlling ones.
But you say you don't want to have to choose? You have to choose. You have to choose YOU! And if that means pissing them off and creating even more distance, that's what you have to do. They have to sort their own heads out (whether they will or not). YOU are not responsible for them.
Be happy with your man OP.

I think you need to set some ground rules and stick to them until they become the new normal. Set the level of contact you feel comfortable with, be that in person, on the phone or via text. I wouldn't be too rigid with it because if you stipulate (for example) calls can only take place at 4pm on Sundays then you'll start to dread it.

You may need to actually say to them that their behaviour is pushing you away and making you less likely to see them or share details with them.

^^ absolutely this - try and not engage with any of their false assumptions, you will end up getting frustrated with the circular arguments (I’m sure you already are).

Deflect as much as possible and dont feel you have to explain/reassure/justify yourself. When they say they feel you’re ignoring them, pulling away or whatever rather than getting into ‘no I’m not’ ‘yes you are’ battles just say you’re really sorry they feel that way.

good luck

Don't tell them things. Just don't. Get into the habit of ringing them once a week and telling them the bare minimum about your life. There's no need to be in contact with them when you're away with your partner. My DM is very controlling and subtly puts me and my sister off partners/jobs/any decision she doesn't approve of. They may disapprove of your partner because they worry he might highlight to you how unhealthy your relationship with them is. As PP say they are infantilising you and clearly don't trust you to make good choices or spot potential danger.

Eurgh how creepy and suffocating. Why do they think they are entitled to even an opinion on your life?

Good grief Op, you are 44 not 14 - you can see who you like, when you like and you don't owe them detailed explanations!

If you carry in like this you risk ruining your new relationship. Be firm, tell them you are happy, that the level of contact you have is suffocating and that they need to let you live your life your way.

Are there any other issues at play here? Are they trying to sabotage your relationship and adult independence so that you will be totally available to move in with them and provide care when they are older?

might be time to be blunt - back off parents you are suffocating me.

This is ridiculous. Always thought my late in-laws were a bit overbearing and over invested in DH’s life but they weren’t’ as bad as this. And he’s an only. He did what you did, moved 200 miles away, and phoned home once a week as a pp suggested.

Oh the irony of them calling anyone else controlling.

They won't back off, so you need to. Stop giving them any details. I'd also start saying "if you're just going to criticise, I'm going to hang up" and then follow through.

They're the ones who are controlling! They sound like selfish nightmares. You'd think they'd be happy for you, yet all they can think about is how they're losing control over you.

Don't tell them things in advance and let them think your life is boring. You live nowhere near them. How will they know if you have been to the theatre or out for the weekend if you don't tell them? If you really must tell them after you have done it, "we went to the theatre, we had a good trip away".

My PIL are like this with my SIL. In fact, when I read this, I thought it was her. They have seen off lots of her partners and micromanaged her life and she is nearly 50. If she doesn't do as they say, they don't speak to her for months. They tried to control us, but failed miserably and that's why she absolutely hates me

Just check that he isn't controlling, we tend to replicate our parents relationships if we haven't dealt with the issues before meeting a partner.

Now from your post it doesn't seem like that at all so I'm replying from that view point.

Do you think they expect you to care for them in the future?
Do you get on well enough with your brother to discuss this?

I'd get a different phone number for them, or my phone you can block people for certain lengths of time.

The fact that you are writing this post shows how much they are affecting your life, decide your boundaries and just repeat and grey rock.

I think I'd write to them telling them how you feel so they can't claim he's controlling you while you're on the phone to them.

Be very firm of your boundaries and give examples when they have exceeded them. Assure them you love them BUT this excessive behavior MUST STOP NOW. You could point out that if they persist they will only push you into reduced contact with them.

It is neither normal nor healthy for them to be so engaged in the life of their very adult child. They are very odd indeed.

I have the same issue. My parents confuse closeness with involvement. If their opinion isn't asked for or I go against one the wailing about being a close family and losing me starts. Feel free to look at my thread regarding Christmas!

They'll never like your partner. Or any. They're perceived a threat to your relationship with them because you make decisions with them instead. Any boundaries you set are their fault and at their instigation.

They will call your partner controlling for doing the things they do themselves, but that's fine when they do it because 'they do it out of love' 🙄

My parents were the EXACT same - I told them if they didn't back off I would stop all contact with them. It's my life - and I'll live my life how I choose I am an adult not a child.

And low and behold - they backed off and now we have a really good relationship!

Do they not have any hobbies or a life of their own? I had a friend with parents like yours. The mum had always been a SAHM and the dad had retired early. They literally had zero friends and never went anywhere so were over invested in my friend's life (school, relationships, jobs etc). She ended up going no contact with them as she just felt so suffocated

Your partner sounds lovely and you seem very happy. Congratulations. At 44 and running you life successfully, good job ext, you know what will make you happy and as this relationship is important to you, you should make sure your parents don't put it at risk.
It is lovely he surprized you with theatre tickets. For the future I would be more general in my conversations with parents. For example say you both had a lovely time seeing a show you wanted to see. Don't say he surprized you, don't necessarily say well in advance. If you tell them afterwards just say they were bought at the last minute.
I know not telling them about lovely surprizes and them being glad for you takes a bit of the pleasure away, but until they back off I think it's the best option.
They live you but have got used to having you more to themselves and are being a bit selfish.
I agree this doesn't happen with brothers so much. Often parents are quicker to learn that if they want to maintain good relationships with sons they don't want to antagonise their partner too much. Somehow with daughters they don't make that connection and it puts unreasonable pressure on you.
My parents were the same and I made the mistake of allowing this kind of thing to go on far too long.
Best wishes op. You are 44, in you know what you are doing. Be pleasant, happy, friendly in conversations with your parents but don't give too much information, either of the fun things or when you and partner have a disagreement. Possibly challenge them lightly that they are not the same with your brother if you think that will help. Don't stay on the phone for lengthy complaints ...you have to go ...have an appointment, someone's at the door ext, will ring again next week. 😃💐

It sounds rather suffocating for you, OP. You mention "they" - acting as a team - but I wonder if it is one of the parents encouraging the other into the same silly behaviour. Which is the dominant one? Is it possible you could have a "tell it like it is" with the dominant one on their own followed by a neutral exchange on more important matters such as Russia/Ukraine war, state of the NHS that could maybe make them reflect they are being a bit daft? I suggest talking to that parent on their own otherwise you will get pushback from both at the same time while they egg each other on to more and more extravagant statements until you seem back under their control.

It would be lovely if you gave them no more details of your partner ie where he lives/works. If you won't back down they could possibly start targeting him.

Once a week ten minute phone call is all you can now do, your life is too busy for extended chats.

Still to:

The weather, family friends, their health

Do not tell them anything about your life. If they ask just answer yes all good. Nothing more. If you are upset, confide in a friend not them. You need to create much more distance. Turn your phone off! Stop answering.

It really is that simple.

I would keep your new man away from them. I have a horrible feeling they will sabotage this for you, so they can get you back under their control.
Don't let them.

What happened to all of your other relationships? Look closely and I think you will find the sole purpose is to keep you in their sphere.

You are a grown woman and have your own life op. Time to cut the apron strings once and for all.