Parents always wanting to be involved and upset I am in a relationship

[Hottimesahead]

I am 44, lived in my own for 23 years, own house and fairly successful job as a senior manager.l am quite independent and not too bad in making decisions in my life. My parents constantly want to be involved in making decision in my life private and personal and feel they need to be involved in everything.

Growing up they were strict and could be controlling, but always made sure I was independent. I now live 250 miles away from them. I keep In contact regularly and do share my life, just not in detail anymore. I have told them previously to stop getting upset if I make a decision without telling them, especially about work, where there views are old fashioned. I know don’t talk too in-depth about work.

Now here is the issue. I never really introduced them to any partners as they were always saying I could do better and it was annoying. Always saying they knew it wouldn’t work when it ended.
However current partner has met them as I feel he maybe the one that makes the distance. it went well and they liked him - said he was confident but seemed caring around me.

Some reason ironically they think he is controlling. That is further from the truth. He is confident, a planner, but not controlling. He always makes sure I am happy. We do lots together, some things he prefers, others I like. It’s compromise and we certainly don’t force each other to do anything we don’t like.

currently on holiday in a city break and my partner has planned lots of things to do, made from a list we both did. He has made lots of effort. My parents have been texting and calling constantly asking if I am ok. Making sure I get to do what I want and are safe. My partner surprised me with theatre tickets to a show I wanted to see and my parents kicked off saying it’s controlling. It was lovely as it’s a show I wanted to see.

The other week they said they felt like they were losing me to him as I spend lots of time with him. Reassured them they are not, but I am planning a future with the guy I love. They got upset saying I am distant and he is to blame. I just have less free time. They tried to video call and I missed it as busy having fun - got a message saying I don’t care about them. They don’t do this with my brother.

how do I get them to back off. He is not controlling they are. I just feel they can’t accept someone in my life. I can’t tell him this as he will get upset. I also don’t want to choose.

I can bet my house on the fact one of them will soon come down with a very 'serious' illness, requiring you to prioritise them again.

You aren't going to get away easily op, but you really must stay away and keep your life separate. They are motivated by their own needs not yours.

'Great point about the circular conversations. Their comments are not designed to elicit a real conversation rather just to gaslight you into believing this man is actually everything they are.'

Spot on

OP, I really feel for you because my parents are the same. They are champion gaslighters and projectors. I have a lovely partner but they've never taken to him because they just see him as a barrier to their relationship with me. They probably see him as controlling as well come to think of it!

You need boundaries of iron. I stopped phoning mine years ago, because it was miserable and pointless. I don't share anything precious or sensitive with them, I just keep it all light and fluffy, and see them rarely. It honestly felt like I had to choose between my mother's happiness or mine, and I chose mine, and I have zero regrets

One more thing. Having parents like this is sad, scary and painful. It can be very difficult to navigate on your own. I saw a therapist for several years and I can't recommend therapy enough, it was the best thing I've ever done for myself

My parents were like this so I disengaged from them.
You're an adult, you set your own boundaries.
Good luck OP

Have lots of links for outside help should they try guilt you into doing more... Send suggestions they can research themselves. Keep them busy and out of your business!

Oh dear I think I’ll be your parents one day. I’m taking your thread as a warning.

Yikes @Thereisnolight

OP have you looked at the thread in relationship section about toxic relatives? ‘But we took you to stately homes!’ it’s called. JADE technique would be handy to use with these people.

Stop telling them, it will soon become natural, it's just a habit you need to get into (not telling) and a habit you need to break (telling them). You've been conditioned to take their opinion as fact and will be probably fearful of upsetting them. Stop contacting and telling them stuff, now obviously this will be linked back to this controlling partner by them i.e. evidence that he is controlling as he is changing you - don't fall for it! Well done for seeing it though as being wrong, though rather than accepting what they say, that is a huge step. what helps me is the saying that opinions aren't facts, thoughts aren't facts and feelings aren't facts. My relative's thinks that it's my fault that their pet jumps up at me and claws my clothes/cuts my legs. Doesn't make it true.

At 14 I could understand your parents behaving like this. At 44 its beyond ridiculous. Their job was to bring you up to be an independent adult yet they are still holding on to you and are far too involved in your life.

It seems like you don't actually have conversations as such. They elicit information from you and then they make statements judging you. This is not a balanced relationship in any way, in their eyes you are still their child.

I would suggest you see a therapist to find out why you have accepted this treatment from them for so long. Why do you not think you are entitled to make your own decisions? Even them saying they think they are "losing" you to your partner is horrific, they should see this as a bonus in your life and be happy for you, but they feel ownership of you instead. It is in no way normal for a parent to think they will have their child stuck to their side so long as they both shall live!

Mum, Dad, I totally understand you're not used to me being in a serious relationship. But I am very happy. We still want to see and speak o you but of course I have less time. this is healthy as I build a love with Dave. If you keep accusing him of things he has not done, that will sour our relationship forever and I won't talk to you about this anymore.

Of course, they will just think that's another sign he's controlling you but there's not a lot you can do about that.

You can't persuade them to change I'm afraid. You've able to gloss over their issues up to now but getting a partner is often the moment things come to a head. They have a choice - to respect your choices quietly or leave you in peace. Just keep repeating it and don't engage. They are likely to throw tantrums and then strop off saying you have abandoned them which is further proof you're being controlled. Don't engage. Get therapy.

'You can't persuade them to change I'm afraid.'

Absolutely. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that you can tell them how you feel and put your case and reason with them. As others have said, they don't have genuine conversations with you where they listen and consider your point of view - they're probably not capable of it. They won't be able to hear you, and it will just be enormously frustrating and hurtful for you

My DM disagreed with a decision my DH and I made. She then told me she wouldn't be visiting us again. I said it was up to her. Realizing that didn't have the desired effect, she then told me she thought I was distancing myself from my family of origin. Having told me SHE would never visit.
It's an attack tactic, don't let it work

Your parents don't want to let you go, they are treating you as a 'grown up child'. That happens often when adult children live in parental home but not usually when they live in a house of their own, especially one a fair distance away.

If it really does bother you, when you next see your parents on your own do speak to them gently but firmly, telling them not to interfere and you must be allowed to live your life as you see fit, including making your own mistakes. Remind them how old you are and do let them know you love them.

I have one child aged 43 who lives independently but nearby. I've always made a point of not interfering or getting involved but am of course supportive. Occasionally it has been suggested that I 'should' voice my opinions :). You can't win. However I will carry on as I do.

My parents, especially my mother, were rather like yours - but worse. My mum always thought she was right too. However they were supportive of me in their way and it's a long time ago. I vowed not to be like that if I ever had children.

Oh and she implied my DH bullied me into the decision. i.e. he's controlling me

When actually she was trying to control us and what we did in our own home.

Just gradually see less of them. And do it soon.
It will worsen x 1000 when one is left alone.

What does your DP think of them? What's his take on their behaviour? If he is confident, assertive and has a good sense of self he might be able to help you in asserting what you need from the parent-child relationship.

Your family of origin and their family scripts are very powerful, if you need help navigating this either draw on someone outside the family of origin or a professional. You sound like you have a grip on the reality of the situation but emotionally, just by bringing up 'not wanting to choose' I don't think you have made the leap from cognitively assessing the situation to how to deal with it emotionally. Someone with no emotional entanglement can help you with that.

Stop telling them what you’re doing! How do they know about the theatre or anything else you’re doing on holiday unless you’re telling them! Just stop with the details. When they ask just say you’re doing this and that, nothing in particular etc no need to give them your itinerary.

You have got to get tough with them and lay down new rules. Fucking hell they are suffocating.

If they won't stop calling and texting after you've told them to, you have to tell them you're now forced to mute/block them until you're ready to talk.

I would give them zero details-why tell them you're going to a show? Keep it light and uninteresting: they can't whinge about what they don't know. Tell them you'll call them when you have time. Don't let them come between you and what sounds like a lovely partner. Ignore their calls unless you want to talk to them.

Why are some parents like this with the female children but not the male? I get the rant about my brother not calling my mum but if I don't call, there's all sorts of nonsense spouted. My brother can't stand our mother, but I get left to talk to her. Drives me nuts.

You really need to cut the apron strings right now.
Turn your phone on silent while your with your DP.

I lived at home for too long...my parents - especially my Mum - thought told my Uncle that I'd live with them and care for them in their home until they died.
Didn't happen.
I moved out within 2 months of meeting DH and we've been together for nearly 20 yrs.

I hope you and your DPartner will have many happy years together. and 💍...you never know.

I wonder if they are of the traditional mindset that, when the time comes, the dutiful DD will abandon her own independent life and move back in a caring capacity; the same expectation not necessarily held for the DS.
It does not suit them one little bit that you are developing valid reasons for not taking on this role., and as PP's have already said, there is a great deal of projection going on.
Partner or no partner, time to loosen the ties by degrees; but from your description, he sounds lovely, and not part of the problem at all!

Thanks all. I avoid telling them lots of things, but thought it would be safe to just reply back to a text asking how the holiday is going.

DP thinks my parents are controlling. He says I am different when around them - quieter.

we are off to there’s at Xmas. Staying in their new flat for 2 days. Should he ok as we are off to family for most of it.

You've had dome great advice about distancing yourself from your parents I also think you should tell them directly that they need to back off and trust you.

This statement really stood out to me:

I can’t tell him this as he will get upset.

Do you only do things that don't upset people?!

What happens if you feel you have upset someone? It sounds like you feel responsible for other people's reactions. This probably comes from having controlling parents. Other people's reactions are not your responsibility...this can be applied to both your partner and your parents.

@Hottimesahead Plan plenty of time away from the flat and your parents - lots of walks, trip to the local pub - anything to get YOU (not your partner) away from your parents...also, keep your phone OFF while you're with him, no point you both using up your battery life.

Absolutely this.

Good advice here.

OP, they just may not want you to settle down.

Perhaps privately they are hoping you will remain single and come home as they age to live with them.

Your relationship doesn't sound healthy although thankfully you are a good distance from them.

In my late 20's a few friends headed off to Australia after nursing for a few years.

One of the girls parents didn't approve but she went anyway.
They had a blast but all the time she was being guilted, until a "serious illness" necessitated in her having to return home 15 months into her visa.
Turned out to be a false alarm but they had her back.

She hugely regretted returning and the occasional drunken phone calls from her friends having fun were very upsetting.

Years later, completely out of the blue, after years of no luck with men she met a guy when she was 36 and it was very swiftly agreed they would marry quietly.

I ran into her parents, congratulated them on the wedding and happy news, and you'd swear she was dying, the sour faces on them.

They didn't approve of him, he wasn't even a doctor....which would have been some consolation to them apparently 🙄 😁.

They were appalled she was leaving them.
I had always thought they were a little odd, but kind.

Now I saw them as controlling, selfish parents who didn't care a dot if their child was happy, but cared only that their future needs be met.

She remains happily married, had a family, but was run ragged after her parents until their eventual death.

Take the advice here.
Limit those calls.
Tell them nothing.

Good luck with your relationship.