Parents always wanting to be involved and upset I am in a relationship

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I am 44, lived in my own for 23 years, own house and fairly successful job as a senior manager.l am quite independent and not too bad in making decisions in my life. My parents constantly want to be involved in making decision in my life private and personal and feel they need to be involved in everything.

Growing up they were strict and could be controlling, but always made sure I was independent. I now live 250 miles away from them. I keep In contact regularly and do share my life, just not in detail anymore. I have told them previously to stop getting upset if I make a decision without telling them, especially about work, where there views are old fashioned. I know don’t talk too in-depth about work.

Now here is the issue. I never really introduced them to any partners as they were always saying I could do better and it was annoying. Always saying they knew it wouldn’t work when it ended.
However current partner has met them as I feel he maybe the one that makes the distance. it went well and they liked him - said he was confident but seemed caring around me.

Some reason ironically they think he is controlling. That is further from the truth. He is confident, a planner, but not controlling. He always makes sure I am happy. We do lots together, some things he prefers, others I like. It’s compromise and we certainly don’t force each other to do anything we don’t like.

currently on holiday in a city break and my partner has planned lots of things to do, made from a list we both did. He has made lots of effort. My parents have been texting and calling constantly asking if I am ok. Making sure I get to do what I want and are safe. My partner surprised me with theatre tickets to a show I wanted to see and my parents kicked off saying it’s controlling. It was lovely as it’s a show I wanted to see.

The other week they said they felt like they were losing me to him as I spend lots of time with him. Reassured them they are not, but I am planning a future with the guy I love. They got upset saying I am distant and he is to blame. I just have less free time. They tried to video call and I missed it as busy having fun - got a message saying I don’t care about them. They don’t do this with my brother.

how do I get them to back off. He is not controlling they are. I just feel they can’t accept someone in my life. I can’t tell him this as he will get upset. I also don’t want to choose.

They love you, its hard for parents to let go.
Youre not unreasonable, youre trying to buld a life with a guy you love
Call them often but when it suits you, then if you miss their calls occasionally its less of a deal.
And your social life sounds lovely, carry on enjoying things with him.
Xxx

My mum accuses me of being "secretive" - I'm not, I just don't like to tell her everything! She has always been very nosy, and I think is quite gossipy with information, which I can't bear.

She tries to go behind my back & get my OH to tell her stuff - he doesn't, which drives her nuts.

I'm 57 FFS - she has no need to know what I'm up to.

No, her partner doesn't sound controlling at all.

They are fucking mental.

Even though you both created a 'list' of things to do on holiday, he arranged it all?? Sorry but that does sound a bit controlling. As do your parents

I do all the arrangements for stuff on holiday. Because I'm better at it. He arranged things from a list they both made. How is that controlling?

Your parents are worried because you may settle permanently with this man and they will lose control.
They're blatantly trying to break up your relationship.
I would tell them that if they carry on criticising your dp then they will force you to pick him and you will have very limited contact with them.

Go no contact for a few weeks and let them stew.

Crikey OP I opened this thinking you were going to say you were early 20s. Definitely need to not respond to messages, calls etc while you are away.

My sister was exactly like this and for this reason I didn’t tell her about the love of my life until I was already married which really set her off but that is fine. They are trying to sabotage your relationship because their love is a selfish love and they want you all to themselves. For my sister I think there was also a hint of jealousy and fear that I would do better than her relationship wise so she wanted to hold me back to give herself a one up.

What finally resolved it was frankly me cutting her off for years sadly. I’m not saying that is the solution with your parents just that is the point she pushed me to personally. She said things that really negatively affected my mood and made me cry constantly.

when they say they think he's controlling I think it's more that they are jealous that he (as your partner) is in a better position to control you than they are, they may not be self reflective enough to recognise it but they still see you as a child who should be subject to their authority
I think I might just feed them misinformation for my own amusement?

Sounds like my late parents. Put some boundaries in place, only answer calls when you want to m, same with text messages. Put your phone on silent if needs be. Don’t talk about your relationship and decisions. When they ask either change the subject or just say - it’s fine- or similar non committal words.

I think you just need to say
I ring you when I’m home - repeat this on texts
Or say ‘I’ll call Sunday’ and stick to that!

Honestly my DD is 20, new boyfriend all loved up, hardly see her as she flits about and he also enjoys taking her out to shows, meals cinema weekends away - and I think it’s lovely she’s found someone she likes spending time with.

I don’t see her often, but she does ring when she wants something isn’t busy

Stop telling them everything.

id find a few stock phrases

thanks for your input - then move the conversation along
I wasn't looking for advice - its not advice - well thats how I took it

back off from them otherwise you're going to end up single and caring for them in old age alone

stop behaving obediently OP!

He sounds wonderful.
don’t reply, say you are on holiday and enjoying yourself and will reply when home. Of course they think they are losing you as they are controlling cunts

I don't know who the 1% who voted YABU but jesus, she's a grown woman!

I'd be going very low contact OP - they don't want to let go and they're trying to make you doubt your relationship.

Start laying down ground rules with your parents, then stick to them

Tell them less about your day to day life. Do not respond to texts about him being controlling.

Most people get to the stage where they tell their parents to butt out well before they are 44. Just take a deep breath and tell them.

Yes it’s not so much that they are losing OP so much as they are pushing her away because she has her own life to live now and that upsets them.

Sounds to me like your parents were lining you up to sacrifice devote your life to their physical care in their dotage ("They did have a great plan of us buying a house together and then having a granny flat. I did firmly say no to this.") Yes, they "are moving beside my brother other end of the country to me" - but they don't message him that he doesn't care about them if he's out when they video-call. They reserve that for you. Because you are in their plan, as their carer.

"My parents constantly want to be involved in making decision in my life private and personal and feel they need to be involved in everything."
Because you're 'staff', not an autonomous person in their eyes. Their future carer. They feel the need to guide your decisions away from anything that could interfere with their plan for you as future carer.

"Growing up they were strict and could be controlling" - and they still are.

"Some reason ironically they think he is controlling."
Projection. They want to control you for their own ends, so therefore they think everybody else wants to control you for the same reason.

"My parents have been texting and calling constantly asking if I am ok."
They're panicking. They can see their planned carer-in-chief slipping out of their grasp. Which they've confirmed by saying to you that "they felt like they were losing me to him as I spend lots of time with him." And that would never do (in their eyes). Your time is to be available to them, future carer!

"DP thinks my parents are controlling. He says I am different when around them - quieter."
Quieter. More controlled (by them)? Or being very careful to say nothing that could set them off with their complaints in front of him, protecting him from their opinion of him?

"we are off to there’s at Xmas. Staying in their new flat for 2 days. Should he ok as we are off to family for most of it."
It won't be OK. You are going to come under a lot of pressure from them, because you having a partner affects their plans for you to be their carer. And your decision to not tell your partner "about what they have said as I don’t want to upset him and he doesn’t need to know"? How long do you reckon into the 2 days do you think it will take before they complain to his face that 'he's controlling' and they think they're losing you to him? Day one, I reckon.

"how do I get them to back off. He is not controlling they are. I just feel they can’t accept someone in my life. I can’t tell him this as he will get upset. I also don’t want to choose."
They're unlikely to back off. You being in this relationship has upset their long-held plan for you to be their carer, and that's going to bubble to the surface pretty damned quickly. And you're right, "they can’t accept someone in my life" - that's not part of their plan for you! You're meant to stay single and available to THEM! As for not wanting to choose, your parents will force the choice upon you. They will whine about losing you and try to poison your relationship (like, saying he is controlling).

Sorry OP, they're going to fight to keep their plans in place.

No you are not being unreasonable, I have parents like this aswell, although they didnt encourage independance, it will not go away, and it will eat at you I am afraid.Why cant they be happy for you?? The old fashioned saying goes 'love them, and leave them alone', you need to create new boundaries, they are controlling you and it will only get worse as they age.Do not respond to their texts and phone calls, tell them that you are busy and will call them once a week,stick to it and they will eventually get the message.Say ' do you want me to be happy? what about when you are gone, do you want me to be alone??' They need to get a life themselves obviously, and look at their own marriage, and ask themselves why they are hassling you.Its very common to do this to daughters, they are insecure and aging and want to know that you will look after them.Tell them now, and create your boundaries, they will get the message, but will try every now and again to gain control, if they keep doing it, you may need to have serious words with them and not contact for a while, best of luck

You need to walk out on your parents. Let me refrase this : run!

They feel they are lost my you because they are. But only because you’ve broken the pattern of your relationship with them and it’s brought out their insecurities. I’d just say, I’m sorry this is all a new way of being ‘us’ buy you have no reason to be so afraid of it. Life is good, I’m in love, I’m happy and nothing is going to change for the worst.

This

I agree with the PP that said your staying with them at Xmas will not be fine unfortunately.

They will try to sabotage your relationship in some way especially when they have the opportunity & control with you both in their home.

I would share your overbearing parents’ behaviours with your DP in advance & show him how you are doing grey rock. Make him know you are boundaried to them & that you are a capable adult who has separated from them but that it is them who haven’t & won’t separate from you.

You need to get him on board so he can also support you through it & afterwards kind of de-brief /laugh off their attempts to criticise, undermine, panic you into complying with their demands/scaremongering. Eg over a drink be able to say “my god I know when she said x” eye roll, laugh -to show him that it’s not getting to you & you’re not owned by her.

If you’re worried you telling him will alienate your DP - it won’t if you share with him how they are now. Otherwise if you leave it he will be likely to take their behaviour personally - if your DM snubs him or makes him feel he’s not good enough for you or even openly confronts him & tries to make him the baddie that is allegedly hurting their poor vulnerable daughter.

If I walked into toxic dynamics like that without being forewarned I might think twice about my partner’s role in it all & if they were so enmeshed they didn’t even realise how futile trying to have a relationship with them might be.

You need him to know you’re not so enmeshed that you can’t get out. You need to show him that symbolically you’re with him - not them.

Not to scaremonger you OP! It sounds like it will be your mother who tries to get in your head & panic/scaremonger you behind the scenes about him as opposed to direct confrontation with him.

He’ll still pick up on this & it will still upset you. Why when you are happy & have a chance with this person, can’t they just be happy for you & like reasonable adults enjoy a lovely Xmas altogether? Be careful of falling into fairytale thinking when the reality is very different.

Your denial about this suggests you are to some degree still minimising their behaviour.

Good luck.