Parents always wanting to be involved and upset I am in a relationship

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I am 44, lived in my own for 23 years, own house and fairly successful job as a senior manager.l am quite independent and not too bad in making decisions in my life. My parents constantly want to be involved in making decision in my life private and personal and feel they need to be involved in everything.

Growing up they were strict and could be controlling, but always made sure I was independent. I now live 250 miles away from them. I keep In contact regularly and do share my life, just not in detail anymore. I have told them previously to stop getting upset if I make a decision without telling them, especially about work, where there views are old fashioned. I know don’t talk too in-depth about work.

Now here is the issue. I never really introduced them to any partners as they were always saying I could do better and it was annoying. Always saying they knew it wouldn’t work when it ended.
However current partner has met them as I feel he maybe the one that makes the distance. it went well and they liked him - said he was confident but seemed caring around me.

Some reason ironically they think he is controlling. That is further from the truth. He is confident, a planner, but not controlling. He always makes sure I am happy. We do lots together, some things he prefers, others I like. It’s compromise and we certainly don’t force each other to do anything we don’t like.

currently on holiday in a city break and my partner has planned lots of things to do, made from a list we both did. He has made lots of effort. My parents have been texting and calling constantly asking if I am ok. Making sure I get to do what I want and are safe. My partner surprised me with theatre tickets to a show I wanted to see and my parents kicked off saying it’s controlling. It was lovely as it’s a show I wanted to see.

The other week they said they felt like they were losing me to him as I spend lots of time with him. Reassured them they are not, but I am planning a future with the guy I love. They got upset saying I am distant and he is to blame. I just have less free time. They tried to video call and I missed it as busy having fun - got a message saying I don’t care about them. They don’t do this with my brother.

how do I get them to back off. He is not controlling they are. I just feel they can’t accept someone in my life. I can’t tell him this as he will get upset. I also don’t want to choose.

Tell them far far less about your life. You are on holiday ffs-if they text asking how you are, just reply saying, ‘All is great-having a lovely holiday!’-give them no information to hold or use against you. You life a long way away from them so have a big advantage there.

They will eventually get used to that this is the new normal but that will come down to you deciding on what boundaries you feel comfortable with and then bring consistent in holding those boundaries and naming it with them. I would be very direct and say I find it disrespectful when you say x is controlling I know what to avoid in a relationship and its important to me that you support my choices and decisions in life including who I date. I would say that you have less free time now because you are investing in a new relationship with someone who treats you well and they cannot expect you to be as available for them as you were when you were single. Then I'd plan a boundary eg. I will phone you x times a week for a catch up at x o'clock but if you ring me outside of that time you need to understand I might not be free to answer. If you begin to make disrespectful comments about my life, decisions or relationship I will end the call. Then you need to follow through. They can only cross your boundaries and control you if you let them.

This is ridiculous. It's not your problem that your parents lead such empty lives that they try and live vicariously through you. It's actually incredibly selfish of them and the very opposite of love. It would drive me mad.

The only way to deal with them is to remain polite & pleasant, but do not involve them in your every day life. Just keep it very light and breezy, and do not respond to any bullying, or attempts to make you feel guilty. If they try it on just be pleasant, but say you'll be back in touch when they are ready to have a nice, adult chat. Keep saying this on repeat until they finally learn. If they refuse to learn then you will know that, deep down, they don't actually care about your happiness or respect you as an adult. They only care about using you to fill the gaping hole in their lives, regardless of the damage and misery it causes you.

I thought you must be early 20s or younger in age from what you wrote but checked to see you are - 44!! 44 years old!. Tell them you are a BIG GIRL now and may even be getting the menopause soon - what will they want to do about that!? Take your chances where and when you can!

Sounds like your parents have spent too much time on mumsnet with them labelling everything as controlling.

I'm a big fan of 8 hour mute button on whatsapp. I would use this so you can enjoy yourself without them chirping in the background.

Controlling people don't like it when you take their control away, especially when you're miles away and they can't just turn up and get their own way.

They will just have to live with it, it's your life. Tell them not to pester you so much, check in with them once a day and don't take any calls you don't want to answer.

Putting your phone on silent when you don't want to be reached will help. You're entitled to your privacy.

My parents have been texting and calling constantly asking if I am ok. Making sure I get to do what I want and are safe

Why? Are you holidaying in Syria or something?

They sound ridiculous - and utterly controlling. It sounds as if they tried to put you off relationships with others in the past and they are frightened of losing control now you have a good relationship. Don't let them ruin this. Tell them as little as possible about your life and not to bother you on holiday. If they ask why, say they are suffocating you.

I can’t tell him this as he will get upset a pp has picked this up. What exactly do you mean by that?

Making sure I get to do what I want and are safe the safe is understandable but do you have a history of being controlled by other partners/people?

Stop apologising. They have got used to having you at their disposal and feel threatened that you might be entering into a serious relationship with another adult. One that would trump them in terms of importance...which is normal and healthy. They fake concern and harrowing messages about you being distant are ironically a bid to control you and bring you back into the fold. Let them get on with it but do what you want, live your life. If they behave like spoilt kids then just ignore it or go so far as to say 'it's a shame you feel that way but this is my choice'.

Thanks all. Just a few clarifications. I don’t live with them or plan to. They are moving beside my brother other end of the country to me. They did have a great plan of us buying a house together and then having a granny flat. I did firmly say no to this.

I haven’t told my partner about what they have said as I don’t want to upset him and he doesn’t need to know. It wouldn’t bring anything to the situation.

no never had a controlling partner before. So no idea why they think he is. I think it’s because they always think I should do what I want and a partner should follow. My dad does what my mother wants

They don’t do this with my brother.

Why not, do you think?

Wow OP this is intense - they really think they own you!

Why even share details of theatre etc? you need to keep everything strictly on a needs to know basis.

Which is hard because you won’t be able to share normal details of your life with them but this is what they do when they get a chance to stop you from separating from them.

You will have to deal with the effects of pulling back from them (because you must get something from that too - as we all do) so you will have to deal with that - as you can’t by sounds of it - ever have a normal relationship with them.

Time to cut the cord. Good luck.

Even though you both created a 'list' of things to do on holiday, he arranged it all?? Sorry but that does sound a bit controlling. As do your parents

Firm boundaries OP. Stop trying to keep them sweet, you are an adult. It's time to tell them when they're overstepping and turn your phone off for a bit. Things need to be on your terms to train them out of it a bit.

You might get the 'mega health scare' and the flying monkeys to bring you back into line. But see it for what it is and keep your boundary going.

The list created was a collection of things we both wanted to do. He just populated it as he is much better at planning than me

I think you allowed your parents to be involved in your life a bit too much and for a bit too long.
They really don't need to know everything and anything and I would let them know that in no uncertain terms. I would definitely explain to them how they make you feel and ask them to step back or you will step right back and they'll hear from you like any normal parent would once a week or once a month or whatever.
Don't give them details of your life. Just let them know you're happy and life is good.
Ask about how they are. Don't they have a hobby or something to occupy themselves and take their mind off you and your life?

Go to vegas. Get married. Get tattooed. Be pierced. Buy property abroad. Tell them you’ve moved.
send all the photos to your parents!

……… or do it all on photoshop!

then when they have reacted tell them it’s photoshop and that they need to trust you to make your own sensible decisions!

they are probably waiting for their worst fears to be realised ….. give it to them. The shock may then be enough to have a sensible conversation they’ll listen to.

either that or you need to shut them out and/or divert them to your brother.

They are not losing you to him, they are worried because they cannot exert their controlling behaviours over you.

How do you tell them to back off?

“Back off!”

Good luck OP

I’ve had a bit of this with my mother. The only answer to “you didn’t tell us x, y, z” is “that’s because I’m 44”. Every time. And, hard though it is to break the habit, don’t tell them things. Stick to “Yes, nice weekend thanks. Shame about the weather.” And things will improve.

Your partner seems lovely. Your parents seem like they view him as a threat.

Susan Forward, Toxic Parents. It's essential that you read this book. This author is brilliant with her advice on establishing healthier boundaries without sacrificing the relationship entirely.

The dynamic you describe is toxic, and it's incredibly healthy. These are not controllers, they're completely engulfing you.

Good luck.

'Susan Forward, Toxic Parents'

Very much seconded. Such a useful book, a real eye opener

Been there, done that. Your father does what your mother says, obeys her orders. She wants you to do the same .

I got away a lot earlier than you, when I was thirty. My mother did her best to tell me that my BF was not the ‘ right one for me’ , but this time I didn’t believe her.

we’ve been together for forty years. my mother never forgave my now husband for sticking with me and not kowtowing to her. He pretty much abandoned speaking to her after a few years of being put down and contradicted, so there wasn’t a happy ending for her.

but it’s been a happy ending for me. Good luck, I hope you are very happy.

I think you need to set some ground rules and stick to them until they become the new normal. Set the level of contact you feel comfortable with, be that in person, on the phone or via text

This.

We got if from both IL and my DP - which I was told must mean it me but my siblings also had similar issues and DH family did with IL. We got a lot more push back from IL . With my DP some of the things they expected were more due to condition from their own parents - which they'd eventually pushed back on.

I think just doing what we planned - I think it slowly dawned we weren't going to do as we were told and they had no power. One of the big thing here is you can just not tell them anything - ask them lots of questions instead - don't reply to texts and change subject when they criticism your DP - refuse to engage.

Also trips to them often better if you stay elsewhere in hotel or air b&b - give you soem respite and more control.