To ask what you think of shy colleagues at work?

[shessoquiet]

I'm really shy, I can't help it and I try my absolute hardest to speak up more, but often times in certain work settings (like brain storms where we all are expected to just jump in and start saying ideas), I feel mute.

I often leave work feeling defeated, embarrassed and guilty. I'm a hard worker, but my shyness really lets me down.

If you have a shy colleague, AIBU to ask what you think about them? Please be honest, don't worry about offending me

The person/people running brainstorming sessions should be alert to (should have trained to) spot the more reserved members of their team, and to recognise and acknowledge that rather than encouraging creativity, a brainstorming session can have absolutely the opposite effect.

Have a read of this piece which is an alternative approach, called brainwriting. If there's one person who's in charge of the next brainstorming session you're involved in, or one person overall, perhaps you could talk to them about your concerns, and suggest this as an additional approach. You really won't be the only person in each session who feels the same way as you do!

I’m professional at work.

doesn’t sound a professional approach to me

IME no one dislikes them, provided they do speak up when they have something worth saying/their role requires it, nutnit is a disadvantage career wise, simply because no one knows who they (we) are.

I've got better at it over the years, but when I was young I'd often leave a meeting having not contributed, but otoh many men just talked without anything meaningful to say.

I don't have a problem with people being quieter in meetings - not everyone is comfortable speaking up in large groups, and I know that some people prefer to take time to digest and think things over before commenting.

What does annoy me is when people seem unengaged - so on a zoom call with camera off, or obviously doing other work, or in person checking their phone or not seeming to be listening. So maybe think about if you are still coming across as interested and involved, even if you aren't being very chatty.

One of the people I manage who is quite reticent has found it helpful to say in meetings at the start what she wants to get out of it - so on a project meeting saying it would be helpful to focus on a certain aspect this week, or in brainstorming thinking of a particular topic that they'd like others' opinions on. It keeps you involved and ensures you can shape the meeting while not dragging you completely out of your comfort zone.

Last time I worked with someone who was properly shy was a while ago. I liked them, they just weren't good in large groups.

If we had a meeting and they wanted to make a point but felt they couldn't sometimes we'd chat beforehand and I'd say something like "Betty and I were chatting earlier and she made the excellent point that we could try..." or if possible she'd speak to our manager separately.

It didn't impact her value to the team as she was great at her job, we just supported her so she felt part of things and got heard but without doing the stuff that made her anxious!

Another tip I learnt (because I often found it hard to speak up in meetings), is that the longer you leave it to say anything, the harder it becomes. So try and find a way to make a comment - anything! - as early as you can. Not everything has to be deep and meaningful! You could just say something along the lines of 'I'm very glad we're discussing this issue, as I think it's really important, and I'm looking forward to where we get to today' or something equally positive (but actually fairly empty!).

Yes but I was picking up PP putting shy people on a pedestal that they don’t get involved in office gossip

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Maybe in some cases but no worse than the louder type who happily verbalises every nasty opinion openly under the guise of "well I'm just honest and say it like it is "

I do agree that if if your job involves a level of confidence that isn't natural for you then you need to address it or move on.

If we're speaking generally then provided you are doing your job well and being shy is no problem.

My life experience had shown that interestingly a shyer person is much more likely to be aware of this trait, is aware of how it may impact negatively and will often look for ways to overcome it. Note - this reflection and change is difficult and can take some time.

The many gob shites I've met in my working life however tend to have zero personal awareness, no clue as to why others may be different and see nothing about their "dynamic " personality which could be difficult for others.

There is a middle ground between being shy and

As long as you were a smiley/happy/friendly shy person I’d think you were wonderful.

a gobshite or a loud mouth and most people occupy this space.

And, honestly, some shy people lean into this trait like it's a virtue leaving everyone else having to operate around them or coax them along like an injured animal.

Loud mouths are annoying in their own particular way.

I once went to an event in a public space where two women were stood on their own, so they couldn't be part of the group and could just be any other member of the public.
One of them said she was shy and would join us when she felt ready. I thought getting it out in the open was really brave, but a really good strategy and actually helped people to help her.

You'd be the person I'd gravitate towards....The loud mouthy ones are the ones I avoid being quite shy myself.

A bit of shyness shows humbleness :)

The nature of the job really matters here as well. In some jobs shyness simply wouldn't work and the person would be a complete liability. In others I'm not sure anyone would care. It is hugely annoying and tiresome when "shy" people don't let their feelings be known in a professional context and spend half their time complaining to HR over everything and everyone. Ultimately it's a limiting trait if you work in corporate. We don't have shy senior managers or C-suite execs. It just can't work. It's definitely something parents should help children overcome.

Yep, you’d definitely fall under the ‘colleague’ category.

Prefer them to annoying foghorns who love the sound of their own voice.

Well I wouldn't initially know you were shy, as all I'd see is someone who didn't contribute in meetings or join in office chat, and there can be many reasons for that, including disinterest and laziness.
However, our work environment is inclusive so its very much in our culture to include people on a level they are comfortable with, so I'd try to engage you on a one to one basis. I'm a manager, so I'd probably discuss your lack of contribution in meetings and try to support you so you could participate.
Unfortunately not all environments will go out of their way, so it might be worth thinking of ways to be more forthcoming. Socially obviously is up to you, but contributing to meetings is presumably part of your job, so it would be helpful to find a way to do this. Perhaps preparing a couple of points to make beforehand.

I think it only really matters if it impacts your work.
I used to work in a very busy department store restaurant and there were 2 very shy staff members, one refused to work on the tills or clearing tables because she was shy and when working a breakfast shift with her I used to be doing the till, clearing tables and making the toast etc because she wouldn't. The other shy staff member was very open about being anxious but would try to do everything, I found it easier to work with the second one as he was willing and would ask for help instead of point blank refusing.

Quiet - The power of being an introvert
I found this book really interesting- especially the metaphor that while the extroverts have massive floodlights to illuminate them, the introverts have the gentle light of a table lamp, but both are effective and have a place.

Next time, could you express your thoughts on the brainstorming topic via email before or afterwards?

Honestly, I don’t give it any thought at all. I am guessing you suffer from some anxiety or other mental health issues too, if you often leave work feeling so bad it indicates you think everyone is thinking about you. The reality is they are not, they are just getting on with their own shit. The most they will have a thought cross their mind that you don’t engage or are quiet or maybe out of your depth. But it will be fleeting and then they will move on to something else

honestly you spend way more time thinking about you than they do .

I think if you smile a lot, say hello and do your job then it doesn't matter.
We work with a lady who sounds similar to you and she is universally liked by the whole company. Very quiet but so kind and gentle. She is calm and doesn't cause any problems bý gossiping. We all really like her.

Four I'm guessing the shy type isn't your favourite person in the room

I like quieter colleagues. They only say stuff that matters and don't draw unnecessary attention to themselves. I find that more relaxing than having to work with extravert people.

You can be your shy self, as long as you don't have to read the 8 o clock news on tv you're fine the way you are.

I'm always my favourite person in a room 😁