To ask what you think of shy colleagues at work?

[shessoquiet]

I'm really shy, I can't help it and I try my absolute hardest to speak up more, but often times in certain work settings (like brain storms where we all are expected to just jump in and start saying ideas), I feel mute.

I often leave work feeling defeated, embarrassed and guilty. I'm a hard worker, but my shyness really lets me down.

If you have a shy colleague, AIBU to ask what you think about them? Please be honest, don't worry about offending me

When you say 'shy', do you mean introverted?
I think shyness is usually quite different and is borne from some sort of childhood trauma.
However introvertedness is a personality trait.

The only time I've ever had an issue with a team member being shy was when someone slightly senior to but sideways from her organisationally decided her shyness was some kind of slight on him because she wasn't chatty with him and he subsequently gunned for her, highlighting minor errors and generally making a pest of himself. I suspect he fancied her tbh. Anyway I made short work of him and for good measure moved his favourite work mug to various random locations that he wouldn't find it in, thus engendering paranoia (seriously, he had heartfelt words with his own line manager about his suspicions over mug targeting). My own team member remained oblivious thankfully.

So my only word of warning to you would be to watch out for sad little men, but I guess that's true for everyone. Otherwise, crack on.

Is it actually part of your role that you contribute ideas to these meetings? Does no one invite the quieter people to speak up or contribute ideas in an alternative way? If not, that's poor management. Maybe you could look up alternatives to brainstorm meetings and suggest them to your line manager.

I wont hire shy people onto my team. Introverted is fine but shy is not. Shy to me means overly sensitive and unlikely to contribute in a team meeting even when they have something important to say. I haven't got time to have a million 1:1 meetings when it could have been solved in the team call. Introverted to me means they say what they need to but often are slow to warm and may not participate socially which is all fine.

The nature of the work I do means we have a really mix of personalities.... introvert, extrovert, shy, outgoing, detail focused, big picture ideas focused, calm and sensible, high energy, the lot, and to be honest, quite a lot of neurodiversity. Everybody brings value in different ways and we have different methods of making sure we hear ideas from people who aren't likely to be forthcoming in a brainstorm setting. If shyness alone is a problem in a workplace, it says a lot more about the workplace than it does about the individual person.

You’d think by now people would accept and appreciate different personalities and value the differences after all sometimes we all need to think before rushing headlong into something at times. Plus not being shy can also be a cover up to get through the day.

I've occasionally mistaken someone for being arrogant/aloof when they were actually shy. My mistake.
My advice would be to be yourself and don't worry about the things that you're not - you say you work hard, and I bet you're absolutely fine.
I wouldn't want to spend too much of my life feeling defeated, embarrassed and guilty though, so I guess anything you can 'work on' (as they say) to avoid that would be a good idea.

I didn't think anything about them. I didn't think about them at all tbh. Or the not shy ones. Get work done. Go home. Workmates forgotten about. If someone's personality caused issues for me work wise then I would raise it. Otherwise, it was irrelevant to me.

I worry they hate me as I will talk and talk- only joking. I don’t think anything of it, that is how they are

Give my shy and quiet any day. The office extrovert I avoid.

I have a shy colleague who is my friend at work. Our manager told her she needed to speak up in meetings as her opinion was valued but she still struggles.

I really wish managers had training in understanding and accepting that people are all different and that the most important job of a manager is bringing out the best in your team. There are ways to encourage shy people to voice their views in meetings that do not put them on the spot, but the chair of the meeting has to help facilitate this.

Utter indifference

I go to work… to work

Not to navel gaze about the insecurities of colleagues

Shyness is often mistaken for arrogance or aloofness. However, the people who make this mistake are often not the greatest of human beings either, because their own lack of empathy or awareness that other people are naturally different to them leads them to think that if someone is quiet, it's because they feel they're better than everyone else. This type of person is so wrapped up in themselves that they assume the only reason a person seems to be quiet or keeps themselves to themselves is the reason they themselves would have - they can't comprehend someone might just feel uncomfortable speaking up.

Shyness is only really a problem if it actually affects their work. Usually there are enough people who like the sound of their own voice that one person being more quiet is helpful if anything.

I find too that if you have a group consisting entirely of shy people, they begin to come out of their shell because they realise everyone else is as uncomfortable as they are. I call it the "feeding off others' weakness" syndrome - person A might be in the group of the 1% most shy people in the country, but if everyone else is even more shy, they feel more confident.

TLDR: unpleasant people mistake shy people for being arrogant, shy people just need to be shown a bit of empathy.

You say you are expected to jump in during meetings and feel like you're letting yourself down. Does this mean, that despite being a hard worker you're not fulfilling your role?
Have you ever had negative feedback from your manager?
This, there's been a couple of threads recently about something similar where the poster didn't want to engage in presentations or face to face discussion with colleagues or customers, then felt it was unfair that she wasn't being promoted in pay/role along with the rest of the cohort of trainees.

You say you are expected to jump in during meetings and feel like you're letting yourself down.

if this is part of your job role, to contribute to the team - then you are letting down your colleagues and not fulfilling your role.

So… wrong job for you

I've been called aloof, off-putting, snobby, weird.

Are you interested in being less shy?

Medication, therapy with role playing scenarios, and toastmasters have helped immensely.

No, I didn't became some flaming extrovert, loudmouth, life of the party but am able to contribute and hold a conversation and I'm happy with that.

And I bet the complaint was by a man?

Id much rather a shy colleague than a loud, irritating knobhead!

Why should managers be expected to bring out shy people.

FGS. These are grown assed adults that went for a job presumably knowing that they were part of a team, there would be meetings, they would be expected to contribute and engage with their colleagues, some of whom they will hardly know. So if you knew this about the job AND you knew that you are very shy and this would mean you would struggle to fulfil this aspect of the job role - then you went for the wrong job!! And yet now some posters expect management to spend time and energy in bringing out shy people?

Anyone with an ounce of emotional intelligence and compassion will know you cant judge a person on their "outgoing-ness".

I used to be a trainer and learned lots both theory and through facilitating groups that it takes all sorts. Sometimes in smaller group settings it would be the person who has barely said a word who suggested the most incredible ideas that would blow everyone away.

As a fairly shy and introverted person myself, and mum to a kind, funny, beautiful yet incredibly shy DD I totally get you. And I think provided you look for other ways to be involved, contribute and be part of the team, it doesn't matter a jot.

Many outgoing people who appear the life and soul have lots to say but bugger all of substance or use. They just lurrrrrrve to be heard

I’d take a shy considered colleague over a gobby loud person who doesn’t listen any day lol

I think if you are meant to come up with ideas and contribute to the group you really have to develop some skills to do this. I am reserved but have had to do this as part of my role. If you notice what others do usually people have certain themes they fall back on, have an idea they adapt to suit the next situation. I am sure you have ideas if you know your job and area of work. I think as part of your development talk to your manager about this. Or can you follow up an idea someone else suggests even to say , that is a good idea or I've not thought of this. You do need to find your own voice in a work setting to contribute. Whether you want to engage with banter etc is more your choice but you need to build working relationships.

I think this is a really good point in that there are occupations that are going to be a more successful fit for certain people

@tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz Very well said, completely agree.

We have a mix of personalities on our team but our role is casework (financial sector) which involves no brainstorming type activities. We look at escalated complaints so it’s all methodical, detailed, mathematical stuff. Shyness is neither here nor there.

TBH OP I think you should try to contribute in these brainstorming meetings if they are part of the role. I appreciate it’s not simple though. But to answer your question, I’d maybe feel that you were not pulling your weight if you sat there silently.