To ask what you think of shy colleagues at work?

[shessoquiet]

I'm really shy, I can't help it and I try my absolute hardest to speak up more, but often times in certain work settings (like brain storms where we all are expected to just jump in and start saying ideas), I feel mute.

I often leave work feeling defeated, embarrassed and guilty. I'm a hard worker, but my shyness really lets me down.

If you have a shy colleague, AIBU to ask what you think about them? Please be honest, don't worry about offending me

as long as you pull your weight in terms of workload I'd have no issues with you being shy.

A good leader will realise you need both introverts and extroverts in a team. The extroverts will jump in with ideas straight away, with little thought process. Your introverts will really think about the issue or situation and only talk when they have something valuable to contribute. You need both, especially in brain storming sessions as the extroverts will keep the energy going and float idea around, but it's usually the shy ones that solve the issue or come up with a valid idea

I hate brainstorming sessions, much rather just get on with my job. I find that type of thing is dominated by the loud type, who IMO don't generally add much value to the sessions.

I have been told people think I'm aloof, rude or whatever but it's always by those who dominate everyone and every conversation. Those who actually have a conversion with me don't have an issue, I just don't have the headspace for the 'I'm mad me!' crowd.

I've worked hard on my confidence, when I started I thought the goal was to be more like the extroverts but actually I'm now confident enough to say no to meetings, defend my positions and contribute when I feel it's relevant and I'm comfortable.

I should also caveat I mask a lot, I have a very distinct 'work personality' that I slip into. I'm sure colleagues would be horrified at the awkward, stimming, anxious mess behind it.

My shy colleague is great at her job and communicates well in smaller groups. It's just the bigger meetings where she struggles (eg 8+ people). It would be a real loss to the team if she left. This is not a high power job. Why shouldn't the manager chair the meeting in such a way which encourages all attendees to voice their views?

I’ve had this levelled at me “aloof” when I’m naturally shy

I have a shy person in my team, she never speaks up in meetings, rarely turns her camera on in zoom, and hasn't built a network. Honestly I find it challenging but mainly because she's also confident she should get a promotion but I haven't seen the skills demonstrated to take her to that level (in our industry I'd expect you to be leading meetings, building a network, actively stepping up to work on other projects).

I'm not particularly shy myself, but I am also not the life and soul of the party, but I gravitate much more towards shy people than loud, attention grabbing people. I find the latter category harder and harder to tolerate the older I get. I'd much rather hear the views of someone who spends time thinking and reflecting than someone who just shouts out every idea and thought they have.

I agree with this. Shyness that takes up additional time is very draining. It's really annoying if we have a team discussion, shy person doesn't contribute but then sends their points by email later, thus requiring separate discussion. But if you don't do a lot of group work then that's less important so it might not matter so much.

I don't think anything really but I do expect them to pull their weight, just as I would any other colleague.

If brainstorming was a regular part of your role, I would be annoyed you were not contributing. However I also think it is on the manager as well to allow different ways of collating feedback such as comments in Teams or post it notes on a flip chart in person.

It really depends on the job. If you're in a senior position or a role where you are actually required to verbally contribute, then being 'shy' is actually a hindrance to your job and problematic, because you are not communicating things that you need to.

If there are other ways you can contribute/ communicate then it doesnt really matter.

The key is What is their role?

if back off book keeper, and job spec made no reference to team working or meetings - and suddenly a meeting sprung on them, I would be far more understanding if very shy and basically withdrawn from meeting.

it however clear from job spec that team working and meetings and contribution expected - then quite honestly, they would not be performing

back office

Zero issue for me if you don't take part in non-work banter and are quiet. In fact, I'd appreciate that and instinctively probably trust you more.

However, anything that makes you less effective at your job, I think it's worth finding tactics/ building your skills to overcome.

Eg brainstorming. Find out the topic in advance if possible, have ideas written down, and I think it's largely an issue of self discipline to make yourself say one or two. Or suggest a silent brainstorm - people adding ideas to their own postits and putting them on a wall, then quietly browsing and clustering, then discussing (much nicer process for most introverts) Or just give yourself a target of sharing one idea (try to go for early - the psychological barrier tends to increase the longer you don't speak).

Most jobs rely at least a bit on communication and relationship building too. Hard to work well in a team if you never talk to your team mates. So if you don't like the group chat, fine - but what are you doing? Eg Try to have quiet, individual chats with team members at opportune times - asking them about or congratulating them on something positive in their lives that you overheard from the group chat, or asking for their ideas on something you are working on, or just complementing them on something you appreciate about them, or something they did well at work etc.... this goes a long way to clarify that you are a friendly, benign presence - just quiet, rather than withdrawn because you don't like people or think you are better than them.

Hope this helps!

Brainstorming sessions are a million times worse than any shy person will ever be.

What can be very frustrating are shy people that do have views but don’t verbalise them.

Instead going back to their desk post meeting and whinging / bitching to colleagues.

I used to be very shy. I am also an introvert
early in my career I was like this- never speaking out
shyness has to do with confidence- doesn’t mean you are lacking self esteem, more that you are socially anxious about what people will think of you and ill at ease
Introversion is part of peoples make up- can’t change that. It is like the battery charging.Extroverts get it from interaction with people, introverts with self reflection. Introverts batteries drain in too much company. It’s most likely to be something to do with sensory overload. Yep, you can develop strategies to mamange it- but it is what you are

but you can do something about shyness…

I had the most brilliant manager in my early career. He picked up in my shyness almost straight away. He started me in team meetings just giving a 1 min presentation on something he’d allowed me to prepare earlier. And he started to specifically ask for my opinion on something he knew I did have an opinion on and positively reinforcing it. He then progressed me to delivering a training package lasting 20 mins- I had to deliver it maybe 1-2per month and gradually as I got to know the slides, materials and I I relaxed. He just kept building up my confidence in speaking up and speaking out. He knew if he made sure I was prepared and it was on topics I knew I would gradually overcome it (yes, he was a star, and was well recognised as one of the best people developers in the company worldwide)

by 5 years later, I sometimes had to be reminded not to interrupt someone in a meeting (🤦‍♀️🙄yep horrible habit), and delivered off the cuff presentations, and 3 day training classes. No one at work would have known I was once shy. Yep, they knew I was introverted- I was clear with people about that in a jokey sort of way…but not shy to them. My old bosses investment in time to work with me on this and his effort paid off as far as company was concerned. I worked for them for over 25 years, ending as a global technical consultant - couldn’t have done that if I had been still been shy at work.

I’m still shy at heart, don’t like social events where I don’t know a lot of people, and feel ill at ease - but over the last 25 years have developed tactics about how to deal with it..asking others lots of questions first is one way- to avoid talking about myself! But once I’m on a topic I know we’ll, have confidence in my opinions and experience I’m fine.

so, my advice, talk to your boss. Enlist their help as “development” . You may not be so fortunate to have such a fantastic people developer boss as mine was, so you may need to spoon feed him a bit about what you need. But please pluck up courage to ask for help to gradually get used to speaking out. Yes, you can manage your career being shy- but it will hold you back from senior positions if this is what you want.

@Newlifestartingatlast

I had the most brilliant manager in my early career. He picked up in my shyness almost straight away. He started me in team meetings just giving a 1 min presentation on something he’d allowed me to prepare earlier. And he started to specifically ask for my opinion on something he knew I did have an opinion on and positively reinforcing it. He then progressed me to delivering a training package lasting 20 mins- I had to deliver it maybe 1-2per month and gradually as I got to know the slides, materials and I I relaxed. He just kept building up my confidence in speaking up and speaking out. He knew if he made sure I was prepared and it was on topics I knew I would gradually overcome it (yes, he was a star, and was well recognised as one of the best people developers in the company worldwide)

why did you apply for a job that requires this level of public speaking and involvement?

I used to be shy when I was younger but put a lot of effort into developing the skills to be able to contribute more, so I do find it draining when I have to handhold people.

I don't mind putting the effort into coaching someone, e.g. asking 1-1 before the meeting for their views and then "hey Sarah, you mentioned XYZ earlier, want to explain to the group?" ONLY if this is just to help them practice and in the long run they will contribute themselves. It takes a lot of physical time and emotional energy to remember to do this as a matter of course.

That they’re shy and they’re often the people who wisely stay out of office gossip and drama. As long as they do their job their shyness doesn’t bother me all. I actually much prefer it to nosy loud colleagues who always draw attention to themselves.

They’re often very involved in office gossip and whinging because they don’t speak up in meetings where there views could be heard and actioned on, instead preferring to bitch and whinge in small groups at the coffee machine

I didn’t. I was working elsewhere in the company. I was reassigned into the role. My previous role was a very techy one and I was identified as someone who would be a benefit to the company in this new role. To start with it wasn’t about public speaking…just stuff like updates in out team meetings, giving my opinion. A small part of my job and not exactly essential. But my boss clearly saw what I could become. And once I started to overcome,e my shyness with my bosses support, I found I actually loved teaching ( adults- techy stuff) so i naturally progressed that way as my roles changed further. I didn’t do same job for 25 years 🥴

It’s sad that that’s your experience, I despise that kind of snakes too. But I think in this case it more has to do with being sneaky then being shy.

Completely agree @Newlifestartingatlast shyness can absolutely be worked on, great post

You can still be the quiet and thoughtful one socially and in meetings where your input isn't required. Some of the most respected people at my work are the ones who say one sentence in the meeting but it's a critical, answer-changing, useful one! But they have the confidence to say it when it needs to be said - if shyness is holding you back from saying it then that's a problem.

Yes but I was picking up PP putting shy people on a pedestal that they don’t get involved in office gossip

When I worked in small, close knit teams, I generally had 2 groups of people. Colleagues, or friends through work. I’d work happily with colleagues to get the job done, because that’s what I was paid to do, and I’m professional at work.

However, I’d go the extra mile for my friends at work, because I didn’t want to let them down personally. This usually made for much better teamwork and generally overall results, than when working with people I just classed as colleagues and I was just doing what I needed to do.

With shy colleagues, it’s much more difficult to develop the level of rapport and relationship with them to become a friend at work. So, to answer your question, I didn’t think any less of shy colleagues by any means. But I didn’t think any more of them either, if that makes sense?