Friend dragged her dd by arm along floor

[Jennybeans401]

Visited a friend today and she seemed at the end of her wits with her dcs. Her dcs were home due to a teacher training day at school. Df seemed very stressed with both dcs who were playing and not being naughty.

Df was snapping at them most of the time. The youngest is 7 and at one point wouldn't share z toy with my dc. Df then grabbed her dd arm and dragged her along the floor into the hall and started shouting at her. I was a bit shocked as I'd not seen my df so angry.

I've spoken to df about the dcs coming to my house to give her a break but she said there was no need. I was thinking of mentioning to her dh that she seems very stressed though AIBU?

Well done, OP. You did the right thing. This is clearly a vulnerable family in need of support.

Just read the food update. I’m pleased you have reported. She is passing her own trauma onto her children.

Well done for reporting you've done the right thing.

You did the right thing op. I think you trusted your gut instinct on this one. It seems there have been a few things making you uncomfortable. It's much easier to tell someone to contact SS than it is to do it.

Well done, OP. Shocking update about her behaviour with food - it sounds as if she’s starving her children. How can her husband stand by and do nothing? 😟

Well done @Jennybeans401

I sincerely hope not, but it seems what you saw may be the tip of the iceberg 😞

You've absolutely done the right thing.

@Jennybeans401 Well done re your phonecall.
Our dad used to really go to town on me in particular- I remember telling a friend, and she said “ Report it to NDPCC “
I was too afraid to, of course.
I remember one of parents friends saying “ That’s a really nasty bruise on your leg, how did you do that?”
I replied “ Dad kicked me”
Parents immediately said “ Stop lying! No he didn’t “
I do wish someone had reported it, as Dad could really lose his shit and blows and kicks rained down so hard, I’d curl into a tiny ball instinctively.
I also remember being hungry a lot. ( Was very thin)

I don't want to derail, but you clearly have no experience of a really out of control child with severe autism.

A five year old in my class (special school) put one of my team in hospital and I was constantly black and blue. Children with no off button are incredibly strong. Even with the training we had in physical handling, it could take three of us to get him safely out of the room. And we'd be hurt in the process.

Oh no did you get help eventually?

A few of my friends came from abusive families. Me too dad was very aggressive but their lives were much worse

It's fucking awful. I hate child abuse so much. I've intervened a few times even to strangers. Once with a best friend and abusive exdh. Another time about a neighbour. She doesn't have her dcs now took a while though.

Well done OP. Takes a village and all that.

I'm so sorry @oakleaffy

Well @Jennybeans401
That's was v brave that you rang CSD (children services dept)

I have never dragged my children across the floor

And I have slightly challenging DCs tbh (adhd, oppositional who have injured me (unintentionally) in their "moments" including causing bruising multiple times and fractures etc - I'm already disabled)

It's not ok to drag any child accepts the floor as you described

That she did it in-front if you tells you she is likely so used to that being her normal she probably does worse and more angry.

It's a short step really into worse child abuse

So Thankyou for reporting it

On behalf of her children and family

You won't feel great right now but you did the right thing

Let's hope that the child social worker they get is helpful

No- No help at all.
I think dad had some sort of intermittent rage disorder-
He used to attack my younger brother, too - It could be triggered by a trivial thing- then Boom-
I had days off school sometimes to hide fat lip, and a dentist asked mum about a broken molar-
It was a “ Middle class” upbringing, and very much behind closed doors.
I tried to ask Dad why he hit me so much ( When I was 30 ‘s)and was met with denial.
When he was dying, he said to one of my brothers ( Whom he never really hit) “I think I was too hard on Oakleaffy”
Brother told me.
As I held Dad’s hand, no words were spoken, but I forgave him- And I think he truly was sorry.

Living with an “explosive” parent can be very frightening.
Yet he could be charming to the outside world.

Thanks, things are coming back to me now. Its bits from over the years that now I'm putting it all together it makes more sense but horrifying too.

About a year ago she told me her youngest was hard work and had driven her and. Df said she'd 'screamed in her face' which I took at the time as her being at the end of her tether. This child was only 6.

She also used to tell funny stories about her arguments with her dh. She lost her shit once because he bought the wrong salad, she also said that she'd punched him (once) in the face when she got angry at him.

@oakleaffy it sounds very scary for a child to live with.

My friend is very very charming to the outside world, no one would believe that she could abusive bit ive seen the real oerson i think.

My goodness.
Those poor children having to witness this level of stress.
Your friend sounds unhinged.
If this is what she is happy to tell you- Goodness knows what goes on behind closed doors.
It must be like walking on a minefield for them, never knowing what will trigger the mother’s rage.

Given your updates OP, I would be very very surprised if your friend's behaviour hasn't already come to the attention of quite a few people. GP says her kids are underweight and she's punched her DH in the face - and this is what she's telling you which means she's OK with it and thinks nothing of sharing it. She's vile - and if she was a man, she wouldn't be given half the empathy and explanations she's been afforded in some of the replies on this thread.

It was not your job to police her behaviour though so please don't fall into a "how did I not notice sooner". You may be saving her DH and kids a lifetime more of heartache by getting an intervention now.

I feel so stupid now looking back, why didn't I see the signs? I bought the public personally, happy smiling charming friend. She was really telling me and showing me who she was though and I didn't take enough notice until just recently.

@BatshitBanshee its one of those questions I will always ask myself, how didn't I know? All these signs were there, I just didn't want to see it.

You absolutely have done the right thing.
Superficial charm is what a lot if these explosive 🧨 parents have.
Yes, it’s frustrating when a child is being difficult, but hopefully SS can step in and give some help.
Some people really shouldn’t have children if they can’t cope.
Violence and roughness is never the answer.

It's weird, she would talk a lot about kindness and empathy, they would read books about feelings and emotions, how to deal with it.

Then it made no sense because in reality df would lose it over something so small.

I think the closer I got to her the more she showed me the real person.

You can't see it when you're blinded with a Mary Poppins persona - then when you see rage or controlling behaviour you put it down to end of her tether or just a bad day. But every bad day is a crack in that squeaky clean public persona - until the veneer is shattered.

You can't possibly think that a woman who is capable of controlling her kids and husband by those means and to that level wouldn't also exert some degree of control over you and what you see...

You didn't see it because she didn't want you to see it in its totality. You're the smart cookie who listened to her gut and put the pieces together. You're not to blame here.

She lost her shit once because he bought the wrong salad, she also said that she'd punched him (once) in the face when she got angry at him.

Well that explains why the husband isn’t doing anything to stop the child abuse.

You’ve had a lightbulb moment OP. If you’re up to it, you can call SS again and recount the additional incidents and comments you remember.

@KAYMACK i replied to you on another thread with a link to commonly used acronyms.

Thank you, sat here shaking my head thinking now it does make sense. Even in the context of our friendship I'd say she's been controlling. Not in the same way as with her family but there would be a lot of charm then mind games. Very subtle though but clearly all about control for her.

Shed asked to look after my dcs a few times but something always stopped me, this was before I knew how she really treated her dcs.