Friend dragged her dd by arm along floor

[Jennybeans401]

Visited a friend today and she seemed at the end of her wits with her dcs. Her dcs were home due to a teacher training day at school. Df seemed very stressed with both dcs who were playing and not being naughty.

Df was snapping at them most of the time. The youngest is 7 and at one point wouldn't share z toy with my dc. Df then grabbed her dd arm and dragged her along the floor into the hall and started shouting at her. I was a bit shocked as I'd not seen my df so angry.

I've spoken to df about the dcs coming to my house to give her a break but she said there was no need. I was thinking of mentioning to her dh that she seems very stressed though AIBU?

Can you speak to the child's school? Social services will take a referral from a school more seriously than from a non-professional.
Also if she's considering home schooling it's possible they're already on the schools radar.

Quite right, and I corrected myself in the post above yours.

I often have to drag my toddler behind me if he’s tantrumning and I suppose to an outsider that could look abusive especially if I need to tell him off. But he’s a toddler and I drag him or lift him to keep him safe. I can’t imagine doing it to a 7yo who refused to share a toy (I’m assuming there isn’t a back story where you or your DD have complained about her not sharing before and she was anxious about it). So I’d probably ask social services for help and let them handle it - they may choose to do nothing but as the complaints build up they probably will.

Yep, we cross posted.

Being dragged by one arm is how my shoulder was dislocated at a very young age.

Not good. Put him in a buggy. @Xmassprout and others know what happens. It happened to my friend's ds when exdh did it.

I mean, it's not good parenting. I don't think I've ever dragged my son anywhere. I'd pick him up if he was unsafe.

Someone threw someone else (yes animals are someone, not something) down some stairs and you think that's OK? More bothered about the kid?! And this is what is wrong with this world. Of people cared about animals the way they should the world would be much better.

The mum is clearly struggling and so needs support to realise and admit that her behaviour is inappropriate. It’s a family in crisis where this behaviour becomes normalised. I’m not in any way condoning what she did but how can you be sure what she is dealing with behind the scenes with her childrens behaviour. They may be shouting, fighting, arguing and melting down regularly and then mask when other people are around like you. This is what my children do- they are neurodivergent. Her children might be too - especially if like she said they are struggling at school.
Sounds like she is feeling very overwhelmed and possibly depressed/ suffering from anxiety.

Living with children with challenging behaviour every day is absolutely exhausting and eventually people can loose their temper (not acceptable of course towards anyone let alone children) but people are human - parents are human.

How long have you known your friend? How often do you see this friend and what other incidents have you witnessed? Try and support your friend if you can. Don’t just write her off as an abuser who you will never see again. People can change. You could help her to if you help her to see her behaviour is wrong.

How do you feel about having an open conversation with her and saying how uncomfortable you felt witnessing what you did and that you can see they really need support to be a happy and respectful family again.

Read the thread. No cat was involved 🙄

Sorry just read your updates.
You say she always says she loves her children well she may well love them deeply but this doesn’t always equal acceptable behaviour and treatment. And how she is into attachment parenting - well lots of studies show how this style of parenting can cause more stress and less happiness.

In what ways have you noticed she is controlling?

I don’t think things will change if you mention it to - Can you speak to her directly and just say that you are shocked and it isn’t appropriate. That things clearly need to change?

Something has already happened to them OP, you were there and you’re still shocked by it. You’re doing the right thing calling SS. I hope the DC get the help they deserve.

Jeez...as if anyone would want anyone else's kids.

If tour friend is being violent and aggressive while you are there, you can bet your bottom dollar that she is roughly manhandling the kids while you are not there.

@MarshaMelrose my thoughts exactly. Now I'm wondering what happened the cat

Let’s be clear, she may say she is in into it, but she is in no way practising attachment parenting.

I’d love to see these studies btw. Do you have a link?

Ah this is so sad. Poor children.

Absolutely contact your local children’s social services. She needs support wether this is ongoing or not. This is definitely abusive behaviour and it seems like you are indicating other behaviours ie controlling issues.

Please follow through for the sale of the children.

I suggest that you ring the school tomorrow, speak to the safeguarding lead & share what you saw.

The school already know the child(ren) & have established protocols to address any concerns raised. The information you give may be consistent with other concerns or it may be the first thing they have heard.

If you want a belt & braces approach, then you might ring childrens services after that to raise your concerns & state that you have spoken with the schools safeguarding lead.

It sounds like your friend is struggling & needs help either with her parenting skills, overall capacity to cope or overall mental health. Some of her comments you have mentioned suggests to me that concerns have been raised with her before & she is struggling.

The immediate concern is the children.

NC = No Contact.

I know cats don’t always land on their feet ffs, it was the 7 year old that thought this, not me! The cat was fine, it walked into the living room afterwards and casually began washing itself whilst the child was being dragged back upstairs screaming. Anyway this has nothing to do with the OP - I just mentioned it as there had been subtle signs of abusive behaviour before this (such as in the OP) and I didn’t do anything. It’s always stuck in my head that o should have had the balls to intervene much earlier.

I drag my 5yo sometimes but not as a punishment. He’s ASC so it’s usually to get him out of a meltdown environment. I think doing it in anger is abusive.

Could she be depressed? Could you have a word with her DH, and perhaps make a drs appointment?

This gave me goosebumps. Wtf! What vile woman! You did the right thing.

Would that be your response to a man physically abusing a young child?

Yes, actually, if it was totally out of the ordinary. At no point did I say it was acceptable, you are just trying to say I am turning a blind eye because she is female, which I am not. Of course it's never ok to hurt a child, or anyone for that matter, but as a close friend the OP may want to establish whether it's because the friend is struggling, or just hurting her child.

Anyone who seems to have it 'all together' except in front of their closest friends, it's often a red flag for them struggling but feeling comfortable enough around you to not put on the show.