Friend dragged her dd by arm along floor

[Jennybeans401]

Visited a friend today and she seemed at the end of her wits with her dcs. Her dcs were home due to a teacher training day at school. Df seemed very stressed with both dcs who were playing and not being naughty.

Df was snapping at them most of the time. The youngest is 7 and at one point wouldn't share z toy with my dc. Df then grabbed her dd arm and dragged her along the floor into the hall and started shouting at her. I was a bit shocked as I'd not seen my df so angry.

I've spoken to df about the dcs coming to my house to give her a break but she said there was no need. I was thinking of mentioning to her dh that she seems very stressed though AIBU?

Just sounds like a clip from SuperNanny to be honest.

She would drag other people's children around by their arm and encourage parents to do the same.

What on Earth do you mean
“the OP may want to establish whether it's because the friend is struggling, or just hurting her child.”??

This binary supposes that if friend is struggling, her child is not hurt? Or that hurting your child is somehow not abuse if you’re “struggling”? This is so dangerous.

Most people who abuse their children are struggling in one form or another. With depression, with anger issues, with addiction, etc. And SS are the best people to help them with that if they want help.

It doesn’t matter whether the friend is struggling, she is abusing her child and so SS should be called. You’re acting like the abuser is the victim in your advice of oh the poor mum may be struggling.

You don’t drag! You carry or gently guide.

At no point have I said that. I actually said it's never ok to hurt a child. I also never said to not contact SS, I didn't say anything about it at all, I just said to ask how the mother seemed in case she needs help too.

OP, you saw her hurt her child. Report to whoever you think most appropriate (SS, police, school, whoever).

Those of you looking for ways to say I'm allowing of this behaviour, re read what I have says and see I have never said this behaviour should be allowed.

Hahaha 'carry or gently guide' a ND kid having a violent meltdown, I love it.

WOAH! That is insane! Poor kid (and cat).

OP you need to act.

If she is doing that in front of you, which is already bad enough and a good enough reason to report it, there might be much worse going on behind closed doors.

No matter how stressed or ''depressed'' she is, she should not take her anger out on her kids like this.

I would report what you witnessed to SS and let them deal with it.

The welfare of the child needs to come first, not your friendship.

Many parents or partners who are abusive at home can seem charming to the outside world and will claim to ''love'' their victims.

@Msloverlover Let’s be clear, she may say she is in into it, but she is in no way practising attachment parenting.
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I’d love to see these studies btw. Do you have a link?

Hi- I did and do follow attachment parenting myself. To me it felt like the ‘right way’ for us. Yes of course she isn’t in that moment and probably many other moments too sadly. It has gone from one extreme to another. She might have been more successful at one point.

Yes I believe it can be very stressful and can lead to less happiness. This is because you give so much of yourself to your children. It is and can be very intense.

I’ll have a look for the studies

@elephantonacid not once did I say my comment was aimed at you? I was actually referring to the comments coming after your post but go off on one if you want to.

This is unacceptable. There's been cases with my dd who has adhd collapses on the floor in shops and refuses to walk and finds it funny if I try and pull her forward to stand her up or move towards the till by pulling her slightly until she eventually gets up (she goes dead weight and is very heavy, lifting is not an option) But dragging her by her arm as punishment and then screaming at her, all sounds way to aggressive. horrible behaviour.

Do you have the first idea how bloody insane this makes you sound. It's a CAT. It's not a human child, it's a cat. If you honestly can't see the difference it makes me understand why there are so many dog attacks on children - people are RIDICULOUS about animals in this country.

100% this, or to social services, or someone. It struck me as a run of the mill occurrence for your DF, and she had no issue doing that in front of you, when her kids werent doing anything really. So can you imagine how much worse it could be behind closed doors? Child abuse is child abuse, so adults need to report it when they see it, as children need advocates - they have no power of their own.

Ha hah hah. Have two DCs with ASD and that’s what I did. But go on with yourself.

I'm really glad you've decided to report, OP.

As other posters say, she could be doing this or worse all the time in private. The incident, plus the information you've shared in your updates about her paints a really chilling bigger picture.

Your comment that 'she won't listen to reason' and has a 'Mary Poppins' demeanour at school gates' is so worrying.

I wouldn't think twice about intervening/reporting. Wishing you luck.

Has a sort of similar situation with a friend (except it was both Mum and Dad - just completely at the ends of their tethers). Social services did get involved and the family got a lot of support and all seem to be in a much better place. Well done for making the phone call OP.

Do you think she will dismiss it, when asked? Claim that she more lifted child, not dragging them across the floor, as such? If no physical bruising on dd arm, it's easier for her to claim to SS or school that you are exaggerating.

I just wanted to say that I don't agree with the advice to cut off the friendship. Definitely speak to school/ social services. But if you cut off the friendship it cuts all lines of communication and leaves the mum more isolated, and no doubt that would impact the kids too. Stay close and be a friend to the kids too, offer a listening ear, do what you can to support them. It may be that you are the only adult outside the family getting an insight into their real lives.

Of course if your friend decides to cut contact because she found out you reported her then there's very little you can do.

Omg that must mean your kids are the same as everybody else's!

If I couldn’t lift a 5yr old kid, I’d be doing some strength training.

@Oblomov22 yes I think she will dismiss it, she vlearly couldn't understand why I'd have a problem with it. She got quite angry with me when I brought it up.

She's very controlling with most things, food too. She told me she used to be anorexic in the teens and she's still extremely thin now. I have never seen her eat much. When the children have come for lunch I've always made lots for them but she has said 'don't worry we live off scraps' (again jokingly). The dcs are are very thin though and GP had told her a while ago they are underweight.

She stopped coming round to our house, we've had to go to theirs instead. My dcs were constantly ravenous as df really didnt make much dinner (half a bagel with a scraping of pasta sauce for 10 year old) so I'd take something with me.

I think it strikes me now that she hates things being out of control and freaks out if she loses that.

I made the dreaded call to SS today, now feeling exhausted and worried about her dcs.

Speak to the DSL and mention the home Ed threat - if she does it, the school has no choice but to remove the children from the register, but they will at least be able to alert local authority services of the concerns so the children won't just drop off the radar so she can abuse them to her nasty little heart's content, knowing there's no worry that they could disclose the abuse or somebody else could be in a position to see bruises.

@Piglet1122

You have just been reported. The last thing this thread needs is a troll advocating corporal punishment for children...

Well done on calling SS @Jennybeans401 Absolutely the right thing to do. How did they respond to your report?

Hopefully they'll investigate and things will improve for those children sooner rather than later.

Just popped back onto here to see if you can pass this onto her. It’s excellent. It’s available in audiobook too