Views on sleepovers?

[Tttnn5]

Is the general consensus now that children don’t sleepover in others houses (except maybe close family like grandparents).
I am not planning on allowing my young children to sleepover anywhere except their grandparents and possibly their aunts house but I wonder when that view started to change?
thinking back now I was never allowed any sleepovers but I know all my friends were

my son has only ever slept at grandparents house and once at aunts house. He also slept out on a trip when he was 9 (I think it was roughly that age).
Apart from that I’m not keen on sleep overs at others houses. Thankfully it hasn’t been a problem as sleeps-overs don’t seem that popular for my son or his friends all currently 12/13 year olds. I do hear it’s popular with the girls though.

If they had been popular with my son then the youngest I would have felt comfortable with is year 6 so 10-11 years old.

I definitely worry more about my oldest being out at home style parties than my middle child. Teenagers in late parties/sleepovers possible booze. Trying to sneak gf’s/bf’s in etc.

Statistically, children are more likely to be abused by a family member: that’s true. It doesn’t mean that your children are automatically at risk because it is a family member but because they are likely to be the ones with unsupervised access to the child.

I have to admit that I have noticed this before on MN: when posters mention being aware that unfortunately sexual abuse of children does happen, isn’t particularly uncommon - there is this sort of anger shown, a real snarling sort of ‘how dare you’ especially with regard to something that may (as others see it) ‘restrict’ the child in some way. And the ‘family member’ argument always comes up, as if by admitting you let granny and grandad take your toddler swimming it is the same as <insert other activity>

I had a teacher who sexually abused me for a year in primary school. I did not tell my parents because he was (like many abusers) incredibly clever and it is not difficult to outsmart a child, even a bright child, if you want to. My experience doesn’t mean that I would not send my child to school, but it does mean I am not lackadaisical when it comes to safety.

On an unrelated but similar note, I remember a friend of mine getting upset when sleeping over at mine and my dad went in to comfort her and fell asleep on her bed now I am as sure as I can be that my dad would not have purposefully done anything but I also imagine the girl felt very uncomfortable. But what would she have said?

@Southwig22

More likely to be abused by a family member but that doesn’t mean it’s just completely safe at friends houses. Usually in these cases it’s actually an older sibling of the friend that carries out the abuse and not the stereotypical father that people automatically think of.

There’s also been a lot of cases whereby the use of mobile phone footage/silliness has escalated. Whilst phones have made sleepovers safe in a lot ways they’ve actually added to a lot of sleepover abuse cases over the years too. Swings and roundabouts.

Yeah I think a dad coming in to settle me as a child and falling asleep on my bed would have been a bit iffy.

If there are any knocks on the door it’s me who goes down, dh wouldn’t even want to, he tries to actively avoid most of it due to being covered in nail varnish and make up at a sleep over before while having to listen to pink fluffy unicorns on repeat while I watched and laughed. Think he would rather cut the grass in the rain with nail scissors than be the parent actually on duty during a sleepover.

I didn’t have a choice - only dad in our house.

Your child is statistically at risk at a family member's house, as much if not more so, than anywhere else. Again, statistically, it could be their father. It's a hideous reality. You cannot prevent it from happening unless you keep them from ever being alone with anyone. For me that risk is more significant. So I'll do sleepover as soon as my daughter is old enough to understand what people can and cannot touch, and when I feel she is confident enough to tell me if anything is amiss. Not allowing her to do things because I'm scared she'll be abused feels like telling women not to wear short skirts at night.

Nrtft

I was never allowed sleep overs for the same reasons I was never allowed to join groups like brownies. My parents were very aware of the risks of child abuse, my mother worked with children in care but even before that they were under no delusion about the risks even if they knew the parents well and with family. The only sleep overs I remember were when my parents were also there, like a family party or something.

The only places my DDs have stayed were my parents and my SIL. I was reluctant with SIL as I didn’t know her DH that well, but each time they stayed he was away with work so I felt more comfortable.

Im the same with babysitters. We’ve very rarely left our DDs. Once with my DDs key worker, but we had cameras in the house. A few times with a very close DF of mine, her and her teenage DD have babysat for a few hours for us. I absolutely do trust her, she was exactly the same as me when her DCs were little.

My 10yo DD had her first sleepover recently. She’s been taught about safe touching since she was little, I also trusted she would be confident enough to speak up if she felt uncomfortable and she has her phone now so could call me straight away. I’ve known the family 7 years and the mum works with at risk children, we have the exact same views on sleepovers and she spent all night messaging me as did my dd.

Both my DBs have always been the same with their DCs.

They were normal from age 9/10 when my (now early 20's) were younger but I knew the parents. My daughter used to send me a coded message if she wanted to leave/changed her mind so we'd make an excuse and I'd pick her up. Only happened once or twice. Son always happy but the boys didn't seem to have as many as the girls.