Views on sleepovers?

[Tttnn5]

Is the general consensus now that children don’t sleepover in others houses (except maybe close family like grandparents).
I am not planning on allowing my young children to sleepover anywhere except their grandparents and possibly their aunts house but I wonder when that view started to change?
thinking back now I was never allowed any sleepovers but I know all my friends were

One of mine slept over at her friends house from 6 or 7, and we reciprocated. Why would you not allow sleepovers.

Most abuse is within families remember, sad but true

My middle one is always sleeping out or having a friend around these days. She’s 10 now. Her and all her friends all have mobile phones or tablets they seem to take or bring with them. Wifi code is freely given out. They can all contact a parent freely themselves if something feels off.

@gogohmm

Not every child goes to a school whereby the parents know each other. My kids school has a high turnover of children and children moving in and out. Additionally there is a language barrier between myself and some parents so why would I let me child stay over at their friends house when I don’t know their parents? Common sense really. Not every child goes to a cosy little village school where everyone knows everyone.

Mine went on choir tour from 7 too, dd1 toured with orchestra at 9 too, excellent opportunity for her

It seems fairly common for the phone itself to be a source of the problem, though. I can understand the OPs reservations.

But I wouldn't allow it if I didn't know both the parents (if two-parent family) or hadn't been to their house. Mum friend who was in the police warned me you could never know what goes on behind doors!

So I'd build up from shortish play dates where I've stayed for a coffee (or hosted in own house), to leaving for a few hours, to an overnight.

Thanks for all the replies. I guess it’s not just sexual abuse but as I said I’ve worked in safe guarding for many years and you never know what goes on behind closed doors (domestic violence, alcoholism, neglect drugs etc) and unless you really know the family you probably wouldn’t know any of that.
I would say I am an anxious parent by nature and will have to actively reign it in to allow my children to enjoy things that may panic me but I don’t think sleepovers with random school friends will be one of them for a while

I think it is because we are more informed now. A large proportion of abuse disclosed by adults was when they were attending sleepovers

My DSs went through a phase of there being a sleepover at someones house every weekend including ours, it was the norm. They enjoyed them but no sleep was ever had . I can't say I enjoyed the bit where children came to stay here, but appreciated when they went and stayed somewhere else.

Mine haven't been on many sleepovers at age 12 but that's because the pain the next day isn't worth it.

Our children (and GC) had/ have sleepovers with families where the parents know each other well and trust each other.

OTOH, my children had perfectly nice little friends whose parents I knew so well that my kids couldn't go to their homes.

@PortiasBiscuit

Or what about if you already work in therapy and hear a lot of disclosures from adults that happened at sleepovers at friends houses? 🤦‍♀️.

I get what you’re trying to say. You cannot project your anxiety onto your child. At the same it does no good just to ignore the issue entirely and tell yourself that sort of shit just happens to other peoples kids.

Most abuse is from family members.

I don't think there is a 'general consensus'. I used to go on sleepovers all the time from about 8ish I think. By the time I was ten I was staying a long way from home for a couple of nights at a time with friends who had moved away. My mum at least would know the other mum well.

My kids have never been to a sleepover not with grandparents or aunties and uncles. They don't want to.

Of course kids still have sleepovers. They bloody love them (parents not so much). From about yr3/4 I d say depending on the kid.

What a sad date of parental anxiety to stop them having sleepovers because you are worried about potential abuse happening.

What you need to do is actually teach your child what sort of secrets to keep or not keep (usually I said secrets that have an end date like presents are ok to keep but secrets with no end are not good); how to say no emphatically; what parts of their body are not to be shared or touched by anyone else; how to complain of you don't like something and to communicate as openly as possible.

What you don't do is truncate their life over your anxieties.

Was it?
Do you have any links to reports to back that up?

Appalling post.

I wouldn’t allow until well into secondary school. Even then I’d be concerned. My dd is 10 and I’ve refused all of these invitations. You never really know people or what they’re capable of. Plus you’re not going to know everyone who comes through the door? Friends, uncles, older siblings, friends of older siblings. Nope

I always thought I would let my children have sleepovers. But then two male colleagues / friends were found out to be paedophiles. These were men with children the same age as mine who I would have trusted as I felt I knew them well. I don’t trust anyone other than my parents now.

Its not just about sexual abuse. Physical risk from other behaviours. My kids had friends whose parents personal lifestyle/behaviour I knew well and protected my kids from.

Casual carelessness around road safety, machinery, power tools, chainsaws, chemicals, guns, livestock, deep water, mountain safety, fireworks.

(such is rural life, my dears)

Some people are being quite harsh, but it is true that this policy of no sleepovers ever unless close family is not one I recognise. Over all my years having sleepovers and sending my DD to sleepovers it has never come up. The only girl who was not allowed to stay was a Muslim child, and her mum said that it was because they were not comfortable with her sleeping in a house with unrelated males (my DH and sons) from a religious point of view rather than from an abuse point of view. Yes I've had the situation where one child has overindulged in the sweeties and has had to be taken home at midnight - that child is still known 10 years later as Vomiting Anna.

I have come across the odd child who was not allowed on Brownies trips or school residentials because her parents were too anxious and saw opportunities for paedophilia everywhere. Interestingly that child's mother was in a profession related to child protection too and it really skewed her perception about what a normal family was like. She honestly thought every man, every husband and son, even boys of the same age to her daughter were just waiting for their opportunity to attack. The poor girl grew up absolutely terrified of everything and everyone. Not healthy.

Protecting children from child abuse doesn’t mean they grow up terrified of everyone. On the contrary, it allows them to stay confident and fearless for far longer.

Don't think it gets easier as they get older either

When my dd was 16 she stayed at her friends.... noticed a small red light in between shampoo bottles in the shower

Yep. She was being filmed.

There’s a snobbery here as well. People think abuse only happens to kids on council estates.
It’s all very well teaching kids about good touch, bad touch etc but they still won’t stand much of a chance against an abusing adult. Telling you about it afterwards won’t take it away either. Kids have to live with it and the trauma lasts a lifetime.

My kids had sleepovers at friends houses from about 4 or so, and we had their friends kids sleep over too, but we didn't live in the UK then and it was much more common to do that in Paris and Brussels where we lived when they were small. We moved to the UK when the kids were 7 and 5 and I noticed that it wasn't the done thing there at all. I don't think either kid was invited over for a sleepover until they were about 10, and even then a lot of their friends would not be ready for it but called to be picked up by their parents instead.

I grew up in Sweden and we did sleepovers from around 4-5 too, so I just assumed that is what everyone did.

Never thought about the kids being in any danger at their friends houses either.