To ask DD to contribute to cost of school trip?

[Badabingy]

My 13 year old DD’s school announced this week that it’s arranging a trip next year abroad. It’s expensive (2k+), and comes after we’ve already signed her up for a ski trip for this school year. We’re in a fortunate position where we can afford it, and it seems lots of her friends are going. However, she seems to have an absolute expectation that she gets to go, and when we suggested that she might not be able to she had a strop. I spoke to her and explained that if she could put forward a proposal to ‘earn’ some of the money towards the trip by doing jobs around the house (I’m thinking about 10% of the cost, which would equate to less than an hour’s chores a week) then we’d consider it. She thinks we are being really unreasonable.

i grew up in a poor household and I’m continually astounded by her sense of entitlement. We try to keep her grounded but are not doing a very good job! When I was younger I missed an amazing trip at school and was absolutely gutted (funnily enough my mum told me a few years later that I’d just expected to be able to go and hadn’t offered to pay anything- if I had, they would have contributed the rest of the money).

I don’t want her to miss out but I don’t want her to think she can have expensive things like this handed to her in a plate.

AIBU?

Why is your 13 year old not already helping around the house?!

I’m continually astounded by her sense of entitlement Well she will have a sense of entitlement if she's been entitled for 13 years

Time to make some changes! And yes she needs to help pay for the trip if she wants to go

If she thinks it's unfair doing a hours chore around the house once a week I just wouldn't let her go unless she agrees.

That is a very bad attitude to have at 13, it'll only get worse unless you nip it in the bud NOW.

She does help already but it’s a battle!. I’m talking about extra jobs specifically for the trip.

A school ski trip and a 2k school trip in the same year? Is this a state school?

Oh wow, I know not the point but what is this trip? My Dd is only in year 8 and not had any trips brought up yet. I was expecting expensive and been told to expect 1k but not 2k! Is this normal?
I'm sorry no advice for dealing with the entitlement, maybe because her peers get all that? I think it's different as my DD would know that affordability is a factor for us.

That is a very bad attitude to have at 13, it'll only get worse unless you nip it in the bud NOW

this. OP you know yanbu, lay down the law and stick with it. YOU are her mum, her guardian and NOT her friend. It's your job to teach her the hard lessons in life. If she's throwing strops let her but make her earn that trip. Otherwise do you want your daughter being one of those entitled cfs we read about so often here?

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4680101-daughter-says-im-controlling?page=5&reply=121633751

op if you carry on the way you are consider the above thread a pretty accurate prediction of the future...

I think the fact she is already going on the ski trip is surely enough?

And the fact she had a strop when you said she may not be able to go and then resented having to contribute towards it. She is 13, yes, and lets face it alot of 13 years olds can be a bit blinkered about the cost of things, but it sounds like she has pretty much always got what she wanted and therein lies the issue. She simply isn't used to being told it might not be an option? I'm just guessing here, based on her reaction.

I would definitely say she can only go is she contributes a certain amount towards it. And I'd certainly make it more than 10% given she is already having a ski trip paid for.

We were in a similar position, my DD school was doing an expensive trip (it was £1500). I however could not justify that cost for 1 dc. And I certianly could not afford that sort of trip for all of them. DD was the one who suggested she pay £1000 if I was able to pay the £500. She really wanted to go and knew it was unreasonable to just demand I pay for it, so thats what we agreed on. She was 14, so similar age but she did have a part time job at the weekends, and then also picked up extra babysitting work to help towards it. She ended up paying around £800, as just couldn't make up the full amount, which I let her off of as she had definitely worked hard to save what she had.

I would be having a word with the school about teaching the pupils the value of money. A ski trip, another school trip plus I suppose other costs. The school could do local visits surely and activities at school. No need for this costly trip. You are right to point out the cost and have your daughter helping around the home.

What sort of trip is it? If it's educational and going to be of real benefit to her then she should go BUT she needs to contribute towards it (and more than 10%). At that age I got it into my head that I wanted to go to Iceland as we'd learnt about it in school. My parents said I could go with my Dad but only if I stumped up for my half of it.... around 700 quid I think. Did that by using some of my savings from birthdays and Christmases over the years and also by doing all kinds of odd jobs for people.

If the trip is not educational and is basically a bit of a "jolly" like the ski trip, then there's no reason why she should be going at all. She can't expect to go on an expensive school trip every single year.

Why the fuck is a school organising 2k trips?

Are you sure its actually school organising it and not one of these expedition companies? Talk to other parents, you will likely discover only a handful of pupils have parents mad enough to fork out two thousand pounds for their teen to go on these sorts of trips.

Of course she should be doing more to contribute.
She does extra or doesn’t go. Simple.

If the trip is not educational and is basically a bit of a "jolly" like the ski trip, then there's no reason why she should be going at all

Unless it's a Geography field trip that is directly part of the curriculum or maybe seeing an English play, school trips are rarely if ever ''educational''. There might be some historical sight seeing but on the face of it it is mostly a jolly trip for them. I went on 1 and we had speakers talking to us at the historical site seeing places but we were all teens and didn't listen to a word. We were more interested in the fun and shenanigans.

I would be having a word with the school about teaching the pupils the value of money. A ski trip, another school trip plus I suppose other costs. The school could do local visits surely and activities at school. No need for this costly trip. You are right to point out the cost and have your daughter helping around the home

Do not talk to the school about this. You'll just sound like an interfering parent with too much time on your hands, it will have no impact on their decision and if the need arises that you must address something with the school it will greatly undermine you as you''ll be remembered as ''that parent''.

Who gives a fuck? Of all the reasons why you may or may not contact a school about an issue, how cowardly would you have to be to worry about gossiping teachers?

We asked our secondary school to give us notice of proposed trips throughout each of our kids' five years there, rather than finding out about them piecemeal. I was quite happy to pay for each of them to go on the ski trip, given we're not a family which skis every year. Knowing what was on the agenda gave me the ability to turn down the sports trip to France in Year 7 and the trip to Iceland in Year 10 because they knew I would be saying yes to the activity trip to the Peak District in Year 8 and the ski trip in Year 11. Father Christmas had a lot to contribute to the trips!

My dd's primary school already do this when they annouce a trip- they teach them not to assume which is much appreciated. Obvs we do this at home too.

I think the concept of a 13 year old (who can't really earn their own money) paying for a trip is odd. You are either prepared to pay for it or you're not. I think 2 expensive trips in 2 years is a lot - but that's up to you.

The chores around the house things is separate - our DC have always been expected to do chores because they are part of living in this family. They aren't negotiable, and they aren't paid. I think that paying for routine chores sets a bad example - that they are optional and should be paid for!

One off "bigger" tasks that are out of the ordinary/you might otherwise have paid someone to do are different - for example we paid DS to paint our garage recently. However, I suspect you won't have enough of these tasks in a year for DD to earn any sizeable amounts of money. You will also be very much in the minority amongst her peers as I doubt very much that others will be expecting a 13 year old to contribute.

You can afford it, her friends are going I don't see why it needs to be such a big deal. Different if it stretched you financially. 1

I’m going to go against the grain here and say that your daughter isn’t being entitled. She has an expectation that she’ll be able to go, and you’ll be able to pay, because it sounds like this is what you’ve always done. Her norm is to ask and you cover the costs.

Whenever we pay for anything big for ours, we remind them how lucky they are that we are able to afford whatever it might be. I also try and extend this down to extras, but smaller extras, eg they have a new Xmas jumper for Xmas jumper day at school, but not everyone does. We take things to the charity shop regularly and donate to a local collective for those in need. If they find cash in the street, it goes straight in the next charity box we see.

It is hard though, OP. Mine have way more than I had as a child. On the one hand, I don’t want them to miss out. On the other, I don’t want them to think everything will be handed to them on a plate.

Who gives a fuck? Of all the reasons why you may or may not contact a school about an issue, how cowardly would you have to be to worry about gossiping teachers

because if there is ever a genuine thing then directly affecting op's daughter then at the school the school won't take you as seriously if you complain over something like a school trip. Pick your battles. The trip will go ahead regardless whether a parent moans about it so why bother?

Thanks, good to have the other side of the argument too! I don’t think we have always given in to her expectations though- there are constant battles (eg with phone, type of coat, the Victoria’s Secret pyjamas she wants for Christmas, - argh- where we do say no to her. Apparently we are mean compared to other parents…!). And school trips haven’t been an issue really until now as they weren’t happening due to Covid.

Apparently we are mean compared to other parents

no you aren't, that's emotional blackmail. If you spoil her you'll raise an entitled brat as an adult, don't say you weren't warned.

Thank you everyone for your views, really appreciated and am going to put my foot down.

It’s a private school and the trip is to the US (the ski trip is this school year, the new trip is next school year). Educational trips and activities are a big part of it but as another person said, I’m not sure that’s the part of the trip they will remember. Certainly I wouldn’t see it as a core part of any of her subjects.

thank you again.