To ask DD to contribute to cost of school trip?

[Badabingy]

My 13 year old DD’s school announced this week that it’s arranging a trip next year abroad. It’s expensive (2k+), and comes after we’ve already signed her up for a ski trip for this school year. We’re in a fortunate position where we can afford it, and it seems lots of her friends are going. However, she seems to have an absolute expectation that she gets to go, and when we suggested that she might not be able to she had a strop. I spoke to her and explained that if she could put forward a proposal to ‘earn’ some of the money towards the trip by doing jobs around the house (I’m thinking about 10% of the cost, which would equate to less than an hour’s chores a week) then we’d consider it. She thinks we are being really unreasonable.

i grew up in a poor household and I’m continually astounded by her sense of entitlement. We try to keep her grounded but are not doing a very good job! When I was younger I missed an amazing trip at school and was absolutely gutted (funnily enough my mum told me a few years later that I’d just expected to be able to go and hadn’t offered to pay anything- if I had, they would have contributed the rest of the money).

I don’t want her to miss out but I don’t want her to think she can have expensive things like this handed to her in a plate.

AIBU?

Fundraising? For a holiday? Now that’s teaching entitlement.

@ButterCrackers OP didn’t say until after you posted, but it’s a private school. They’re not going to reduce the number of big trips - it’s a selling point for their customers!
OP chose a school with this kind of programme.

@Thereisnolight “Fundraising? For a holiday? Now that’s teaching entitlement.”

Yep. Nothing like a bit of voluntourism paid for by others 🙄

Thanks for explaining. I’m not sure what’s best in this situation. I’d still be showing the kids the costs but it’s a different world. Perhaps they could explain the minimum wage and that people have to live off of that.

I think the ski trip is ample. There is a lesson here, we don't always get what we want, we need to practice gratitude and we must be proactive in our own lives to support them, irrelevant of age.

The fact that you recognise her entitlement is good and shows that you're a good parent and you're not burying your head in the sand like so many others do.

Your daughter is only reacting in a way she has become accustomed to and that reaction alone would get the trip taken away if it was one of my DC's.

How much insight does she have into how much things cost? Or how hard you work to make those things happen or how blessed she is to have what she has?

She’s 13 and you can afford it. Just let her go and have a lovely time with her mates. People on here are like Victorian taskmasters.

(And yes I have brought up 2 teens older than this).

I do think it’s unfair to pile on like this teen is some entitled brat for thinking it’s OK to have two expensive trips in two separate academic years. It’s her parents who chose the school, and put her in that environment.

Agree - and her parents who said she could go on both! I always think on the private school threads where people post that they won't be able to afford all the extras that posters are being disingenuous by coming in and saying that not everyone goes and it's totally fine. It hurts as a child if you are missing out on something that all your peers are automatically getting. I applaud OP's aim to make her daughter appreciate that she is lucky and not everyone gets what she does; unfortunately I really don't think that paying to do normal jobs round the house is the way to do it. If she was older she could of course contribute from a part time job as some posters have noted that their older DC did. At 13, it's pretty much a case of you get what your parent choose to give you. Your point about no birthday present as token towards the trip (though I'm disappointed to learn you don't move in circles where 2K is the norm for presents :) ) is probably a better idea, but I suspect this might still just rearranging the deckchairs if OP's DC will still get a new phone or new clothes or whatever else she might have got as a birthday present, it just won't be packaged as such.

This thread slightly hits a nerve because I was the "poor " child at private school. My parents paid for the trips, but I didn't get anything other than basics at home, which marked me out to my peers in a different way. Somehow I suspect OP won't be telling her DD she can't have new clothes or not go on other than very cheap outings with her friends as she's getting a trip - which would be the way to make her see the value of money (if unpleasant, as I can vouch for).

I know it seems obvious to us adults but have you ever sat her down and explained that chores are part of being an adult and she is an adult in training. That at some point, probably at 18, she will be shopping for food, cooking, washing up afterwards (no dishwashers at uni) traipsing her laundry to the launderette, washing, drying and putting all her washing away, cleaning her room and bathroom when it is her turn, emptying the kitchen bins, managing her finances and on top of all of that, uni work. She starts with small stuff now and builds it up although by 13 she hopefully has quite a few chores to do.

As I am a sahm I have done a "bring your child to work day" and made sure I included all the really nasty stuff like cleaning the dishwasher trap which ensured they scraped their plates properly and cleaned the underside of the dishwasher seal that never gets fully cleaned even on a cleaning cycle. Get her to look up minimum wage for a child of her age and see what she can earn in an hour. Pay her that. We call this every day maths. How many hours would she have to work to earn that 10%. Teach her the value of money.

Chores that are done with attitude result in a loss of a privilege in this house, so whatever she values most. Any back chatting or attitude that she wouldn't dare do to a teacher results in the same. Bring it down to basics, you do what I want, you get what you want. Worked in this house.

@Kagusta “washing up afterwards (no dishwashers at uni)”

Oh bless you. Are you perhaps living in that sweet spot where your own uni days were 90s and your children are young teens?

Have you seen typical student blocks these days? 🤣

Exactly.

I’m continually astounded by her sense of entitlement
You are contributing to that tho OP, no way would my DC have gone on 2 expensive trips in one year and we could have afforded it.
When my DC did go on more expensive trips (although nothing like a £2k ski trip), all their birthday and Christmas gifts from us and family were things for the trip (clothes/suitcase/rucksack etc) or spending money.

Whether she goes on the other trip or not of course is your decision to make. It would be a no from me!
You need to be more assertive with her, any chores she does to 'earn' the trip need to be on top of what is regularly asked to do.

@Testina yes my son is at uni, in private halls of residence and even for £7.3k a year there is no dishwasher.

My daughter - state school - is doing all the trips that have been offered. There are a lot, and this academic year they total about 2.5k (four trips) and the next academic year there is currently one booked that is 1.8k.

The ones that are happening this academic year I've been paying for in instalments since about last May, as have most other parents who's children are going.

There is no pressure to go from the school and there are different mixes of children going on the trips from multiple years. Some of the trips have more educational trips than others, some just look like they'd be loads of fun.

I only have one child, and when I/we go abroad we tend to do city breaks so it's a different type of holiday. Plus it's brilliant for her to travel in a supported, safe way but without her parent.

She's lucky, and she knows she is, and I'm glad that she's not developed a sense of entitlement past not being keen on tidying her room (yet).

I think if you can afford it then things like this are so good for them, seeing other countries, experiencing other cultures, the food, climates etc.

In my opinion - she needs to learn a lesson NOW. No way I would pay £2k for a child who thinks that money coming from the sky.
My 3,5 year old son is already told that in case he wants to get a Pudsey jumper for Pudsey day or have a visit at the playground - he must do something - at his age to tidy up toys, put his plates to the sink, help for mummy.
She goes to private school, she IS SPOILED already. There is nothing to be sorry "about.

Our DS -12 - paid for a 3rd of his school trip. He protested too as he knew we could just pay it but that really wasn’t the point.
he put some of his pocket money each week away, added ££ from birthday money and did jobs for ££.
He was till expected to do his normal chores for nothing, cleaning, tidying, walk dog, dishes etc separately.
His claim that no one else’s parents were making them contribute fell on deaf ears, because even if that was true, our house has its own rules!

My two stepsons recently finished uni - we regularly did the “you don’t know you’re born” routine over their (different) uni / student accommodation having dishwashers. And gyms, pool tables… not in all! But I think 4/6 places they had over each of their 3 years had them. Obvious not universal - but gone are the days when you could just assume uni year’s accommodation would be basic!

My DD's school,offer trips on a two year cycle. Nobody is going on all of them. Some go, some don't. Some go to Belgium in year eight, some go in year ten. Some don't go at all.

It's not up to the school to teach the children the value of money.

@Testina it has a games room, a tv room, a study space but no dishwasher. I can do the whole you don't know you are born as my uni days were in complete poverty whereas Dh was in catered halls for 1st and 3rd year with lunch included for 2nd year. But the reason we were willing to spend over £7k on accommodation was because he earned it. As will Ds2 who is in sixth form. Not just academically because he did get incredible grades but because they will drop everything if you come through the door laden with shopping, help unpack supermarket shops and put things away. Make family dinners for everyone, unpack a dishwasher each 3 times a week when Ds1 is home, take bins out etc. All without being asked.

Learning the value of labour, minimum wage, what salaries people earn and what houses cost in terms of initial price plus utilities, insurance etc makes children have an understanding of adulthood and that they will be expected to take all this on themselves. Plus simple things like a meal out is almost the same as a week's worth of supermarket shopping, or that spending £2k for one child for a school trip isn't really guaranteed when they already have a ski trip booked too. No doubt the OP's child will also be expecting a family holiday too. I would absolutely make her earn it and show her the cost of it too with what a child her age would be paid for an hour's work.

IME getting young teens to do “extra” jobs they don’t really want to do is a whole lot of extra work for you.

Mowing the lawn? Might as well do it yourself

Cleaning windows? They’ll end up worse than they started

Does she have any Xmas money/birthday money savings? Our teens seem to sit on piles of cash!

Sorry but she’s entitled because you’ve allowed her to become so (not a criticism, poor upbringing myself and guilty of the same)
stick to your guns, 13 year olds ought to be helping out regardless of “payment”.

What terrible advice! The more people that talk to the school the better, it’s outrageous to organise a 2k trip and they should be called out on it.

I'd have made her "pay" towards the skiing but not the educational trip

If you send your child to private school they are going to have a sense of entitlement alongside their friends and the lifestyle of those friends. These things just go hand in hand and you’re going to struggle to contain it.

I live with someone who had a very exclusive education and entitlement is the very core of him. Thankfully he’s a wonderful man in other ways but if it wasn’t for me keeping him grounded he would be a total nightmare.

Or perhaps she could ask for money towards it for Christmas

It is not the school's responsibility to teach pupils about the value of money. If she will not take onresponsibilty for earning extra money then she can't go.Simple. I would definitely stand firm- if not you risking with a pampered princess.even in adult hood we cannot always have what we want

@Irritateandunreasonable “What terrible advice! The more people that talk to the school the better, it’s outrageous to organise a 2k trip and they should be called out on it.”

Why did you bump a months old thread and not even read the OP posts properly?!!
🙄

It’s a private school. This is part of the point why people pay for them… they want the £2K ski trips. Nothing outrageous about it at all!