To ask DD to contribute to cost of school trip?

[Badabingy]

My 13 year old DD’s school announced this week that it’s arranging a trip next year abroad. It’s expensive (2k+), and comes after we’ve already signed her up for a ski trip for this school year. We’re in a fortunate position where we can afford it, and it seems lots of her friends are going. However, she seems to have an absolute expectation that she gets to go, and when we suggested that she might not be able to she had a strop. I spoke to her and explained that if she could put forward a proposal to ‘earn’ some of the money towards the trip by doing jobs around the house (I’m thinking about 10% of the cost, which would equate to less than an hour’s chores a week) then we’d consider it. She thinks we are being really unreasonable.

i grew up in a poor household and I’m continually astounded by her sense of entitlement. We try to keep her grounded but are not doing a very good job! When I was younger I missed an amazing trip at school and was absolutely gutted (funnily enough my mum told me a few years later that I’d just expected to be able to go and hadn’t offered to pay anything- if I had, they would have contributed the rest of the money).

I don’t want her to miss out but I don’t want her to think she can have expensive things like this handed to her in a plate.

AIBU?

Oh god yes I can totally see this happening!

"I spoke to her and explained that if she could put forward a proposal to ‘earn’ some of the money towards the trip by doing jobs around the house (I’m thinking about 10% of the cost, which would equate to less than an hour’s chores a week)"

We did exactly this for one of the expensive trips our daughters. We made a list of chores that they wouldn't normally do, like washing the car, a list of payment for each, and a target sum, don't remember exactly how much. We said they could either pay the sum out of their savings/pocket money etc., or earn it by doing chores, or a combination. They were about 16 at the time. I don't think it was unreasonable, and they didn't either.

YANBU. Unfortunately many teenagers have a sense of entitlement, whether or not they come from a privileged background.

It's really hard work for parents to make them see sense.

Whilst I think getting her to do chores and help contribute it’s a good idea, I don’t think it’s her fault the trips are so expensive if you have chosen private school.
Private schools don’t get additional funding for trips so all the money will be on the parents to pay, which you kind of signed up for.

The problem is with private schools is you may be ok for money but some will have bottomless pits so give their kids whatever they want . There will be an element of her panicking that her friends her stuff and if she doesn't she won't fit in .

Have you spoken to her about it ? I was spoilt as a child and it didn't do me any good tbh

Good for you.

Children should understand they are part of a family economy, and share a concerted communal effort to get all the jobs done and dusted. So that EVERYONE has time and space to do stuff they really enjoy.

Why are you saying yes to both trips? Even with a buy in from her. Two incredibly expensive schools trips by the time she's what? In y8? Utter madness.

I would say she can go but has to make up the 10%.
Butvtjst if she does this there's no more ski trips or other big trips now at that school.
Certainly don't want her thinking she can go off skiing every year automatically.
Do you have other children to consider who you will need to fund trips for as well.

@Badabingy you’re daughter sounds as if she is acting a little spoilt in this scenario and you are combating that by teaching her the value of money. I think it sounds like you are being a good mum and it will help her in the long run.

All three of mine went on the school skiing trip which we paid for but then one wanted to go on a trip into the Amazon rain forest working with researchers .
The cost of the trip was over £3000!!
Son was absolutely desperate to go so we agreed that we would pay half and he had to raise the other £1500 .
My son at the time wasn’t the most productive of people but he worked really hard working at BandQ ,cafe work and fundraising with his friends…luckily all parents on the same page and they all achieved it .
I was really pleased with him and his friends and they all felt a massive sense of achievement. So yes definitely get your daughter to contribute. Could be the making of her TBH .

@polio999

DD's school offered a variety of trips, they didn't expect the same kids on every trip, there were 600 in her year alone (4 years in total, 2200 pupils)

Half of me says to tell her NO she cannot go as it is expensive and she is already going on a trip this year.
she needs to pull her weight as she will grow up entitled and have a huge shock in the real world. Yes we want to give our DC all the best things but at what costs
my 9 year old is paying for Half his trip with school. He actually feels good that he is helping around the house and paying for it himself. I am not talking sending him up the chimneys but jobs like clear the table , empty dishwasher.
get her to change her attitude or don’t sign the form.

I'd expect a 9 year old to be doing jobs like clearing the table and emptying the dishwasher without being paid for them tbh. When he's "paid" for the trip does he get to stop doing those things?

If i had the money I’d do …for an extra bit of quiet 🤣 but I’d explain I’m happy to pay but help out more, no attitude or there’s no trip.

You have actively chosen to send her to a private school where actually it most likely becomes true that, “all my friends are going”. So I think you have to keep that in mind. This isn’t an entitled child wanting all of the once in a “school lifetime” trips - it’s a child living the school norm that you’ve chosen for her.

I disagree with making her do chores to go, for two reasons:

1. I disagree with chores for money - including pocket money - anyway. You lived here, you contribute. Chores are an expectation of life in my household.
2. It’s not logical - the extra chores don’t actually create the money to pay for this trip. It’s not like you’re cancelling the cleaner because she’s taking over and putting £30 a week to it. It just looks like you’re punishing her, for being born to parents who can afford nice things. (and she will be surrounded by 13yo’s who want VS pyjamas - and get them)

I would say yes to the trip - isn’t it part of why you chose the school? But her financial contribution would be real - I would tell her that it was her birthday present. Probably not Xmas as that’s a shared gifting time. But birthday - yes. That’s the norm in my Y9’s social circle (state school but generally reasonably off parents) - big trips become birthday presents.

That’s the norm in my Y9’s social circle (state school but generally reasonably off parents) - big trips become birthday presents.

2K on a birthday present? Blimey. I guess your point about people living their school norm is spot on. I suspect the country norm is more likely parents not being able to afford the trip full stop or possibly scrimping and saving for one trip during the whole time in secondary school.

I would be saying no, regardless of whether I could afford it.

Your daughter needs to learn that she can't have everything, particularly as she doesn't seem to appreciate it

That’s brilliant.

We’re in a similar situation with dd (who can be a bit entitled) going on two expensive trips next year. I think I’m going to make her earn some money towards them on the back of this thread!

We were in a similar position when our eldest wanted to go with her (state) school to Russia having already been to France and Poland that year. We made her contribute a token amount of her allowance and to save her own spending money. She babysat for us, cleaned our cars and earned from teaching sailing.

Thinking back, it was the right thing to do and probably added to her enjoyment knowing she had earned it.

With my dd ski trip, there was no big birthday or Christmas presents for the year before, all ski gear was Christmas presents.
Instead of laying down the law ask her how can she raise some money, what is fair? I mean nothing is not an option, but she is old enough to realise you are not kidding here

ButterCrackers

Absolutely.

@sheepdogdelight I didn’t mean that if they didn’t go on the £2K trip they’d get a full £2K birthday present instead! 🤣
Just as a contribution, so that they’re genuinely saving the parent money, and giving up something to do so.

Birthday present cost among my Y9’s friends is really variable, and it’s not the same every year. But, as an example one friend has been given a £100 concert ticket. The real cost to the parent is higher, as they’ve had to buy themselves a ticket and there’ll be a hotel too. Of course, it’s also fun for the parent! She’s been told - no birthday party. Parents could afford both, but they want her to see that there isn’t money to burn.

So no £2K birthday present - but knowing that because you’re on a £2K trip, you’re not getting the £100 present you might have got.
It’s not the exact money so much as the understanding of choices and not always getting it all.

Right back when mine were pre-schoolers, sometimes I’d refuse sweets or a magazine explaining, “I don’t have enough money for that this week.” I was lucky that that was never true - but I think it’s good for kids to grow up hearing the sounds of a budget being consulted and no bottomless pit!

I do think it’s unfair to pile on like this teen is some entitled brat for thinking it’s OK to have two expensive trips in two separate academic years. It’s her parents who chose the school, and put her in that environment. Doesn’t mean she should get everything and she needs guidance to appreciate what she has.

I was recently around a private school girl who had just done a sports tour in South Africa. She referred to an upcoming Paris trip as, “not a proper trip”. Not in a shitty way, just I suppose like an adult might feel they hadn’t been “on holiday” after a long weekend in the U.K. compared to a week in Spain. My daughter was there, and afterwards I told her that I never wanted her to feel that 3 days in Paris didn’t count as a proper trip! We talked then about the environment you’re in - that girl was lovely, not an entitled brat at all. But her expectations and what a “proper trip” looked like were entirely down to her parents’ choices, not hers.

children naturally have expectations according to their environment and how their family spends money. I grew up in an extremely poor country and think most people in the uk seem incredibly entitled. It is all relative and we are all guilty of it.

Why on earth is it the school's issue? They are offering opportunities, the pupils don't have to go. And the vast majority won't go

Hmm.

My DD is 13 and she's not going on the £900 languages trip all her mates are going on because we can't afford it - She hasn't had a strop though.

If your DD is already going on a ski trip she's v privileged already.

I think you're wise to talk with her about it and think with her about entitlement.