think pnd has damaged me forever

[poochie9]

My little girl is now 11 weeks. I’ve been diagnosed with pnd and ocd and have taken all the necessary steps to get better. Started on medication and under the perinatal mental health team.

i just feel like it’s to late for me now and mine and my little girls bond is just going to be damaged forever. I’ll never get rid of these thoughts that she deserves better than me, someone who can love her with there whole heart and not an emotionless mess of a mum

the tablets I’m taking might well lift my mood but how can I ever get back the time where a special bond should have been made? How is that going to come.
i feel like I’m going to go through life a half feeling human.

ive posted so many times various talk topics to do with pnd and ocd and no matter how many responses I get I just can’t shake the feeling that I’m irreversibly broken.
my little girl is beautiful. I wish this never happened to me and now I don’t know how to come back from this. I just want the best for her

Hello, sorry to hear of your struggles. I was in a similar position 2 and a half years ago. All I can tell you is I slowly recovered day by day and now when I my little one says mummy and runs up to me that bond is there. For now stick with just getting through the day the bond will come through that. Keep on keeping on.

You'll never know how you 'should' feel. You'll always doubt that the love and bond that will come will be somehow sub par to that you could have experienced if 'x/y/z' hadn't occurred.

But what matters is that a) you've sought help and b) you're a good enough mother to worry about this. The fact you're worried means you love her. The fact you're worried means there's hope. Because there is.

Whatever you feel now will pass and your baby won't remember but you will remember it in some form and it'll always push you to be the best you can be. The most present, the most loving, always striving to achieve and when that little girl adores you and wraps her arms around you, it's all going to be worth it because you've made it. It won't be damaged or imperfect, it'll be everything you've always dreamed of and it'll be wonderful.

But until that day, keep fighting. You're both worth it.

There is plenty of time to make that bond. Keep doing what you're doing and get yourself well xx

Very gently, YABU. These feelings are just your illness talking. You and your lovely dd ready have a special bond and this will strengthen and grow as time goes on and pnd will not define your relationship with her long term.

You are at the start of a long journey - there will be other special times that bond you together. What your child will know is that you were proactive in dealing with your mental health so you could be there for her.
I know what you are going through, I promise - it will get better, you will form a bond and you will look back and feel proud of the inner strength you had to generate to get to the other side.

When I tell you I hated my little boy when he was born and for many months after, I meant it. I had zero bond, he cried constantly and my 'positive' would be that 'at least I didn't hurt him today' (I never hurt him to clarify, but I said this every day)

I walked out on him and my DS on two or 3 occasions at absolute breaking point and I didn't feel like this child was mine

This went on for a while and even when I had medication and was starting to feel better, those feelings were still there.

I'll be honest, and it's really only in the last 8 months or so that I've really felt that bursting unconditional love where my heart bursts every time I think about how much I love him. He is utterly my world and my best friend and I could not imagine being without him. I feel SO guilty that I ever felt the way I did. He is 2 years and 4 months now.

What I'm trying to say is that it can be a super long road to recovery. But you WILL get there. You WILL feel better and you WILL get that bond. It's an awful journey and it's painstaking at times but you are stronger than you think.

And whilst the days seem long, the years are short. Make sure you have a good support system around you and you'll be absolutely fine.

You'll get through this even if it feels like that is so far off right now 🤍

As someone who was once there, one day you’ll read a thread like this and all those thoughts will come tumbling back, and you’ll realise how far you’ve come and wonder how you could ever have doubted the bond between you.

You’re doing good, hang on in there ❤️

Nope! You are wrong! What your baby needs is you physically there, which you are. She doesn't know how awful you are feeling. She just needs cuddles. Just keep looking after her, and yourself and you will get there I promise you.

OP, we're so sorry you're going through such a difficult time.

We can see you're getting good advice and support on this thread but we just wanted to add a few more links to organisations which may be able to give you some support in real life.

First of all, here's a link to our Mental Health resources. There are lots of organisations listed which can give you some extra support.

You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected], or call them, any time, on 116 123.

Your baby is still very young and you may well be experiencing postnatal depression, so we'd urge you to take a look at an organisation called PANDAS Foundation which was set up to support families through PND & AND. Their webpage is here and they have a free helpline, available Monday – Sunday 11am-10pm - 0808 1961 776. Please take a look at their website and consider giving them a call - we know they've helped many Mumsnetters in the past.

We'd also urge you to take a look at the [[https://www.cry-sis.org.uk/
cry-sis website]]. Their helpline number is 08451 228 669
and their lines are open 7 days a week 9am-10pm.

Sending good wishes from all at MNHQ. We really hope things start to get a bit easier for you soon.

Be kind to yourself OP. It's never too late to build that bond. She's only 11 weeks old. You've got the rest of your lives xx

Your are still right in the middle of it.
You WILL feel better.
Keep being honest and taking all help.
All I can tell you was that a very close friend was in a similar position with both her babies and now, several years down the line her bond with her children is as strong and close as you could ever hope for.
11 weeks is still very early. She will remember nothing and has no concept of anything beyond needing to be fed, changed and cuddled. Keep working on getting better and she will have the best mum possible!! You!

Things will get better OP. You don't need to 'reverse' what has already happened, you've been there for DD and that's all that's mattered. You've got the rest of your lives to make happier memories together. One day you'll look back and be proud of yourself for getting through such a tough time and getting the help you need. And that's what makes you the best mum ❤️

This is so very true. My little girl is 2 next month and when I read your post it actually made my heart sink a little because I was you. Now I honestly can’t imagine my life without her and love her so much. I really don’t feel that there has been any damage to the bond between us. Babies are hard wired to love their parents.

Perinatal OCD is horrible, I’ve had it, I can say that with therapy and medication life is a million times better. I have a wonderful bond with my children. I do wish it never happened, but I can’t change the past,p I keep looking forward.

It sounds great that you’ve got help so early on, it took me a very long time to get help, and that really is a big step in the right direction. Keep talking, take all the help you can get and it will get better xxx

You ARE NOT broken. It's OK to need help to feel like yourself again.

Personal experience, I felt like that too. I still take medication even 5 years and another baby down the line, but I need it. If I had a heart condition, I'd take the meds for it, so it's just something u have to do. CbT helped too.
It takes a while to get out of the treacle but you'll get there. I love both my kids more than anything, and I don't think our bond was irreversibly damaged, it just took a wee while longer.

I have been where you are. Mine's 15 now and our bond is absolutely fine.
Hang in there OP

Thank you all you kind people for taking the time to reply to me. I’m so sorry so many of you have also had to experience this.

my biggest fear is that my emotions are always going to be blunted and I’ll never be able to FEEL the love I know I should have for her or stop doubting if it’s even there. She is so well looked after, I sing with her and play with her and care for her well but I feel such a disconnect deep down and it honestly breaks my heart

Hey OP

I feel I’m mid-way through this journey. I had/have postnatal anxiety and OCD (panic, anxiety, low mood, intrusive thoughts etc).

my daughter is a very wanted baby so I couldn’t understand why this happened to me. Let me reiterate you aren’t the first and you won’t be the last - you are never alone.

I was put on sertraline, and gradually (with CBT) I am 80% myself again. I also plan to stay on meds if I have another if it is necessary.

Brighter days lie ahead but let me tell you; I sooooo remember that feeling of ‘I’ll never be the same again’. By god, you will be.

The good news is you are one of many, the bad news is people just don’t talk about is enough.

You will be okay.

You honestly won't feel this way forever OP

I’ve been there, you will feel better and as far as your baby is concerned you DO have a bond, you’ve been taking care of her needs and holding her etc I imagine? How would she know your thoughts, the bond on your side will come and it’ll probably come quickly as you recover and the medication rebalances you.

Just read your update. Ah no, you will be grand. Give it time. All will be well, I promise you X

You can't see it right now but believe me, you are doing an amazing job. The bond is there, it's just going to take a little time to find it.

Nearly 7 years ago I posted on MN because I was in the same place. DD was the same age as yours and while I knew she was a lovely little baby I felt nothing. I took care of her but... nothing.

I got some great advice, a lot of which previous posters have mentioned. You need to take care of yourself too and please, please know that with time things will get better.

My DD is now the other half of me. I adore her. She didn't suffer as a result of my PND and our bond is incredibly strong now. You are not broken, you are doing an amazing job and with time you'll be able to see that.

Sending much love.

My mum was extremely ill with PND and OCD when I was born and my sibling was born. We're both adults now with our own families and our bond was never damaged by it at all. You have the rest of their lives to make a special bond. I'd never wish it on anyone but I'm so glad in a way that my mum suffered with her MH as I was bought up with a real empathy for other people and it's equipped me well in life. Please know from the daughter of someone who was so unwell she couldn't even tell the psychiatrist my dad took her to what she was thinking that we've all had and are having excellent lives. She did a good job as will you x

The thing with OCD is that it latches on to the things you care about the most and causes doubt. The very fact that your are worrying about your bond with her shows how much you love her and want the bond. Please make sure you speak to your mental health support team about this as well, it can be hard to tell people in real life how you are feeling but it’s the best way to get the help you need, and with OCD to face the OCD bully.

Please also remember it’s early days, she’s only 11 weeks old, so right now you will probably be tired and your body is healing, your hormones are all over the place and you’re adjusting to having a baby. It also takes a little while for the meds to settle down in your system and start working, and for the support you’re getting to make a difference.

Yabu. Honestly, it's early days. Really early.

I had pnd with my first. I was really lucky that having my second was very healing.

They are all grown up now, and I don't feel any differently about them. They are equally the best people in my life. In fact I've not long returned from holiday with my first born.

Be patient with yourself. You are going to be just fine, you need support and time, but you'll get there.