think pnd has damaged me forever

[poochie9]

My little girl is now 11 weeks. I’ve been diagnosed with pnd and ocd and have taken all the necessary steps to get better. Started on medication and under the perinatal mental health team.

i just feel like it’s to late for me now and mine and my little girls bond is just going to be damaged forever. I’ll never get rid of these thoughts that she deserves better than me, someone who can love her with there whole heart and not an emotionless mess of a mum

the tablets I’m taking might well lift my mood but how can I ever get back the time where a special bond should have been made? How is that going to come.
i feel like I’m going to go through life a half feeling human.

ive posted so many times various talk topics to do with pnd and ocd and no matter how many responses I get I just can’t shake the feeling that I’m irreversibly broken.
my little girl is beautiful. I wish this never happened to me and now I don’t know how to come back from this. I just want the best for her

I had PND and a son with suspected - thankfully, mild- brain injury. A family member who is a medic reminded me that my baby's brain was still almost entirely plastic. Within limits obviously, but when it comes to something like laying down the neural pathways of love and reliance you have more time than you think.

Thank you for all of your replies. I just want to be better. I hold my little girl in my arms most days and tears just fill my eyes because of the guilt I that I feel. She’s such a perfect, happy little baby. I just hope one day I can give her everything that she deserves x

One hour/day at a time. You will get there. I found the PANDAS helped - mumsnet linked them earlier.

I wasn’t too keen on DD until she was around 6/8 months later old.
Shes 17 now and amazing, we have a brilliant relationship

Honestly she is 11 weeks. It’s all still so new and you’re still in survival mode, any parent would be. You’ve not ruined anything. My little girl is 5 months and I’m just now feeling like I’m getting to ‘know’ her , like she’s not just something I have to keep alive ! Honestly please don’t beat yourself up. Your little girl loves you so so much you’re her favourite person, FULL STOP. You’ve got years to get to know each other and build your special bond.

You’re already giving your little girl what she deserves - a mummy who cuddles her and thinks she is perfect. That’s all she needs xx

You will, I promise you.
Keeeep cuddling

Lots of women don’t get the “instant” bond and rush of love.

I didn’t really feel the love until about 6 months, it just gradually grew. I didn’t have PND, it just took me a while to grow to love the little stranger who’d come to live with us!

It will come in time. You’re giving your baby everything she needs for now.

Hi Op

So sorry you are feeling this way, you're doin the right thing with getting help for it. Are you having counselling as well as medication? Sorry if you mentioned that and I missed it.

I've quoted this post as it's exactly how I felt when my daughter was born. I had PPA, PPD and PTSD due to her birth and felt so disconnected to her and couldn't understand why. I worked through it in therapy/counselling on the NHS and went onto medication as well and it really really helped in the end, along with time.

She's now 10 months old and I slowly realised a few months ago that the bond is definitely there, and I didn't even notice it develop as it wasn't like a light switch going or anything - just a slow build up through doing everything you're doing.

I felt a strange mix of having too many emotions and yet feeling emotionless and flat and a sense of nothingness at the same time.

A family member asked me once whether I felt that rush of love when I saw her for the first time and I wanted to cry because I didn't, and I didn't feel that any time soon after the birth either.

But now when I go into her room and she's stood holding the bars or when she's tired and rubs her eyes or when I walk into the room and she smiles at me I feel it. Just give yourself time ♥️

@Bluedoritos i haven’t started any counselling or therapy yet nope. I think there is quite a wait. I also don’t really know how to tell someone exactly how I’m feeling. It sounds to horrible to even say out loud to someone. I’m so sad that this has happened. I feel like a robot just going through the motions atm. Her little smile makes me smile and I giggle with her and give her lots of cuddles but I’m just questioning everything. I feel like because that seed of doubt has been planted; what’s now what my ocd has fixated onto x

@Bluedoritos what you describe feeling with your daughter when you see her smile at you is what I’m craving the most. I’m happy that you got through it all and your now enjoying the time with your little girl x

That is indeed what your OCD has fixated on - the intrusive thoughts and doubts can be so awful. It can help a bit to externalise the thoughts, as in 'This is the PND speaking' - I found it helped me see the thoughts as a symptom of my illness rather than a reflection of my true self, iyswim.
It does get better, OP, I promise. Hang on in there. You really, really are doing a wonderful job of being mum to your little girl. Just look what you're doing - you've sought help, and despite feeling like shit, you are cuddling and interacting with your baby. She smiles at you and you smile back. This is wonderful and you are a trooper. Xx

@poochie9 have you been referred for therapy? You can refer yourself online usually. You should be fast tracked due to being post partum, but it does still take a little time.

It is hard to say how you're feeling but they send questionnaires out before your appointment (or in the first appointment they might ask you the questions actually) and those are good starting points to help you focus your thoughts and feelings and how to verbalise them.

My appointments were all on the phone which helped me as I was more honest about how bad I was feeling. I went from having appointments where I cried down the phone to actually discharging myself from the service in the end because I was feeling strong enough.

I do think though that alongside therapy and medication it really is time that helps! It takes time to build the bond

I have self reffered but it was quite soon after I had my little girl and before things really started to go downhill. It was more anxiety and panic I was struggling with but that quickly changed to being severely depressed and started with the ocd. So now I don’t know how much it will help because they think they’re treating something else if that makes sense? 😣

I’m going to speak with my doctor and see if they can put in another referral for me specifically to help with the PND.

I really am at such a loss atm. Things seem to bleak, I could never have imagined things would turn out this way, but then again, who does? You never think it’ll happen to you

@SignOnTheWindow I’m trying really hard to separate it but it’s hard to know what’s real and what’s not anymore. Maybe these are just my true feelings and if that’s the case, where do I go from here? I genuinely couldn’t live with myself feeling like this forever

it all just seems so cruel and everyone in my life is suffering because of me

OP I had awful, awful PND, anxiety and OCD after the birth of my second baby. When I look back at that period I still see it as being grey if that makes sense. I couldn't even look at pictures of people smiling or see them on TV without becoming hysterical with grief that I would never be happy again. Then of course there was the guilt....

DD is 6 now and I swear we have the best relationship. We are joined at the hip.

It does get better. It really really does.

Yup. This

13 years on. It’s just a memory. But the bond is real.

@ScarlettOHaraHamiltonKennedyButler i can’t even imagine a future where that happens for me and my family anymore. It feels so so far out of reach. The first few weeks of my little girls life already feel like such a haze and have just been so sad 😰

i have never been a negative person, always a glass half full kind of girl but I just can’t switch out of this negative mindset as much as I’m trying to. I feel like a different person

I don't know if this helps at all but I went through an incredibly dark time with my little one. I have a history of depression and anxiety but this was something else. And the guilt was awful. Try to take each day one hour at a time. Even if you are just "going through the motions" that is all that is needed right now. Medication can take a while to kick in and also as your child's sleep improves so will yours which will help. What helped me was when I got to the stage where my child smiled back. It wasn't an instant bond but everything started to feel more worthwhile. I am not going to lie and say from then on it was all roses. It was about 1 year on when I felt like myself again and even then probably another 6 months until I felt truly positive.

You could honestly be me speaking 6 years ago. It takes time but you will feel like yourself again. For me it took going back to work at 10 months but everyone is different. Please don't be hard on yourself.

That disconnect you describe- I had it. I could see the amazing little person my daughter was, appreciate how beautiful she was and find joy in who she was and what she did. But it felt like there was a glass wall between us. I couldn't say that I loved her. I thought I probably did but I didn't know for sure.

I did the best that I could, just like you're doing. I sought help and I worked it through and I got through it. You will too. Asking for help is the biggest, hardest step that you can take, so I really hope that you are able to appreciate that you've done that and be proud that you are making sure that you can be the best Mum that you can be.

When you come out the other side of this, and you will, I promise, you will be able to see how hard you are working now and how hard you have worked. The guilt and the worry never truly go I don't think, but more because you're a parent and that is just life now! But also because she is your biggest work and because she is important to you and because your are a good Mum.

Look at the singing, the playing, all the different things you do with her. What is extra amazing about all that is that even though you aren't well at the moment (and you aren't- mental health is as real and as challenging as physical health complications) you are still trying your very hardest for her. All you can do is your best with the circumstances you have. They are what they are and when you are feeling better, you'll have the ability to look back and go "Yeah, I had a really rubbish hand of cards dealt to me there, but look how hard I tried for my baby throughout". You are enough, you will get better and you are an amazing Mum. X

@Bumblebee413 your reply just made me cry because that is exactly how I feel and I’ve not been able to put it Into words properly. Yes, it’s like a glass wall is there. I can see my beautiful little girl and all of her amazing little quirks, but it’s like I’m removed from them. That’s what makes it all the more painful.

it feels like I’ll always be watching her through some kind of screen. Appreciating her but not being able to enjoy her the way I know I should be.

how did you stop yourself from feeling this way? 😣 x

Oh op I feel like you need a hug! Being a mum is so incredibly difficult and you always think your doing it all wrong. My baby is 12 now and I felt sane way. Do you have any support? Have you got parents close by that can help you out to give you a break?

You will be you again I promise. It takes time. This is all such a huge shock. I had Post-natal anxiety and OCD. TBH I was highly anxious in pregnancy and thought people were after me but I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t get help until my DD was about 18m. I still feel guilty now and then and she’s 7 and a half. I feel like I was a crap mum even though logically I didn’t do anything wrong. I think because I found it all really hard I was disparaging towards myself. I couldn’t forgive myself for not being perfect and that ruined the first few years actually
I did find myself again. I feel like I found a better version of me than before I had her

@doyouwanna my partner has been very supportive but I feel like he is exhausted now and I’m ruining this for him. My mum has come to stay with me once or twice a week.
the thing is, I don’t even feel like I need a break. My little girl is a dream to look after and care for. What I really need is the emotional support because the hardest thing is being left alone with my thoughts all day by myself. It’s claustrophobic and scary at times