think pnd has damaged me forever

[poochie9]

My little girl is now 11 weeks. I’ve been diagnosed with pnd and ocd and have taken all the necessary steps to get better. Started on medication and under the perinatal mental health team.

i just feel like it’s to late for me now and mine and my little girls bond is just going to be damaged forever. I’ll never get rid of these thoughts that she deserves better than me, someone who can love her with there whole heart and not an emotionless mess of a mum

the tablets I’m taking might well lift my mood but how can I ever get back the time where a special bond should have been made? How is that going to come.
i feel like I’m going to go through life a half feeling human.

ive posted so many times various talk topics to do with pnd and ocd and no matter how many responses I get I just can’t shake the feeling that I’m irreversibly broken.
my little girl is beautiful. I wish this never happened to me and now I don’t know how to come back from this. I just want the best for her

I was you
the best piece of advice I was given was that every time I picked baby up, every feed, every nappy change to say out loud to the baby ‘I’m glad you’re here ‘. I love you’
’you’re special ‘. ‘You’re doing great’
It sounds ( and feels ) really silly at first but I found that reinforcing those positive comments for myself and baby really helped
it took a good year. But we did get there

and you will too

Your bond is already there, beneath the worries and doubts. I think many mums think the bond should be different to what they feel. But actually we are struggling with hormones, milk production, sleepless nights and a complete change in our lives. That little baby is gorgeous but she has changed everything in your life before she arrived, its not surprising the adjustment takes time.

As the months go by the bond becomes more obvious and real. While you doubt just make sure you are giving cuddles, being responsive to her needs and talking to her. It's all she needs right now and by time she needs more you will probably be ready.

It wasn't that I stopped myself really. I was doing everything that I could to be a good Mum, just like you are, and I'm still proud of that now. I like to think of it like my head was struggling, but my heart always loved her. I was protective and I did everything I could to make sure she felt loved and everything that I thought was best for her. But my head couldn't accept that I loved her, because I wasn't very well.

I didn't choose to be unwell and neither did you. I asked for help and tried to be kind to myself and forgive myself. That forgiveness and understanding that I wasn't choosing any of it helped. I don't know when or what your turning point will be because it's such a personal journey, but I can promise you that you're so much closer already by asking for help. In all honesty, it wasn't gradual for me- one day I suddenly realised that it had lifted and there was nothing between us. If anything I'd had one of my darkest days just before it as I was working everything through and understanding what I'd been through and what had happened to us.

So in that respect, hold on and keep going- my cloud lifted very suddenly and yours may too, even if it feels like it's there forever. You've got this x

You are what your baby needs. And my goodness you are doing the business for her despite how you feel. you’re not ruining anything for anyone:. Life is imperfect. Babies and children are hard wired to love their parents. The weeks of a newborn seem to last like months when you’re in it with all the sleep deprivation and learning how to be a mum. This will pass and with support you will overcome this stage.

@Heatherjayne1972 i started doing this today. Sometimes I find myself doing it without even thinking, and then my brain likes to play games with me. Exhausting. But I will keep on doing this. My little girl needs to hear those words every 🤍

@Endpress @Tumbleweed101 thank you so much. I believe I am doing all the right things for my little girl and if anyone was to look at me, they’d never know how I truly feel. My partner says he knows we are bonded, whether I feel it or not, because he sees how I am with her. I guess that’s something? I don’t feel as though I am acting or forcing anything, it comes naturally but as @Bumblebee413 said, my head is telling me it’s not real or it should feel different. I just wish I will wake up and the clouds have lifted and things feel clear again. White is white and black is black. I’m exhausted trying to figure out my own brain and thoughts and emotions every single day.

@poochie9
not just the baby who needs to hear it
the point of saying it out loud is so you can hear it too

Sorry for posting on here again. Just wanting a bit of a hand hold really. Do any of you ladies have any experience of taking sertraline to help you with your PND? I’ve been taking sertraline now for 4 weeks and recently up my dose again (on Monday) - I’ve taken a bit of another dip; and also feel a little bit spaced out but like my brain is over stimulated at the same time. It’s hard to explain exactly.
i know the best person to ask is my gp but they’re not closed for the weekend and I’m just panicking a little bit x

I took sertraline for my PND and post natal anxiety it took a few weeks to kick in and I felt worse foe a couple of weeks initially

Any time you change the dose it can feel a bit funny but should settle down.

I had PND with #1 and am in the midsts of it with #2. The only thing that’s stopping me from jumping under a train at the moment is the knowledge I couldn’t leave my darling, perfect girl - I hated being her mummy for so long and now she’s my literal reason to survive. I got through it last time, I’ll get through it this time and you will too.

@ShadowPuppets soeru you’re going through this again. If you need to chat, please dm me. This illness makes you feel so isolated, definitely helps to talk to people who are going through the same thing as you.
wishing you well x

I only took one Sertraline tablet and it really badly affected me to the extent I was terrified to ever take one again. My mind was racing, my heart was racing and it made me violently sick which I couldn't afford to be at the time as I couldn't take fluids or food due to such bad anxiety. It took me about six months in total to somewhat recover and another six or so to feel happy and calm again without medication. When I was at my worst my OCD was so bad I was spending whole days on courses online about intrusive thoughts and I had no idea how I would ever overcome it but I did and you will too. Please do DM me if you ever need anything. I really do understand and there's nothing after the worst year of my life that would shock me to hear. It is so so lonely trying to explain it to People who don't get it.

@poochie9 how can I ever get back the time where a special bond should have been made?

My ds is 4. I had awful PND.

To answer your specific question, for me, every time he says "I love you" or "Mummy you mean the world to me", I feel the bond hit me like a smack to the guts. I am glad I got the worst of the pnd out of the way whilst he was too small to care.

@NameChangedBecauseImHereALot the intrusive thoughts are the worst. I think I’d suffered with them for a while without every really reaslising, they were always based around health and keeping my loved ones save. But since having my little girl they’re completely different, another level of torment that I’ve got to try and get enough everyday. I agree with you, it’s very lonely and extremely isolating. Makes me doubt who I am every single day

Have you got someone from the perinatal team to talk to?
You will get through this

@WinterTastic i have a worker from the perinatal mental health team who comes and visits every week. She’s here again on Thursday

Please don’t worry about your bond. I had PND when my second baby was born and then my husband was made redundant and he was out of work until the baby was 18 months old. He completely took over and I let him. But when he went back to work I managed to properly bond with him. He’s 14 now and the loveliest boy ❤️

I also had terrible intrusive thoughts after my 3rd baby. I know how scary that can be. Massive hugs you can talk to me with no judgement if you need someone x

You will get through this. I had similar to you. PND, horrendous intrusive thoughts. It feels like your mind is torturing you. The bond was slow, but my dc are in primary school now and that bond grew over time.
I look back now and the horrific intrusive thoughts I actually see as being proof that there always was a bond - being so terrified of something bad happening that your mind just creates all these scenarios. Your bond will grow and grow.
The PND changes you forever but any ups and downs in life shape who you are. Meds take some time to work and you may need to try a few but they absolutely do help so keep trying. You are strong even if you don’t feel that way. You won’t always feel like this, the light at the end of the tunnel is there, you just have to keep going to see it.

@Wombatbum @35965a it’s so desperately sad that so many of us have to go through this 😢 I feel as though I’m grieving for the loss all of my little girls first few weeks because they’ve been spent under the darkest of clouds. I know she won’t remember, but I will. Although saying that, the past few weeks feel like such a blur x

It’s so tough but I’m living proof you can and will get through it. Honestly I promise you these things will ease. I remember getting my mum to come and sit with me at night time because I was terrified when everyone else was asleep. It was all the intrusive thoughts. Also the more you try not to think about something the more you think about it. They say the trick is to let the thought come and wash over you and try and not let it distress you. If you’re not having any joy with sertraline don’t be afraid to ask for something else. Citalopram worked very well for me xx

OP don't worry about the bond. You will get better. The bond will happen over time.

I had horrific PND. I dont think I developed a bond till she was about 8 months.
DD is now 4 and my god I am so in love with her. I couldn't care less about the bond being there from the start. It doesn't matter. You'll realise that's not important.

The best advice I can give you as someone who went through this, be open about your struggle, find support where you can, have pockets of time away from baby (even an hour or two). And just concentrate on getting better. For you.
Baby will love you and be raised happily regardless. Your MH is so important. The bond will come.

That will pass I promise. I remember waking up with a tingling head where my anxiety was so strong it felt like a band around it. My intrusive thoughts stopped being what if questions and started becoming full statements like facts and I'd live and sleep in a constant state of fear that didn't let up, feeling like I'd tipped too far back on a chair everytime one of them dropped. Looking back now, I can't even identify with that feeling. I had absolutely no idea how I would ever get through it at the time and at the worst stage, I'd gone to sleep over at my parents in my mums bed with her because I couldn't face how awful I felt then found out the next day I had covid and I was so ill with it I spent ten days indoors, just me and my thoughts. I really thought there was no coming back from that. I was awake all day and night, napping in the morning daylight hours because it felt only slightly better. My mind honestly wanted me to think I was a monster. I'm only sharing my experience with you to let you know it does pass. I don't know how or why but I honestly can't even imagine feeling that way now. For a while after even when the thoughts went I was still so sad and how I'd been feeling but now I just don't care anymore, it's like when I think about it all I can really think is 'I was ill it wasn't my fault' and I'm at peace with it. Life is good again and it will be for you too. I know so well what it's like to not feel safe in your own body and mind but no matter what false alarms its sending you, you will gradually return to balance. You have to as biologically these symptoms cannot last. I remember being told that and it was a relief to know that even if I did nothing but ride it out I would be okay. I really reccomend the free app NOCD, Nathan Peterson and Ali Greymond on YouTube. Ali also has has OCD app which you can use to basically test whether you're having an intrusive thought which is free. I can't remember the name as I deleted them all to move on but it was so so good at the time. Please keep coming back to this thread whenever you need to, your situation is so awful but so much more common than you think and we are all here for you. I know you will get through this x

It’s been a few weeks since I last posted on here but I just wanted to post a short update to all of the lovely women who took the time to reply back to me. To say I was desperate at the time I posted would be an understatement. I know I still have a long road to recovery, but after reading my old posts I can finally see how far I have come. At my lowest I felt so hopeless, I didn’t want to be here anymore. Something I never thought I would say, or feel, especially after the birth of my very wanted little girl.
The messages I received on this forum, I believe, saved me. My baby girl is almost 6 months. She is thriving. I am getting by, having better moments and have started to see a way out of the dark hole I spent so many months in. I still feel a huge amount of sadness, but purely in relation to what happened to me and the effect it had on my family. The newborn stage passed me by in the blink of an eye. During it, the days felt never ending. I feel like I have missed that part of my little girl, I wasn’t present, I was unwell I know, I survived it, but I am unbelievably sad those precious moments were stolen from me.
i am trying to move forward now with some hope that the future will be brighter. Some days that’s still hard to believe. I am trying to process what happened whilst still recovering at the same time. I feel guilty, I feel sad for all that happened, in part, I still don’t feel like a “real mum” or that I’m experiencing motherhood in the way that I’d always expected, feeling the things I expected to feel. I’m partly numb.
but, I am also getting better. I am able to drag myself out of the house on the days that I don’t want to. I’ve made it to baby groups, seen friends, laughed and started to make happier memories with my little girl.
i don’t know if I’ll ever be fully okay ever again, if motherhood is ever going to be what it should have been, before I got poorly. My one wish is that my daughter lives a happy life. I will continue to try everyday to make that happen for her x