I want to tell my husband I will divorce him if he gains a lot more weight

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My father in law is morbidly overweight, struggles to walk, etc and I have nothing against him but dread the thought of my husband being like that. I’m sorry but I couldn’t stay, I want to be active and do things and to be doing that to your own body…

He’s quickly heading to that direction though. Him and I never share a meal, he doesn’t eat the healthy food I cook he would just order a takeaway instead. He says he loves my cooking but can’t see him eating it?? I batch cook things so there’s always healthy food in the freezer but he won’t eat it. I eat my dinner earlier as I don’t want to put on weight, I will only eat in the evenings if there’s a special occasion.

As well if we go for a day out I will eat and the kids will eat before so we don’t get hungry and he says he’s not hungry and as soon as we get there he will buy something unhealthy. This is exactly what his father would do. I just reminded him there’s some really delicious risotto in the freezer as he said he was going to get a takeaway, he says he hasn’t eaten all day. He’s not taking the hint! Would I be unreasonable to just tell him if you get as big as your dad I will want a divorce..?

You should never take advice from people here

Proceeds to post advice....

It's clear there's a massive compatability issue here OP, there's nothing wrong with wanting your partner to be fit and healthy but it's clear you have food issues as do a lot of people who start threads like this.

I think you are entitled to say you don't want a fat husband

His reason for eating badly and drinking is work related, he’s under immense pressure and it’s so intense he’s not able to look after himself. So I am not asking him to be the same as when we met, but I just can’t bear it if he gets morbidly obese. I just couldn’t bear it, not as my partner.

he is always saying the only good thing in his life is me and the kids. I have written it here, but I have never made him feel uncomfortable about his weight.

Not sure how old OP is, but her eating habits sound pretty normal for a woman in her 40s/50s+ who wants to keep her weight in check.

Telling someone they are fat, threatening them with divorce doesn't work. The person has to decide to want to live a healthy life style and lose weight. It doesn't come from other people or shaming.

Nope, not enough joy, I think. Too much "risotto delfrosto" and not enough tasty healthy food or a wife who wants to eat him

I don’t think you are being unreasonable tbh.. you’re not talking about divorce now but actually what I hear from your post is that him not taking care of himself is a major turn off for you, and you are frightened of the long term implications his bad habits and lack of self care will have on both your lives- maybe leaving you feeling isolated and doing things alone, which isn’t what you signed up for.

Have you said anything to him along those lines??
i think it’s important to approach this from a caring angle - why does he feel treating himself this way is acceptable (I wondered about depression?) and also what about the wasted cost of all these takeaways and your cooking efforts. Perhaps it would be a good starting point to bring up your FIL as his health issues and see how your DH responds to that - does he think it’s ok or is he also worried for example and see what his take on it is. If he is worried about his Dad and sees him suffering perhaps it would be a catalyst for change for your husband. If you do arrive at your worst fears, you dont have to justify leaving a marriage that makes you miserable. It is very hard to watch someone you care about struggle, especially if you feel they make choices that exaggerate their situation. Best of luck to you Xx

What is his job?
How can you help him with his stress levels?

Genius 😂

I don’t think OP has an unhealthy attitude to food, at all... Plenty of people watch their diet as they get older. I certainly don’t / can’t eat as much as I used to.

The DH is clearly using food / booze as a crutch. His attitude to food is indeed unhealthy. Eating ax a family would be ideal, but it’s not possible for many households.

Having read the rest of the thread, and your recently reply I really think you need to honestly look at your own thoughts and opinions on food. Poor chap. It must be like living at Fat Camp permanently. So much of your focus on food, meals, dietary intake.....it made me exhausted just reading it.

Why do you have to eat with the kids? Couldn't you have your yoghurt at 6 when the kids eat, and then both of you sit down to eat dust something tasty and reasonably healthy at 8pm that you BOTH like? If you eat later the sky won't fall in. The miniscule amount of difference it will make to your metabolism would be massively outweighed by the benefits to your husband. If you want to help and encourage your husband I think you'll have to compromise and let some stuff go.

Also another angle might be that actually he would be able to handle the grind he faces at work better if he was properly nourished and felt in better shape both physically and mentally. If he’s really already down in the dumps that might be too high a bar to aim for.. but it is true. All the chemicals in ultra processed food do affect the brain - there’s an excellent podcast series on this by BBC radio 4 featuring two brothers who are both Doctors, one very overweight and one not, who did a study and a podcast series on this topic and it was really informative. I can’t remember the name but if you do a bit of Googling you might be able to find it or I’m sure another MNer will know which I mean!!? x

His BMI is 34 and he is struggling to walk? really?!

As an eating disorder sufferer (who is currently very overweight) I can say that weight loss / gain isn’t that cut and dried for some of us. It sounds like your husband may have his own battle with food. I doubt you saying you will divorce him will encourage him to lose weight. It’s likely to drive the eating even further underground. That said, I at your life too and you definitely don’t have to stay around to deal with his issues. I know we say “in sickness and in health” but when push comes to shove…

Eating him might be a step too far don't you think 😉🤣

So I definitely wouldn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable as I know he already is. I am always telling him how handsome he is, and I do think he still looks great.

I also know he really doesn’t want to lose me, but if he gets as big as his dad I wouldn’t see it possible to continue. I watch his mum and wonder how they stayed together all that time and think I just couldn’t. So therefore, because I know I wouldn’t stay and because I know he really couldn’t bear the thought of loosing me I was wondering if I should tell him that by the way don’t get as big as your dad please. I remember an ex once saw a big woman walk past and just put it out there, if you ever get that big I would divorce you. I definitely didn’t like him saying that though. It’s something I am actually scared of though.

I don’t think it’s exactly the same as being in an accident, the difference is he’s making choices every day to cause that. He’s also not seeing how much he is actually eating so it might be a good idea to suggest to him to have a food diary. Maybe I will do that first.

Tbh takeaway is not that unhealthy at all compared to most of the British home made food lol
As a nation UK people are all struggling with weight especially in the winters. Rise of food prices didn't help either.
The weight issue is probably better approached by his healthcare provider. And OP you are right that it must comes from him, and only him.
Despite I completely agree that his life style would directly impact your quality of life as well, threatening to divorce is never going to work as a strategy. Even he did lose weight at the end somehow, he would probably leave you. Because you don't offer him the support he needed in stead you judged him.
I do 10+ hours of sport per week and follow a 16:8 intermittent diet and i still am struggling with the weight I put on since I moved to the U.K….it is just SO difficult to lose weight. Honestly in this dreadful forever dark and windy winter all you want to do is to drink and have all the carb available.
cutting down carb is a good step. You could also keep a diet diary and note down all the snacks he had and shew him that. If he gets plenty of protein in a formal meal, he would have less cravings for carb snacks as well.
As to the dinner time, i don't think eating at 8pm is an issue. The key is to lengthen the time in between each meal/snack. If he eats all the time he would be more prone to diabetes as well. Also any chance get him back to the gym?

I don’t consider myself to have an unhealthy attitude to food but I’m am always really hungry when I get home from work and if I don’t eat early (same time as OP 5/6pm) I end up snacking when I get home then eating again when I have dinner. If eating earlier stops her snacking I think it makes sense!
Regarding the husband, I think he probably feels scrutinised which isn’t nice and probably having the opposite effect than OP would like to achieve. Ultimately though, he’s an adult and can choose to eat how he likes, just as she can choose that it isn’t going to work for her if she ends up having to care for him due to his eating himself into disability!

Husbands BMI is 34.
i have no idea what weight FIL is or his BMI but he’s the one who’s struggling to walk because of it. I am scared husband will get the same in the future if he continues like this

Your advice is op shouldn't listen to your advice. Ok then.

I dont think you are being unreasonable in some ways, as I would feel the same about my partner putting on a lot of weight and also eating too many takeaways and the impact on their health - not just their weight

However I think you need to compromise and eat dinner with him in the evening. Maybe he doesn't want to eat healthy freezer food alone?

agreed!

YANBU
I don't blame you.
Personally, I would find someone being morbidly obese really off-putting.

You cook, he enjoys your cooking and you eat at different times. Doesn't sound miles apart. As the dc get older that will naturally change.
Have you tried cooking 'fakeaways'? You cook the healthy version and he enjoys his later.
I think bringing up divorce to a stressed spouse is pretty low if you have not tried to explore all the alternative options first.
A holiday sounds great. I would want to trim a few pounds too if I had one booked.