Friends with babies complaining they lost friends?

[morningglorystorye]

My friend had a baby back in June. I would text once a week to check on her and baby (baby was born premature).

I’ve messaged to meet up when baby was 4/5 months offered to meet up for coffee, at her, out, mine - basically where ever she felt most comfortable. She cancelled on the morning. She’s done this twice.

I’ve asked her about an event in six months time if she’d like to go. Again made it very clear that I understood it too far in advance then she doesn’t need to commit. She said she would double check and get back to me, and never did.

I get it. She’s busy. She’s adjusting. On the flip side I always hear parents complain their friends left them once they had a baby - but when you’re constantly being cancelled on and they continue to not get back to you then really how much effort is the friend suppose to keep putting in.

I also sent a gift and card which was neve acknowledgment.

So this particular friend has never complained about losing friends after she had a baby?

On the flip side I always hear parents complain their friends left them once they had a baby
So you hear people B,C,D complaining about something, and friend A cancelled coffee twice and couldn't commit to something 6 months in advance which you never reminded her about, and you want to conflate these two groups for... what? What is your AIBU? Women with responsibilities deserve to have no friends? Women without children should have some empathy? Based on a sample size of... one friend who has not complained about losing friends?
YABU.
I hope she has some nicer friends around to support her and who don't judge her as not good enough for not being able to make their summons invitations.

I think YABU because you can’t apply this situation to all parents. If your friend was now complaining she was losing you as a friend then I would say YANBU. But that’s not the case. I don’t see how this situation has anything to do with other parents who genuinely feel a bit isolated and have friends who don’t bother with them much anymore.

It’s a pretty well known thing that people complain about losing friends after having a baby.

From experiencing it on the other side. I don’t think it’s a fair assumption.

I can see why it would be frustrating to hear people complain when that's been your experience.

In other cases, mothers are frantic not to get a reputation for being flakey and annoying. They're as bothered as you.

I was excellent at friendships before I had kids. Like, it was my special skill - making and maintaining strong, rewarding friendships with other women. I was shit at lots of other stuff, and still am, but that was my thing. I may (embarrassingly) have once mentioned it in a job interview. What a twat. Anyway... Now I have kids, I think I am probably slightly better than other mums, but seriously off my pre-kid game. I mourn it. It's very sad and I hugely miss the time I had with brilliant women friends. I would have had NO CLUE of how kids would make this happen, before I had them. Not the slightest, itty bitty idea. I thought I was going to stop being able to swim every day and that would be the main sacrifice of having children. How very silly.

If it's a "pretty well known thing" then you can't declare it false on the basis of one person.

It’s a pretty well known thing that people complain about losing friends after having a baby.

From experiencing it on the other side. I don’t think it’s a fair assumption.

But those people are talking about their own experiences, they aren’t generalising like you are. And your friend hasn’t said anything of the sort. Your thought process makes no sense at all.

How have I declared anything false. I’m saying there’s two sides to everything.

Yes s parent could say they lost a friend but that friend could have also tried hard but eventually gave up.

It’s a pretty well known thing that people complain about losing friends after having a baby.

Is it?

How have I declared anything false.

You said, "I don't think it's a fair assumption."

So... like that 😆

I meant in the a way that a friend would just drop you purely because you had a baby.

I do believe new parents lose friends. I also think in some situations their friends probably just gave up.

Yes.

I’m in two minds with this AIBU.

I think you should give her a little bit of slack seeing as she has just become a mother. Your friend isn’t making comments that she’s lost friends since having a child, if you said she was posting on social media moaning that no one bothers with her anymore whilst she’s cancelling on you then I’d get your frustration. Perhaps it is a bit different but I’ve cancelled on friends and been a bit distant this year due to a miscarriage, now I’m pregnant again and been finding it tough so I’m still a bit distant. I guess when baby is here they’ll be a lot of adjustments and I can see your friends side.

I’d tell her you are free on X date or X date and to let you know if she fancies meeting up.

The reason I do not think you’re totally unreasonable is because I also do not think you should be the only one making the effort. Friendships change when kids are involved but I don’t agree with you always making the effort

I think it is great that you are making an effort to still support your friend but this is not the situation that people who complain of losing friends are taking about. Yes people often do stop making arrangements with a friend after they've had a baby for a variety of reasons

So you've heard of this scenario of people losing friends after they have a baby in the abstract and immediately pinned it on your friend who has had to cancel on you twice?

Have you had kids OP? Or had a prem baby or had a baby with additional needs? Because I'm nearly sure if you did your head wouldn't be so far up your own arse. Your friend is preoccupied with her baby, you're not a priority. You've just created this thread to make yourself feel better for dropping said friend if she cancels on you again. Probably better off without you tbh if this is what you have to say about her online.

You’re literally putting 2 and 2 together to make 5. I can’t blame your friend for cancelling - maybe after a sleep deprived night she just can’t face this type of makes no sense conversation, it’ll make her head dizzy.

'Have you had kids OP? Or had a prem baby or had a baby with additional needs? Because I'm nearly sure if you did your head wouldn't be so far up your own arse'

Oh please just spare us the martyrdom.

I hear you OP. It can feel like you have to do all of the running and all of the compromising, and that gets old. Yes, life has completely changed for your friend but you are allowed to have feelings about the situation too

*'Have you had kids OP? Or had a prem baby or had a baby with additional needs? Because I'm nearly sure if you did your head wouldn't be so far up your own arse'

Oh please just spare us the martyrdom.*

No martyrdom @Lottapianos - having a premature baby or a baby with additional needs can be more time consuming and overwhelming. Don't be shy, you can @ me in future if you'd like to address me.

YANBU.

I've been on both sides of this, in my 20's I lost friends who had babies/children young, I tried but I was always invited to baby group or soft play. I didn't enjoy the meet ups any more, they didn't have capacity to meet up without kids so we drifted apart. I was sad and maybe a bit bitter at the time.

Now I'm in my 30's, I kinda get it. I have made an effort with my friends, and try to get babysitters where possible so we can have a grown up meet ups as 1. I remember being childless and not being interested in soft play and 2. I want a grown up break.

Unfortunately I have had to step away from some friendships because my priorities have changed. I don't want to get a babysitter every weekend and go out because I want to spend time with my DD and husband together. I just don't have the capacity anymore to hold more than the closest friendships at the moment.

I don't complain that i lose friends though. I'm sad about it, but I think that's life.

Well I can't see the full text of the articles, but just from the snapshot, the articles aren't current and I don't think either of them are saying what you think they are.

I could screenshot plenty of MN posts about e.g. how often people shower/change their beds but it wouldn't make their view "a thing" or any less batshit

Maybe one day you will have a baby op.... then you might get it.

So baby was born in June premature (we don't know by how much which could have a big bearing on how able she is to get out and about even now) baby is now around 5/6months old and from your post you have only suggested meeting up with her in the last month or so and she's cancelled 2 catch ups? I think that's unreasonable on your behalf. Really text isn't a brilliant way to gauge how someone or their child is really doing. To be honest if I had a premature baby I'd remember the friends who landed at my door with dinners not expecting to come in/ advised me they were coming to do some housework or picked me up some groceries when they were doing their own shopping or asked me what practical things they could do to help me. That's much more useful to a new parent than a weekly text which in fairness could have actually added to her stress because I'm sure some weeks were harder than others to find the words for your questions no matter how close you are. I think it's difficult adapting to parenthood, its extremely busy and intense and sends your anxiety through the roof. So to assume she's pushing you away and doesn't want to be friends anymore is more about you than it is about her. You need to stick with her and be patient because she's in a phase that will end eventually. Will you still be there at the end of it is the question.

No, I don’t think it is. It’s pretty well known that people aren’t interested in having childless friends once they have a baby and drop them like a stone.