Friends with babies complaining they lost friends?

[morningglorystorye]

My friend had a baby back in June. I would text once a week to check on her and baby (baby was born premature).

I’ve messaged to meet up when baby was 4/5 months offered to meet up for coffee, at her, out, mine - basically where ever she felt most comfortable. She cancelled on the morning. She’s done this twice.

I’ve asked her about an event in six months time if she’d like to go. Again made it very clear that I understood it too far in advance then she doesn’t need to commit. She said she would double check and get back to me, and never did.

I get it. She’s busy. She’s adjusting. On the flip side I always hear parents complain their friends left them once they had a baby - but when you’re constantly being cancelled on and they continue to not get back to you then really how much effort is the friend suppose to keep putting in.

😂😂😂

Getting vexed because someone quoted you but didn’t @ you. Maybe get your head out of your arse.

You sound bitter and your sweeping statements are odd on a parenting site. Did you drop your childless friends when you had children? Or have you come here without children to disparage those of us who are parents with fake facts?

If it was pretty well known as something that just generally happens, you wouldn't have to insist on it. Everyone would know and could only agree. It's not as simple as that at all.

My experience, single and no kids, is that as soon as people get married they only want to do stuff with other couples, and as soon as they have children, they are only interested in doing stuff that centres on their kids. They might be happy to meet up with me IF I travelled to them AND I suggested a child-friendly day out, but not unless.

Not vexed. It's just a very passive aggressive Mumsnet thing to do - you can use part of someone's post to take issue with but don't actually quote or @ them because you don't want to deal with the response. Very, very childish - but sounds like you'd know about that OP.

I'm single and childfree and have younger friends who've had children. With space and time I'm grateful that they were able to pick up contact and connection again. One of them has a just two year old and we're going out for a meal tonight. She's expecting another baby in March and I'm sure that won't be the end of her friendship with me but I always wait for her to message rather than suggesting arrangements she might find difficult. I feel sorry for the OP though and some of the unpleasant responses she's received.

'It's just a very passive aggressive Mumsnet thing to do - you can use part of someone's post to take issue with but don't actually quote or @ them because you don't want to deal with the response'

Passive aggressive? 🤦🏻‍♂️ Dear oh dear. If anything it was lazy - I just couldn't be arsed to @ you!

I think what people miss is the loss of friendships come from being out of sync with most other people around your age. My thirties were very lonely because I was the only childless one and had to slot into friends’ lives as and when I could. But I know women who had babies in their twenties have also experienced feeling alone as their friends are just not understanding what it’s like.

@morningglorystorye to be brutally honest, did you expect any thing different to the response you've had on here?

Anything involving childfree people complaining about how a parent treats them is met with an onslaught of insults. We are immature, irresponsible, decadent and of course have no actual lives and responsibilities of our own.

We are expected to always be the one to travel, not text, only visit if we are willing to skivvy, because we are not a priority now and should know our place. And then disappear until we are wanted again be that 5 days, 5 weeks or 15 years, but hey, we have a shallow empty life so we should be happy to do that.

In the real world, most parents make an effort sometimes and childfree people also make an effort sometimes.

Some of us find that our efforts aren't returned, so we call time on that friendship.

I don't think there is an issue on stepping away from a friendship if this is the experience you have had.

I have stepped away from a friendship after doing all of what you said. Now I'm the one with young children, and the same hasn't been returned which just shows me how little she thought of me. I bet she hasn't even noticed I haven't text her this year.

From my experience, the baby is not the problem. It will (hopefully) be asleep & allow the adults to chat.

Problem arises when Mother has a toddler & allows it to interrupt & grab her attention to the detriment of the adult convo.

Sorry don't want to derail - I usually use the quote function because I find it easier to see the conversation history, but someone once shouted at me for @ ing her - she said it was rude!

It's so bizarre to me that such bitterness is floating around on this site. Who is this we of whom you speak? Its a bloody odd place to gather a tribe together based on grievances of this nature. It's also odd how keen you are to speak as if all the parents here can't hear you. If you want to speak to people in your situation there are a million sites where you can do so without excluding the majority in the room. Unless you want us to listen and learn, in which case speak directly as it's irritating.

@TeaCupLady I'm sorry for your experience. I hope you have other, nicer friends

I did ditch a large number of friends with young children when I was younger because I got fed up with their attitude towards me - that I was disposable and so,what lesser than them because I wasn't going to reproduce. This was at a time when I was trying to leave an abusive marriage - which they knew about. My fault for being needy at a very scary and vulnerable time of my life. I didn't even "need" them or demand things from them, they just seemed to assume and put me in my place/complain that I wasn't supporting them.

The friends I have now are those who stuck around and people who have adult children or no children. I've learned my lesson and don't even bother investing in friendships with parents of young children. I don't need to be made to feel like a lesser person, as I was all those years ago when I was on the verge of suicide.

Bad mother, allowing such a thing. I can see why your inept understanding of her permissive parenting might terminate a friendship. What would you like her to do, drop you like a stone or gag the toddler?

Unless you want us to listen and learn, in which case speak directly as it's irritating.

I have no interest in "wanting you to listen and learn". This is an anonymous website on which I am sharing my thoughts, opinions and experience, just like everyone else here 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sounded more directive to be honest.

OP I'd have been delighted to have had a friend like you but that wasn't my experience. Not once did anyone ask me if I wanted to meet up at any point after DS was born. He's 3 now.

Oh gosh, in my friendship group there's a huge mix, of couples, singles, those with and without children. We don't see eachother as parts of different tribes; we just all muck in together as we always did. It wouldn't occur to me to do otherwise. Am I unusual then?

She’s only cancelled twice, and she’s failed to respond to one text message. I really don’t think that’s much to complain about, given how her life has changed.

I think how well friendships survive after children depends to an extent on the nature of the friendship. If it is based on spending time or drinking or doing hobbies that couldn't easily be done with a baby, then it will suffer, not through internet but simply because parents don't have much free time but if spending time chatting, talking through problems, catching up etc. that shouldn't be impacted as much.
I wouldn't expect child free friends to come to a soft play unless I really didn't like them very much.

Sounded more directive to be honest.

Well that's not how it was meant, so apologies.

I lost friends after having kids. Going on maternity leave and then not returning to work leaves you out the loop whether you make the effort to keep in contact or not. I kept some friends that were older friends, rather than work friends, but the more kids I've had, my opportunities for meeting new people and doing things socially is low. Most of my friends now are really acquaintances from my kid's school. I've still got more longer term friends I speak to but it's not the same anymore.

@Abitlosttoday can totally relate to this! You’ve put it perfectly, I was the same and I too mourn my former self - and the friends who probably think I’m rubbish now :(

I get this is galling but we still have a long list of people we need to thank for new baby gifts for our July baby. He was premature and readmitted to sick kids pretty much as soon as we left neonatal and it is just so hard. She will be grateful but exhausted.

Saying that it's a bit rubbish she cancelled you twice.

My life-long friend & I both had it right.
"Mummy's talking to Auntie GP/Auntiebestfriend". Tell me later.

It worked. Taught them some manners.

You seem to be saying that "permissive parenting" encourages rudeness.