Friends with babies complaining they lost friends?

[morningglorystorye]

My friend had a baby back in June. I would text once a week to check on her and baby (baby was born premature).

I’ve messaged to meet up when baby was 4/5 months offered to meet up for coffee, at her, out, mine - basically where ever she felt most comfortable. She cancelled on the morning. She’s done this twice.

I’ve asked her about an event in six months time if she’d like to go. Again made it very clear that I understood it too far in advance then she doesn’t need to commit. She said she would double check and get back to me, and never did.

I get it. She’s busy. She’s adjusting. On the flip side I always hear parents complain their friends left them once they had a baby - but when you’re constantly being cancelled on and they continue to not get back to you then really how much effort is the friend suppose to keep putting in.

Sorry I meant late evening not morning. For the pedants.

I'm sorry this happened to you with regards to both your husband and so called friend. Having a baby is no excuse for treating someone like this. Finding time for social activities with a baby can be hard but when it comes to supporting a friend in need, I would make that a priority.

What @Abitlosttoday said. Every word. It's a bit depressing if I focus on it too much, but I try to remember that when they're teens and old that space for friendship will return. I miss it so much. I had no idea.

Sometimes I find the way people describe friendships on here really quite strange, so this post was a nice change that reflects what I see and experience in friendships.

If someone is my friend, I don't just "ditch" them when they're going through major life changes. A friend is someone I care about and want to be there for in hard times, not someone who I feel is duty bound to provide me with X amount of social occasions per annum.

Yes. This is not really a crime in the world of parents who understand that you don't necessarily get what you want to do as a parent. Not saying people without children are selfish but they assume not turning up is a choice because they don't realise their pal is living in a baby dictatorship. Other parents are more accustomed to delayed/no gratification and understand shit happens more.

YABU. I'm no longer friends with a group of people who I believed to be good friends, after they made zero effort with me after having DS. If they'd continued inviting me to things then I would've gone, and I still would've considered them friends.

“I get it”

😂😂😂😂😂

You don’t get it.

I haven't complained once about losing friends since having a baby, and I made an effort (after the first few months) to see people who didn't have children. However it was harder. I also didn't want to always drag my baby (now toddler) to sit in a pub, restaurant or cafe and for them to get grouchy - it just wasn't/isn't enjoyable.
I like to see these friends without my child so I can enjoy their company and catch up. Because I was EBF, this wasn't an option until they were about 7 months old. Other than close child free friends, most of them did not understand why baby was crying, felt awkward when I BF, didn't understand I couldn't constantly hold a conversation with them..... so yes I guess I made the decision to see them less often because I had a lot going on. But I didn't once complain if they decided to "let me go".

Not saying people without children are selfish but they assume not turning up is a choice because they don't realise their pal is living in a baby dictatorship.

Maybe I’m just lucky but I have great friends without kids who are very understanding of all this. People like the OP are just a bit immature in my opinion and have their heads stuck a bit too high up their own arses. You don’t need to have children in order to know that they take away flexibility. And you certainly don’t need to have had a premature baby to understand that being in that situation must be very stressful and add to that lack of flexibility. It’s not about knowing what it’s like to have kids or not, it’s simply about being very self involved. OP doesn’t sound like they’d be a good friend to anyone, parent or no parent. It’s all about what they gain from a friendship, while making out they are the ones doing all the giving.

From experience I think friends end up falling into four categories when you have kids (especially in the early days chaos and then when work + family are both intense).

1. The best best friends you still always chat to and see (maybe 2-3 people?). Not space for many of these guys.

1. The mum friends you desperately need on a practical play date/sanity level.

1. The friends you do love seeing but they're not a priority and never will be so you both silently accept you're fair weather friends and will hang out once in a blue moon (and text once in a blue moon). And neither is bothered. The friend without the kid gets it and the friend with the kid tries often unsuccessfully.

1. The friends you sadly don't see any reason to keep committing to. This isn't a conscious decision necessarily but your lives don't align now and neither of you have the energy to make yourselves align, and you fall out of love in the context of a new life. Sometimes this happens easily, other times it's painful. When painful it's often because one friend can't accept the other's new life and priorities/won't adapt and the friend with the kid can't adapt/doesn't want to.

It seems like perhaps you're falling into one of the latter two camps and you have to decide whether you're happy being fair weather, at least for a good five years. Maybe your friend is just really busy and I feel her (I'm at 100+ unread whatsapps and it stresses me the hell out) but even with that, I still always text my closest mates back quickly and make sure we hang out once a month or so.

Sorry if that seems a bit blunt - I just think having a kid is a colossal life shift and suddenly priorities become very clear. I've been at the receiving end of it too! You probably have to decide whether you're willing to suck it up or whether you focus on other friendships for a bit.

@Piseog and @Luellie - I'm glad it's not just me!

I think real friendship for me is defined by how you connect with each other, and knowing you're there if you do need each other, not necessarily how often you talk or meet up.

Mainly I am in awe of my mum friends though, two delinquent cats is quite enough responsibility for me 😂