Friends with babies complaining they lost friends?

[morningglorystorye]

My friend had a baby back in June. I would text once a week to check on her and baby (baby was born premature).

I’ve messaged to meet up when baby was 4/5 months offered to meet up for coffee, at her, out, mine - basically where ever she felt most comfortable. She cancelled on the morning. She’s done this twice.

I’ve asked her about an event in six months time if she’d like to go. Again made it very clear that I understood it too far in advance then she doesn’t need to commit. She said she would double check and get back to me, and never did.

I get it. She’s busy. She’s adjusting. On the flip side I always hear parents complain their friends left them once they had a baby - but when you’re constantly being cancelled on and they continue to not get back to you then really how much effort is the friend suppose to keep putting in.

Don’t you see how this is still sad for the mother? If she is struggling so much that she can’t make plans or stick to them? That’s still losing friends even if the friends aren’t being crap.

Same @Abitlosttoday @Thatiswild. I permanently apologise to friends for being crap and hope they remember that I was a good friend so give me the benefit of the doubt.

This is how it is with my closest friends. We have all mucked in and helped out at different times.

Don’t want to deal with the response? Who do you think you are 😂 stop embarrassing yourselves.

It’s a feature on MN. You clearly send too much time on here. Chill. Go touch grass.

I didn’t say it wasn’t.

It’s not nice the other way around either. Putting 100% effort in to get nothing back. No one should be treated like that.

You’re getting a kicking on here OP but as a new mum I get it.

Its not personal. Your life changes entirely, your knackered, your often worried, time poor, obsessed with ‘boring’ things like feeding, poo, sleep schedules.

You just have much less in common with some friends, and you don’t want to socialise in the evenings anymore. For some mums it can be scary even leaving the house in the early days. And personally my New Years resolution is to not commit myself to anything too far in advance anymore. I do make the effort to keep in touch, ask about their lives, meet when I can but it’s not the priority it once was. Sad, harsh maybe, but it’s the truth.

Yes, that might mean that some friendships slide. Hopefully in time, if the friendship is meant to be they’ll come back around.

I wouldn’t moan about it though, it is what it is.

Your situation is not representative to f everyone's situation. Also, you can't be mad at her for not getting back to you about an event 6 months away when you said you know it's too far in advance to know yet, she will tell you when she knows, and definitely don't give any more gifts if it's on the basis you want some fanfare for it, she's probably elbow deep in all sorts and exhausted. Good friends give a bit of grace when their friends got a lot going on. I can see why she cancels, you sound exhausting. Is she actually definitely ok? She may well be really struggling and not feel like she can tell you and that's why she's cancelling, not everything is as it seems you know.

Lots of my friends had kids first. They wanted to see me more than they were able to unless I travelled to them. Reason being its easier to entertain a small child in their own home with their own toys than in my home or out and about with no toys. Most of them only had limited childcare so child friendly trips out were essential for them being able to get out. And I understood that's the phase of life they're in right now and was flexible with them. That's why we're still close friends and others drifted because like you they didn't understand why they had to travel to them and why it had to be a child friendly day out. Now I'm pregnant and I feel really lucky that I have mum friends who get it and will now return the favour. Because my child free friends... haven't heard a peep from them the last 8 months unless it's been something to do with them that was difficult/uncomfortable for me to attend.

Keep going OP - I think it's beginning to become obvious why friend is dodging your meet ups.

You came here for opinions, if you don't like them that's a you-problem.

YANBU, and I think you’re getting some unfair grief over this on here.

Obviously new parents take time to adjust. All parents have less time to do stuff with friends. But you’ve offered multiple different ideas of ways to meet up to fit in with your friend and just been snubbed.

She probably doesn’t realise that she’s being like this but as you say, it could come to it that you stop bothering then in a few months/years she’ll wonder where everyone went.

It’s hard from both sides. You could maybe ask her to (horror) soft play where her little one can be occupied and you can both catch up amongst the din that is a warehouse full of screaming kids.

Just keep trying is all I can advise, if you want to that is. Is her friendship worth the effort? Would you be bothered if you never saw her again? It’s rough with a new baby and can be very easy to end up with your head up your own arse in the sand when people are trying to reach out to you.

You clearly don't get it, though. I didn't before I had kids. That's fine, but it sounds to me like you gave up on your mate because she cancelled twice and couldn't commit to some spurious event you had lined up for 6 months' time.

I've still got my good friends from pre-baby days, despite them not having children of their own; but that's mostly because they understand that we've all got shit going on that impacts our social lives, and having a baby is as big a torpedo as you can get.

It sounds as if she has a lot on her plate with the new baby, and perhaps isn't managing other aspects of her life as well as she could. Maybe try to adjust to it and change your expectations of her. I wouldn't bother trying to 'book' her for 6 months time - it doesn't sound like that's the sort of arrangement that will suit. And it's not the end of the world if a coffee is cancelled - she's still your friend.

I see where you're coming from OP, if she's a good friend she could open up and be honest with you rather than cancel last minute or not reply to you- your time doesn't become less important because you don't have a child. On the flip side she won't be available as she once was, but it sounds like you're flexible and haven't been assuming things will just continue on the same as always though. I do agree the people I know in real life who moan about it are the ones who incessantly talk about their child, only invite people to stuff like soft play or use it as an excuse to treat people like crap.

‘It’s a pretty well known thing that people complain about losing friends after having a baby.

From experiencing it on the other side. I don’t think it’s a fair assumption.’

@morningglorystorye I think your BU.
Many women do lose friends because they can’t be as available as they were before kids.

Its not like friends ditch their mum friends instantly, it’s usually after a few rejected invites, a few last minute cancellations, mum friend seems distant as not responding to texts often etc.

Your friend is busy and has declined a few invites. Already this seems to be pissing you off, so potentially she will lose you, unless you adapt to the new dynamic of friendship with this friend.

YANBU and people are being unfair here.

I have two small kids and yes it’s hard and tiring and life changes but I’ve always replied to friends messages, thanked them for gifts, tried to meet up when possible and treated them well. I have met plenty of mums at groups who have said they only hang out with other mums now because their child free friends ‘don’t get it’ and while I understand that perspective to an extent it’s sad as unfair on the child free friends.

I would just back off and invite her to any group stuff you’d have invited her to before. She might come out the baby black hole and you can pick up where you left off or she might have thrown herself into 100% mum life and to an extent you might have to let her go. It’s not your fault though.

You do realise every scenario is different right?
You are essentially putting words into your 'friends' mouth

As well as that but it's reasons exactly like this why some mothers lose friends. Because you are making extremely false assumptions about her and rather than actually asking if she needs HELP and not just a meet up you are deciding she's losing a friend/pushing them away

You are being totally unreasonable

That's so sad to hear. As I said in a PP I do try to arrange for babysitters when meeting with any of my friends outside the "toddler mum" circle. It's no bloody fun being around kids when you don't have kids in that age group yourself. I've been there pre kids. It amazes me how many mums quickly forget that.

Honestly? I'm childfree and give my friends till each child's 3rd birthday as a grace period where I am around for them but if they don't reply or are flaky or cancel or whatever, I don't take it as a personal slight. I am nearly the oldest of close to 30 first cousins and I think those first few years look like bloody hard work!

Most of my friends have been brilliant even once they've had babies, but all of them, even the ones that fell off the radar entirely after giving birth, have returned to their usual friendship pattern and we've picked up our friendship properly once kids are out of the baby/early toddler stages. I don't think it's a massive ask and it means I don't get stressed or upset about it.

I fell off the radar in a similar way when my dad passed away and am also a bit crap at replying now because it's silly season for two of my businesses. My friends message every now and again and know I will surface in January, and that in an emergency I will drop everything to help, as they would for me. I think being a friend means understanding when life is just too much to even reply.

Oh and yes I have a lovely friendship group now thank you 😃. 2 of my closest friends are child free and they are ace.

(with caveat this is not an excuse for friends to act like twats, obviously!!)

That’s a nice post, and also reflects my experience — I think I barely replied to occasional text messages from my best friend for a year and I never answered when she phoned after I had DS — I was in a pretty bad way. She waited for me to come out of it. Likewise with other friends, not always for baby reasons, but divorces, bereavements, anorexia etc — good friendships are worth waiting around for and allowing space to. They’ve all endured.

I was very clear before my children were born that I intended to carry on with a social life etc, that I'd try to juggle children with the rest of life etc, but I didn't get a chance.

Friday evening drinks with my friends, for example - the invites stopped because they presumed (wrongly) that I wouldn't come.

I'd find out that my friends were going out to places and didn't invite me, even though they would before etc.

I'd try to make plans with other friends with babies/young children, but often they feel through as they'd be so flakey.

Other friends I lost because we made different parenting decisions (one ghosted me after it came up in conversation that I was planning to FF for example).

My very long term and not so local friendships survived. Those from round the corner etc, not so much.

Things have picked up a bit now the correct were older, but I felt very excluded by some of my friends for a long time. I was very ready to socialise very quickly - I thew a party for my eldest 2.5w after birth, went out for a night out with friends at 3w etc. It was as if people thought they should give me space even though I made it clear that I didn't want or need it.

I've not met anyone who has admitted to this, and that's so sad. I would have been gutted to be cut as a friend pre-kids for "not getting it."

There is so much more to talk about in this world than kids. Even a phone call after bedtime is a low maintenance way to keep in contact. I love keeping in touch with my child free friends.

How premature was the baby same do they have any health problems? You say you waited until 4-5 months to suggest meeting but if born in June, the baby is only 4-5 months now so doesn't sound like you have given it very long before getting upset that she is not willing to meet you.
Having a premature baby is quite a traumatic thing regardless of how premature and it can cause a lot of worry particularly at this time of year when viruses such as flu and RSV are at their worst. It may be that she wanted to meet you but panicked on the day.

*I've not met anyone who has admitted to this, and that's so sad. I would have been gutted to be cut as a friend pre-kids for "not getting it."

There is so much more to talk about in this world than kids. Even a phone call after bedtime is a low maintenance way to keep in contact. I love keeping in touch with my child free friends.*

It is sad, but unfortunately happens in many cases and as the recipient of that treatment during what was an incredibly difficult period of my own life - it hurts like hell.

An example, the morning after my then husband nearly strangled me for "losing" one of his notepads (I'd moved it to a sideboard) and where I was very close to losing consciousness, I reached out to some friends by text to just tell them what had happened and why they might hear about the police and ambulance being at my house.

One had a 6 month old child who I hadn't met because life and work and an avusive husband got in the way. I barely remembered texting her to be honest, but I was in hospital and needed to reach out. Anyway her response was to firstly berate me for waking her up at 11pm. Then she went on about how I wouldn't understand how important sleep was because I didn't have kids. How selfish it was of me to text her because she didn't have time to worry about me as she had a baby and not bother texting her until I was ready to see her on her terms (I am paraphrasing).

I wasn't sleeping at that time because the month before my then husband had started to kick and slap me awake every time I fell asleep. I still don't sleep well nearly 15 years on from that.

So 🤷🏻‍♀️