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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partners birthday -I’m so hurt

120 replies

bagpuss90 · 15/11/2022 14:29

I know some of my posts are a bit controversial-but I’m feeling quite heartbroken -so please be kind.
It was my DPs birthday yesterday . He’d decided he wanted to visit his old home town for a bit of nostalgia . I tore ligaments in my knee a couple of weeks ago -still painful. I’d hoped we could still go but i could only hobble about yesterday and just wasn’t up to it .I’m Self-Employed and I’d booked the day off . I suggested I also book a day out in a couple of weeks time when we could go to his home town together -after all it’s not going anywhere . I offered to take him out locally for a meal -anywhere he wanted to go -somewhere really nice or do something else .I’d bought a card, pressies -I felt really guilty but I still wanted him to have a nice day. Anyway he basically went on his nostalgia trip on his own -I didn’t see him yesterday .I suggested we had a meal in the evening but he didn’t want to “clock watch” I’m hurt that he didn’t want to spend the day with me -but walk about on his own . If we’d booked something Id get that -but we hadn’t. I get it’s not about me -it was his birthday . Pressies and card are sat there . I couldn’t help not being up to it . I’m just upset that he’d rather spend the day on his own. I might add things haven’t been great lately but we’d both agreed to make the effort . I’m bloody gutted 😢

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 15/11/2022 16:20

Ittakestwo, I see nothing wrong in reflecting on your past or in liking to do things alone. No doubt he had a full day in mind and sometimes it is easier to nip around on your own. It wouldn't bother me. The op may have found it a bit boring but we'll never know.

It's not a good idea to read too much into it. As long as things are fine between them from now on, why worry.

phoenixrosehere · 15/11/2022 16:23

Yabu.

I’m sorry that you’re in pain and that your plans were ruined, BUT the day wasn’t about you, it was about your DP. You are injured and the day would have been more about taking care of you and checking to make sure you’re ok instead of your DP.

Your DP should be allowed to do what he likes on his own birthday. It’s the one day that a person should be able to do something they would like without people making it about themselves and what they think the person should want to do or
wanting to be included when you don’t need to be. Many threads like this tend to be about people who expect others to celebrate the way they would want to for their birthday and not being happy with the fact that others don’t want that or don’t want to change their plans and take it as an offence against them when it’s not. Often there is a reason people celebrate their birthdays in a certain way and that should be respected.

Also, why would he have to open his card and gift before he left? Why not just when he returned?

Ofcourseshecan · 15/11/2022 16:25

I'd have been hurt and disappointed too, OP. I hope your knee is getting better now.

Pipsquiggle · 15/11/2022 16:26

Do you get your self-worth by the actions of other people?
I think you are overthinking this TBH

Nellynoo182 · 15/11/2022 16:26

Update - we introduced a bottle with my expressed breast milk yesterday afternoon and by this morning he had gained 60grams - the most he’s ever gained and almost back to his birth weight after 3 weeks!

SavingKitten · 15/11/2022 16:31

Nellynoo182 · 15/11/2022 16:26

Update - we introduced a bottle with my expressed breast milk yesterday afternoon and by this morning he had gained 60grams - the most he’s ever gained and almost back to his birth weight after 3 weeks!

Think you may be on the wrong thread @Nellynoo182

3ShotsOfEspresso · 15/11/2022 16:31

Nellynoo182 · 15/11/2022 16:26

Update - we introduced a bottle with my expressed breast milk yesterday afternoon and by this morning he had gained 60grams - the most he’s ever gained and almost back to his birth weight after 3 weeks!

As accidental wrong thread posts go, this was a good one. And YAY - well done!

myrtlesstrawhat · 15/11/2022 16:33

SavingsThreads · 15/11/2022 15:54

How ironic!

Show quote history

Indeed!

CousinKrispy · 15/11/2022 16:36

Sometimes it's really fun to go and have an nostalgic ramble on your own. At least he didn't go and have a day out on his own for YOUR birthday ;-)

However, if it's bothering you so much, it sounds like either the relationship isn't going well overall, or you're having a problem with your own mental wellbeing and can't keep small events in perspective. Do you have access to counseling through your employer?

3ShotsOfEspresso · 15/11/2022 16:38

SavingsThreads · 15/11/2022 15:54

How ironic!

Show quote history

Right?! 😂

Original poster
bagpuss90 · 15/11/2022 16:38

I do like a moan on here. It’s anonymous and I can vent.I honestly don’t think anyone who knows me would say I was a moaner -honest ! I do find some responses a bit hurtful -but hey I shouldn’t post if I can’t take the rough with the smooth
I do see it was my DPs day not mine but as we are meant to be making the effort I’m just hurt that’s all.

OP posts:
Floweryflora · 15/11/2022 16:40

You are hurt by the responses on here too?

Gumreduction · 15/11/2022 16:42

bagpuss90 · 15/11/2022 16:38

I do like a moan on here. It’s anonymous and I can vent.I honestly don’t think anyone who knows me would say I was a moaner -honest ! I do find some responses a bit hurtful -but hey I shouldn’t post if I can’t take the rough with the smooth
I do see it was my DPs day not mine but as we are meant to be making the effort I’m just hurt that’s all.

Because you save all your moaning for your numerous mumsnet threads about them

Gumreduction · 15/11/2022 16:43

Your are now going to start a thread about being hurt by response to this thread 😂

ittakes2 · 15/11/2022 16:43

LBFseBrom · 15/11/2022 16:20

Ittakestwo, I see nothing wrong in reflecting on your past or in liking to do things alone. No doubt he had a full day in mind and sometimes it is easier to nip around on your own. It wouldn't bother me. The op may have found it a bit boring but we'll never know.

It's not a good idea to read too much into it. As long as things are fine between them from now on, why worry.

Ironically you are reading to much into my post - I agree nothing wrong with reflecting on his past. I said she could have made the effort to go and just not walk around.

Gumreduction · 15/11/2022 16:44

it just be hellish to feel constantly hurt and : or pissed off by various people in your life OP

Original poster
bagpuss90 · 15/11/2022 16:44

Also my small business is struggling and a day off has quite an impact

OP posts:
Floweryflora · 15/11/2022 16:45

bagpuss90 · 15/11/2022 16:44

Also my small business is struggling and a day off has quite an impact

But as you’re making an effort to be a nice partner and understanding it’s not about you and what you want as it wasn’t your birthday and you knew he wished to spend the day in his home town then you could just have worked right?

Newlifestartingatlast · 15/11/2022 16:46

OrigamiOwls · 15/11/2022 14:42

It does sound that he's not overly invested in the relationship any more.

It may just be that he is an introvert.
maybe he loved his day , on his own, for once without having to make conversation, take someone else’s feelings into account .
I used to run away on my birthday every year - it was my treat to myself to have a whole day by myself doing whatever I wanted. A really precious treat
i was grateful I had a husband who understood this about me, and was happy to let me have that day on my own.
unfortunately as kids got old enough to reconginise it was my birthday I’d have to get home to share my birthday with them, including making my own cake🙄. Yes, it was a bind to have to plan to be back home by 4pm or whatever.
im retired now, kids long left home and am happily back to spending the day by myself. Kids in me well enough to text happy birthday on my birthday, and then call me to talk next day to ask how my day went.

Beautiful3 · 15/11/2022 16:48

It was his birthday, not yours. He did nothing wrong. Go out together, when you're better.

mydogisthebest · 15/11/2022 17:02

I would not be happy at all if my DH wanted to spend his birthday on his own. Why could he not have agreed to a nice lunch out with you and do his nostalgia trip another time?

Thankfully me and DH both like to spend our birthdays together and, despite our ages, think birthdays are important

Newmum0322 · 15/11/2022 17:02

Context is important here. If you’re getting the impression that he’s mentally ‘checking out’ of the relationship, is distant and his behaviour (wide of this) has been off recently, then YANBU. This would suggest he did it because he didn’t care for your company and was happy to go without you.

On the other hand, if everything is ok in the relationship and this area means a lot to him for whatever reason then YABU. It’s his day, it’s only one day and in the scheme of things probably not a big deal. Maybe he didn’t even know how you feel.

So… difficult to say!

PearlclutchersInc · 15/11/2022 17:05

Not sure what the big deal is, a birthday is just another day really? Was it a "big" one?

He could have waited to do it with you or at least arranged to eat with you.

Hope things get better.

Harrysnippleno3 · 15/11/2022 17:29

I suggested I also book a day out in a couple of weeks time when we could go to his home town together -after all it’s not going anywhere . I offered to take him out locally for a meal -anywhere he wanted to go -somewhere really nice or do something else .I’d bought a card, pressies -

It seems very much about you. You suggesting, you offering - what about him? He had a planned trip.

I felt really guilty but I still wanted him to have a nice day.

It not so much that he spent it doing what he planned?

If I was unable to go I would have said to DH to go anyway, as I don't get hurt by him doing things when I can't. If it was him unable to go he would have told me to go anyway, as he also doesn't get hurt by my doing things.

Are you usually do dependant?

ReadtheReviews · 15/11/2022 17:34

I love my family but every year, what I ask for on my birthday is alone time, whether it's just an afternoon at the cinema or a spa hotel stay overnight. I like to just sort of take stock, remember who I am as an individual and just have quiet relaxing time. We do cake and cards when I get back. Maybe he just wanted to check in with his former self a bit, after all it's quite hard having someone else there when you're deep in thought, reliving things, feeling nostalgic.