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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partners birthday -I’m so hurt

120 replies

bagpuss90 · 15/11/2022 14:29

I know some of my posts are a bit controversial-but I’m feeling quite heartbroken -so please be kind.
It was my DPs birthday yesterday . He’d decided he wanted to visit his old home town for a bit of nostalgia . I tore ligaments in my knee a couple of weeks ago -still painful. I’d hoped we could still go but i could only hobble about yesterday and just wasn’t up to it .I’m Self-Employed and I’d booked the day off . I suggested I also book a day out in a couple of weeks time when we could go to his home town together -after all it’s not going anywhere . I offered to take him out locally for a meal -anywhere he wanted to go -somewhere really nice or do something else .I’d bought a card, pressies -I felt really guilty but I still wanted him to have a nice day. Anyway he basically went on his nostalgia trip on his own -I didn’t see him yesterday .I suggested we had a meal in the evening but he didn’t want to “clock watch” I’m hurt that he didn’t want to spend the day with me -but walk about on his own . If we’d booked something Id get that -but we hadn’t. I get it’s not about me -it was his birthday . Pressies and card are sat there . I couldn’t help not being up to it . I’m just upset that he’d rather spend the day on his own. I might add things haven’t been great lately but we’d both agreed to make the effort . I’m bloody gutted 😢

OP posts:

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 15/11/2022 15:21

FWIW looking through your past threads, you come across as someone who wants to be treated well, and who doesn't feel like your partner or his family do that. Is that right?

My advice would be not to stay in a relationship that's so clearly making you miserable over a long period of time and find someone who treats you the way you need to be treated. A man who says no to your SIL's ridiculous controlling behaviour and doesn't mess around with his exes or let them push you around, and who actually wants to spend time with you when you've taken the day off. Because yes, he can spend his birthday however he wants, but it's not a great sign that he doesn't want to spend it with you.

Maybe it's time to call it a day and find happiness.

fannyfartlet · 15/11/2022 15:22

I couldn't get worked up about this. It's one day and he had made plans with you and you couldn't go. As you said, it's not all about you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/11/2022 15:23

I'd be fine with him taking his trip, less fine with him ignoring card and presents. However, if you've guilt-tripped him that would make more sense.

As PP says, is your glass constantly half-empty? Do you see the lack in there rather than the good? That's the recipe for a miserable life.

Gumreduction · 15/11/2022 15:24

manetsmuse · 15/11/2022 15:18

I dumped someone shortly after he told me he wanted to spend his birthday with some of his friends, without me. He couldn’t believe it but I didn’t want to be in a relationship where my partner wasn’t considering my feelings. Your DP is either a complete narcissist (mine was) or not that committed to you.

My logic for dumping wouldn’t be that he hadn’t considered my feelings

It would be that clearly he didn’t like/fancy/love me about to want to spend his birthday with me

Propagandalf · 15/11/2022 15:27

bagpuss90 · 15/11/2022 14:55

Gumreduction
No I’m very lucky. I have a wonderful family , good friends and a lot to be thankful for

Yet you tar them all with the same brush? You sound delightful.

crackersforcrackers · 15/11/2022 15:31

I get why you're hurt but I find when I yearn for a nostalgia trip to my old hometown or the coastal town we went to every year I like to do it on my own, that way I can linger, be emotional and not have to consider someone else's mood etc.

Ilovechocolate87 · 15/11/2022 15:32

Quite suprised about the responses to this thread tbh...I would be upset too if my partner wanted to spend his birthday away from me (especially if we had planned something together in the first place, but that i could no longer do through no fault of my own, and could easily do again at a later date)
People seem to want to live such separate lives nowadays, but it's okay to want and need each other...its not always a bad thing unless done to extremes.What about when you are elderly and could potentially have various health problems...will he just bugger off regularly by himself for whole days and leave you bored and lonely at home then?!
I think it would be more understandable if he had been gone for afew hours, but not the whole day! At the expense of some time enjoying any time together at home with you.
The fact that he couldn't even be bothered to open your present with you before going either is pretty unkind and ungrateful... I would be really hurt by that.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 15/11/2022 15:33

I'm sorry about your knee, sounds very painful.

Do you think that there's a possibility that your partner just wanted to do this on his own? I ask as I keep saying that I'll return to my hometown but never have - my husband keeps saying we should do it but, I don't want company for that, for some reason. Could that be it?

You say that things haven't been great lately. Could it be that he just wanted a bit of time and space and having booked his birthday off, decided that he'd take that? Some people are not sentimental about birthdays and really don't care about fuss. Some people do make huge efforts and enjoy the same.

I don't think he needs to explain why he wanted to spend the day alone, people do need space from each other sometimes - but you could certainly, as PP suggests, say that you missed him, hope he had a nice visit - and maybe you could do it together sometime as you'd like to see his hometown also?

Hope your knee is better soon - and that you have some good meds in the meantime.

knittingaddict · 15/11/2022 15:33

bagpuss90 · 15/11/2022 14:55

Gumreduction
No I’m very lucky. I have a wonderful family , good friends and a lot to be thankful for

I think that gumreduction has a point actually. You do have a lot of threads complaining about friends, family and your dp. It's not the first time that you've posted about your partner and communication issues. There appears to be a pattern forming.

SleeplessInEngland · 15/11/2022 15:36

manetsmuse · 15/11/2022 15:18

If you peruse the OP's other threads you'll see she react terribly to even the tiniest things from everyone in her life. Don't think we can blame the partner here.

Milesty1 · 15/11/2022 15:38

Would he/you have driven there? If he was really set on going perhaps you could have gone along for the ride and sat in a cafe while he had a wander, then had lunch. I don’t understand the ‘not being up to it’ part, which is maybe why he decided to go and do it on his own? Not trying to blame you just saying how I might feel. If not driving and you had to walk a lot to get there then totally understandable.

Loachworks · 15/11/2022 15:40

I thought your friends and family (who are now apparently wonderful) were the target of most of your complaints? The more you post, the more it seems like it's you.

PotentiallyPolly · 15/11/2022 15:44

Completely understand why you’re hurt and upset, I would be too. But sometimes we need to put what would make others happy first, he must have been really looking forward to it and I understand not wanting to clock watch too because it’d not just have been a case of going out for a meal, there’s the whole getting ready aspect of it beforehand too.

but YANBU to be hurt and upset 💐

Gumreduction · 15/11/2022 15:45

Op won’t be back

but next week will be another thread started by the Op about a friend / family member / DP… doing her wrong in some way or another

girlmom21 · 15/11/2022 15:46

I'd carry on my birthday plans on my own and I'd be annoyed if my DP wanted me to change my plans on my birthday because he couldn't come.

ladydimitrescu · 15/11/2022 15:48

girlmom21 · 15/11/2022 15:46

I'd carry on my birthday plans on my own and I'd be annoyed if my DP wanted me to change my plans on my birthday because he couldn't come.

This. You can't help being unwell, but you shouldn't expect him to change his plans to accommodate you. It's his birthday, his day, not yours.

speakout · 15/11/2022 15:50

I enjoy spending my birthday alone.

Too many years spend going to a restarant that is sualually a compromise, pretending to love gifts you don't like.
In our family everyone gets to do as they wish on their birthday- no comprimise.
Of course I will attend meals or get togethers for other people's birthday, but for my own it is usually a yoga class, massage in the afternoon, have a look around some shops.
PJs on early and curl up with a movie or a book.

Floweryflora · 15/11/2022 15:51

It does read that you understand his birthday is not all about you and what you want, but that really you don’t and don’t accept it and are now very hurt that in fact his birthday was not all about you and what you wanted.

SavingsThreads · 15/11/2022 15:54

manetsmuse · 15/11/2022 15:18

How ironic!

Azerothi · 15/11/2022 15:55

You sound way overinvested in this current boyfriend, far more than he is with you.

I haven't looked up all your posts but do you and your boyfriend even live together?

RNLD1981 · 15/11/2022 15:56

SavingsThreads · 15/11/2022 15:54

How ironic!

Show quote history

Exactly!

Floweryflora · 15/11/2022 16:06

Dumbfounded by those who think that this man shouldn’t have been able to do what he wanted on his Birthdsy but do what the op wanted. Wtaf.

SleeplessInEngland · 15/11/2022 16:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

rosemarycait96 · 15/11/2022 16:08

I have gone out shopping on my own for the past 3 years on my birthday, or travelled to my mum's to spend time with her for a few days. Been with my husband 8 years, and although we always make sure to do something together, we don't begrudge each other a little alone time on our birthdays. We're both very introverted and love our alone time.

Sounds like you need some better self-soothing techniques and to work on yourself a bit - if what other posters are saying is true and you have a lot of threads where you're upset about perceived slights from friends/DP/family.

You're not unreasonable for simply having feelings and being upset. But you are unreasonable for putting up with people and things that clearly make you unhappy, and doing nothing to change it.

ittakes2 · 15/11/2022 16:09

I tore knee cartilage and I get knees can be painful - but I don’t see why you had to cancel. You could have just driven around - gone for lunch? It seems he is reflecting on his past. Also I am guessing it’s a bit of a drive to his town - but considering he didn’t care about having dinner with you then I would say sorry that does speak volumes about your relationship.

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