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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I change my sons name to please my MIL?

459 replies

97DS · 15/11/2022 04:57

Ever since we found out baby was going to be a boy DH and I have had his name chosen. MIL has made subtle digs throughout pregnancy at how she’s not a fan of the name, and if we’ve considered anything else. I just dodge the question and ignore it because I don’t have the energy to argue with her. She can be very opinionated and very stubborn.
baby is now a week old, and not officially registered yet but we have announced his full name to friends/family/social media.
MIL has gone out of her way at every opportunity to make a comment on his name. Even after a traumatic birth which landed me in theatre with major haemorrhaging, her first text to DH was asking what baby’s name is going to be.

She’s been talking to family behind our back saying how disappointed she is, as well as pulling DH aside to privately ask if we would change the name. MIL is purposely avoiding saying his name, and has opted to calling him Jnr instead… That’s just the issue with his 1st name. Keep reading…

she also has a massive issue with his middle name too. DH has 2 middle names (X & Y) and when we chose baby’s name, we decided to use middle name Y so it followed the family tree as a tribute to the dads (Y runs quite far back in the male side of the family tree) and also, Y is my fathers middle name too so it seemed very sentimental to us all.
We’ve had a lot of compliments on his name from DH’s side of the family because we chose middle name Y. But MIL has kicked off BIG TIME. Pulling out crocodile tears and directly asking DH to change the middle name to something that tributes MIL’s family instead.
However, there’s only 2 male names to pick from if we were to consider it, and both names are awful, I genuinely don’t like them, and they don’t even go with baby boys 1st name, and would make the surname seem like a mouthful if you were to say it out loud.
My argument is, it’s not her baby so it’s not her business what his name is. She had the opportunity 30 years ago to tribute her family and that’s why DH’s middle name is X. But baby’s name isn’t meant to be a tribute to her family, it’s a tribute to DH’s family, as well as my own.

Yes we could just keep the peace and add a 2nd middle name that she wants, but I don’t want that. As his mother, I should be the one who has final say and I don’t want him to have 2 middle names, and I certainly don’t want to change his name under the pressure and influence of MIL. DH has agreed with me throughout pregnancy what his name is, but now MIL is getting into his head and playing a guilt card, DH is now having 2nd thoughts because he doesn’t like to upset MIL. I know it’s not what he wants either but his MIL is so good at minipulating everything to get her own way. She puts words into DH’s mouth and convinces him they’re his own. So now DH and I argue over this.
what’s your thoughts? AIBU to stick my guns and keep my sons name how it is, or should I reason with MIL, and change the name just to keep her happy?

OP posts:
CatherinedeBourgh · 15/11/2022 08:12

My agreement when choosing names with dh was that we could both propose whatever, but each of us had a right to veto any name without having to give an explanation, and that once a name was vetoed that was the end of that.

Any name that felt wrong to either of us for whatever reason was therefore out of the picture.

I suggest you apply the same rule. And use your veto.

ghostsandpumpkinsalready · 15/11/2022 08:14

Absolutely not

GoonerGirl5231 · 15/11/2022 08:18

Do not change the name or add the other middle name. Tell your DH that his mum's nitpicking is souring your experience as a new mum and it has to stop or it's going to ruin it completely. Reiterate she had her chance at naming, now it's your turn. Make him realise that if you give into this, she'll think she can decide everything going forward. Doesn't like the nursery/school your DS is going to? She'll stick her oar in.

But this is down to your DH. He has got to tell her back off and mean it.

slowquickstep · 15/11/2022 08:19

Congratulations, hope you are recovering well. Please don't change your Son's name, you will never be happy with the new name. As for you MIL, ignore her bullying.

MichelleScarn · 15/11/2022 08:21

Herejustforthisone · 15/11/2022 05:19

Well, she sounds fucking horrible.

And that's it in one correct sentence!!

SirMingeALot · 15/11/2022 08:22

97DS · 15/11/2022 05:10

She’s just not a fan of the spelling, or pronunciation. It’s a Welsh name, because DH is Welsh, but she’s not Welsh and since divorcing DH’s Welsh father may years ago she has taken a dislike to anything that associates, including a Welsh name.

Ok, I had a bit more sympathy with her until the bigotry part.

Ireallycantthinkofagoodone · 15/11/2022 08:23

I absolutely agree that you should not give in to your MIL, but one thing you said seemed quite odd. You stated that it was to honour your DH’s family, not your MIL’s family. Your DH has 2 parents, so I can understand that she might feel a bit left out if you don’t consider the maternal side as much as the paternal one.

She still doesn’t get a say in your name choices though!!

FlamingoQueen · 15/11/2022 08:24

Your DH needs to support you in this or he can go and live with his darling mother! Do not change your baby’s name, you will end up regretting it for ever.

congratulations on your newborn

Shinyandnew1 · 15/11/2022 08:24

GoonerGirl5231 · 15/11/2022 08:18

Do not change the name or add the other middle name. Tell your DH that his mum's nitpicking is souring your experience as a new mum and it has to stop or it's going to ruin it completely. Reiterate she had her chance at naming, now it's your turn. Make him realise that if you give into this, she'll think she can decide everything going forward. Doesn't like the nursery/school your DS is going to? She'll stick her oar in.

But this is down to your DH. He has got to tell her back off and mean it.

All of this!

OrigamiOwls · 15/11/2022 08:24

The person who gets final say in naming the baby is the person who gives birth to the baby.
Other people may have opinions but that is all they are.
If you bend to MIL's will now just remember that this will just turn out to the first in a long line of things she thinks she can bully you over regarding your child. You'd be setting yourself up for 18 years of having your parenting questioned by the whims of your MIL.

2pinkginsplease · 15/11/2022 08:25

I’d be telling dh that he tells her that you have both chosen the name and it won’t be getting changed to please her, she had the chance to name her children and does not get a choice in her grandchild’s. And if he doesn’t do it then I will.

im like a bull in a china shop whereas dh is more tactful. This usually sorts any problems in our family.

Newlifestartingatlast · 15/11/2022 08:26

Rtmhwales · 15/11/2022 05:38

Tell MIL you've never really cared for her name and ask her to change it and then you'll consider it for DS. Preferably both her first name and middle name.

Yep.👍

2pinkginsplease · 15/11/2022 08:26

Pressed send too soon.

register your baby, make everyone aware of his name and pull her up if she doesn’t use the name and continues to use Jnr.

how disrespectful!

StatisticallyChallenged · 15/11/2022 08:26

Ireallycantthinkofagoodone · 15/11/2022 08:23

I absolutely agree that you should not give in to your MIL, but one thing you said seemed quite odd. You stated that it was to honour your DH’s family, not your MIL’s family. Your DH has 2 parents, so I can understand that she might feel a bit left out if you don’t consider the maternal side as much as the paternal one.

She still doesn’t get a say in your name choices though!!

But op has two family sides as well presumably, so unless the poor lad gets a mouthful of a name not every side will be honoured. That's just tough shit really

Ginitwouldberudenottoo · 15/11/2022 08:28

Your baby, your choice. If you back down over this then she will continue to interfere.
we chose my BIL as a godparent to keep MIL happy, against better judgement and many many years later he is no more a part of the child’s life than the postman ! It’s a power play and for her to be able to show the “ family”’what influence she has. If you both really love the name then don’t let her change your mind

Blueeyedgirl21 · 15/11/2022 08:29

welsh names are beautiful. We have a baby with an Irish name as a nod to my dads family. It’s really easy to spell and pronounce even though I loved Caiomhe we decided that using that name in England might irritate people … so went with a much easier to spell one. I have a friend with a baby Oisin and one with a baby Shriiya and the amount of people who totally balls it up…. Makes me mad because not every baby can just have a standard English name like Josh or Tom (nothing wrong with those names btw). Your MIL can privately hate the name but it’s absolutely nothing to do with her what your son is called. You gave birth to him, you did all the hard work !!

brighterthanthemoon · 15/11/2022 08:29

Have you considered moving to Wales? It's very nice and she might leave you alone then.

N0tfinished · 15/11/2022 08:29

She's clearly batshit, so if it wasn't this, it would be something else. She's showing you who she is, so cut your losses and limit contact. Your DH will have to be firmer with her.

LaGioconda · 15/11/2022 08:34

It's ludicrous having to pay tribute to names of both parents on both sides of the family. Take that to its logical conclusion and the unfortunate firstborn ends up with four first names, and they still wouldn't be happy because there would be disputes about which goes first.

Did she choose names to honour all four grandparents with her first child? If not, that argument is out of the window.

ThatWhiteElephant · 15/11/2022 08:36

Your mil is nuts, do not change your sons name.

Dixiechickonhols · 15/11/2022 08:38

Your DH needs to be blunt and say we have chosen his name we don’t want you to mention it further. I’d not want to see her if she’s going to keep dredging it up. Hopefully you can get him registered and all her silliness will stop. Don’t tolerate her calling him something else. She had her go at naming a baby now it’s your turn. The anti Welsh thing is awful especially if your dh is half Welsh.

Original poster
97DS · 15/11/2022 08:40

Yeah FIL (the ex H) is still around and very present in baby boys life. He’s been to visit three times already and baby is only a week old. He’s a very proud grandad and did a big Facebook announcement about how thrilled he was to have a grandson. He is very sweet and cares for us all xx

OP posts:
Wibbly1008 · 15/11/2022 08:41

My ex mother in law was awful. A real nasty piece of work who referred to me as “the tart” behind my back (except she left it accidentally on my voicemail) sometimes people are nasty, but please stand your ground. I did and now we have no contact with that old albatross at all , it’s wonderful! Dd is now 18 and refers to her as horrible grandma 🤣

SillySausage81 · 15/11/2022 08:41

97DS · 15/11/2022 05:10

She’s just not a fan of the spelling, or pronunciation. It’s a Welsh name, because DH is Welsh, but she’s not Welsh and since divorcing DH’s Welsh father may years ago she has taken a dislike to anything that associates, including a Welsh name.

Sounds like one of my grandmothers... constantly slagging off and belittling her children's heritage just because she divorced their dad. Awful behaviour which cuts deep, and if you give in then you set a precedent that says it's OK to behave like that. Tell her to grow tf up.

Rowen32 · 15/11/2022 08:42

You need to somehow stop her from calling him Junior as she might continue that for good and it could really stick..