School not letting children leave for lunch without a good reason, AIBU?

[LunchtimePlease]

DC is 7, Year 3.

They’ve always struggled a bit with food but until this year were always fine weight wise so it wasn't noticable or an issue. Then earlier this year a health condition they have took a turn and this has put them right off.

They started refusing to eat school meals and refusing hot meals at night when I sent in packed lunches so they lost weight not enough for concern by GP/HCPs but enough for DC themself to notice and me having to size down clothes.

I asked if I could pick them up at lunchtime and bring them back in time for the afternoon. They get 1hr 10 minutes for lunch and I live less than 15 minutes’ walk from school. The few times I’ve been allowed to take DC out at lunchtime for appointments I’ve always managed to get them back 10-15 minutes before the end of lunch.

School is saying I can’t take DC out of school for lunch without good reason, they’ve said an appointment or due to a half day arrangement sure but just for lunch isn’t a reason and DC will have to learn to eat enough at school. They’ve said they won’t release to me before the end of the school day and the layout of the school means I have to go via the front office/reception which often staffed by either the HT or DHT at lunchtimes.

It feels a bit harsh, I can’t find any laws on lunchtimes, so AIBU to want to at least trial taking DC out at lunchtime until they get better with eating? I’m sure they’ll improve again in a few months and it’s less of an issue in the warmer months anyway.

"I don't. You really need to be careful with something like this, it could trigger anorexia and all sorts of disordered eating."

Yes but OP has explained the difficulties are related to her child's medical condition, that makes them too tired in the evening to eat a big meal.

I appreciate OP is very worried, but letting her child pick up on her anxiety and taking them out of school everyday is likely to compound the issue.

Get a thermos food flask that you can put hot meals in. Nuke it in the microwave before school and it’ll still be warm at lunch time. Pasta works best for us so far, but I’d be interested to hear what other people put in them!

I think it doesn’t matter when they eat as long as they are getting sufficient calories. If they are eating a packed lunch, as others have mentioned increase the calories same with breakfast, then don’t worry if they don’t eat dinner in the evening. That seems to be the best solution. They get to stay in school with everyone else andthey don’t lose weight.

look for calorie supplements… my mum found some that are virtually tasteless that can be added to almost anything. Protein bars are made for situations like this and can be eaten on the walk home. Also if you work from home cane you have their dinner waiting and get them to eat immediately after getting home? As in, take off coat and sit down to eat.

If the child eats the packed lunch, how is coming home going to help with being too tired for the evening meal? If anything child will be more tired because of additional travel.

it seems like focusing on increasing calories in breakfast and packed lunch would help. Then for evening meal, relax standards of how it is served. Eating earlier, eating picnic style, having two smaller meals, whatever you need to get in more calories.

alternatively, if you really think coming home is the best solution, this is when you get your doctor to support your plan and provide a more to the school.

School do sound a bit rigid on this especially as you would be collecting him at the start of the school's lunch break and returning before the end .That doesnt sound unreasonable at all . And you've said it's something you would expect to be a temporary meausre until he gets used to school meals . Sounds like a sensible plan OP. I'd ask GP fpr a letter of support as mentioned by previous posters. I hope things work out

I wonder if the school are not keen because attendance is poor and they suspect the child won't return on some of these afternoons.

But wouldn’t a 15 min walk to and from school at lunch time burn more calories and tire them out more?

Ideas
Take a hot lunch into school at lunch times
Provide a bigger packed lunch or higher calorie lunches
Send in a hot packed lunch - my DD has an Omie lunch box which keeps food hot. She had spaghetti and sausages on Friday, she loves her hot lunches. We also have a thermos for hot soups etc..

What do you give him in a packed lunch now?

Why can't he take what you'd give at home in a thermos?

And why do you think a hot meal is better than a cold one?

Can you not get child up early for a big feed.

A little lunch and then dinner as soon as they get through the door before they crash?

I'd definitely speak to your Dr, Complan or some other sort of high calorie meal replacement drink might help them get some calories in after school but best to do that under the advice of the Dr. Hope they feel better soon 😊

Can you ask your GP for a latter recommending this that you can show the head?

@LunchtimePlease Can you move the time of their evening meal forwards so there's something hot available as soon as they're home from school?

I hated eating at school at primary.

Dm used to give me one digestive biscuit and an orange juice on the basis that me eating that was better than me not eating anything because starting seemed too much.

Then she would meet us at school with something I could eat on the way home and then we'd have tea really early-we would eat by about 4:30.

I think she did worry about how much I was eating, but she kept it from me.

Now we would have been allowed home for lunch, but actually I don't think it would have helped. The lunch box made me feel under pressure to finish everything. I still struggle to eat if I feel under pressure to finish everything on my plate-I normally will, but put that pressure on me, usually in my mind rather than anyone saying anything, then I lose appetite and feel sick.
Taking me home would have made me feel under pressure to eat too and so I wouldn't have.

This seems sensible to me too. OP, have you tried an earlier evening meal?

You're in a difficult position but it's good that you've got some good tips here. Maybe try for a few weeks and then reconsider whether to try again with school.

I get why’d want to do this but honestly you’re making a rod for your own back and it’s going to end up having a big impact on them.

They’ll either get so used to it that they’ll really struggle if you can’t do it for whatever reason or they’ll resent it because they’re missing out on time with their friends at school.

Definitely try the high calorie milkshake drinks.
Make sure they have a higher calorie breakfast, packed lunch and snacks.

It doesn’t matter if they’re not getting a hot meal at home as long as they get their calories somewhere else during the day, as that’s more important than hot food.

Apologies if I've missed something but - if he's too tired to eat in the evening what about a nap after school? If the tiredness is due to the condition which will improve wouldn't having a rest after school be a sensible thing in the short term?

I would ask the school where in the policies it states children can't leave for lunch.

Is it an academy school?

I've seen quite a few schools challenged over this over the years and they always end up giving in (it's the same as the 'we don't let any child under year X leave without an adult - it's their preference because it's easier, but not remotely enforceable).

Round here a lot of kids go home for lunch, especially since the school lunch supplier changed and they are terrible quality.

I agree with the posters above that it would be sensible to make their evening meal available as soon as you can after school (so 4-4.30 if you can). Then they can have some healthy snacks in the evening if they're able to but at least they've had a decent hot meal before they're too tired to eat it.

That and bulk up breakfast.

Get a letter from your GP?

When did parents actually agree to relinquish decisions on their children. It seems to have crept up over the years. Surely a note saying DC will be going home for lunch should be sufficient. It was normal in days gone by. School only became prison like after Dunblane and the subsequent aftermath. A year 3 is quite capable of going to the office and meeting a parent at the door.
If the school is going to be obstructive, then go down the health route and duty of care. Reasonable adjustments and all that.

Try online?

The problem isn't lunch, though. Hot food at lunch is easily solved. (Hot food in a flask; take in hot food at lunchtime; tell school losing weight+ medical issue IS a good reason.)

The problem is the evening meal. If he's too tired to eat anytime after school, even if you serve him tea at 4pm... is he well enough to be in school all day? Being too exhausted to eat is a sign he's being pushed beyond his limits, perhaps.

If he only eats one meal/day (what's happening with breakfast?), then you can't make up that calorie deficit at lunch. Children can only eat so much at once.

What medical condition is it? Surely the extra 30 mins of walking per day would add to the tiredness.
Please don’t follow nutritional advice from people from the internet. If the weight loss is such that nutritional drinks are needed then this should be discussed with a health care professional/dietitian first as it may not be the most appropriate way to manage it.

Ask to speak to the SENCO. The school should be accommodating a medical issue. They need to make a plan with you about how to help your child eat or let you do your plan

As far as I am aware the legality of taking your child home to provide a homemade meal, should you wish to and live near enough, is that it is still fine. Certainly used to be.

Then, with the health issue, there's a question of whether it's a Reasonable Adjustment even if it wouldn't normally be allowed these days (in terms of law, not just what the school fancies to make its policy).