Page 10 | To think I and other people with commitments should get a medal

GrrrrrreeeNotgreatactually · 2022-11-14T08:28:55+00:00

Kids have an inset day and their dad is home and so for the first time (possibly ever) I am getting ready for work without having to get them ready for school, nursery, holiday club. I'm actually bored. It's not time to leave yet. I'm dressed. I've even done a bit around the house. It makes me think of how easy this is, even for a serial procrastinator like me. So know I'm wondering about all my child free colleagues who roll their eyes when I come in frazzled, frizzy, five minutes late (I also stay late) and sometimes with someone else's toothpaste on me. Do they have any idea how easy it is to get yourself out of the house for work compared to getting other little two people out the door (who frankly aren't as motivated)? Do they not realise that those of us with kids/ caring responsibilities are not just wilfully blasé but that it's actually really fucking difficult to get somewhere (almost) on time without looking like you've been through tough mudder with an added sticky fingers obstacle? I could do this every day.

Shortname · 15/11/2022 13:26

Because nobody has any idea what it's like until they become a parent themselves. I was blissfully unaware before i became a parent. A male colleague (no kids) once thought he was helping me through a really heavy workload by saying, "when my work gets like that I just come in at 6am a couple of times and it's sorted, much less stressful" I gently and calmly explained that even if I wanted to I couldn't legally leave my kids unattended and be in the office at 6am. I think he sort of got it but it genuinely hadn't occurred to him, and why would it? When i was childless it wouldn't have occurred to me either.

LittleGwyneth · 15/11/2022 13:30

How do you know what they've done before work? They might have fit more in than you have.

deeperthanallroses · 15/11/2022 13:36

LazyJayne · 14/11/2022 09:32

OP, you’ve posted on a site with a significant proportion of:

women who desperately want to have children, and are unable or struggling to conceive;

women of a certain age/set of circumstances who now need to make ‘the decision’ about whether or not to have children and potentially risk it all (their health, their career, their finances, their independence) for something that may or may not work out as planned;

women who have decided to remain child free and are now living with that decision, either happily or unhappily (or a bit of both).

So if I were you, I wouldn’t be too surprised that the stereotype of your ‘clueless childfree’ colleagues who ‘just have no idea, do they girls, haw haw’ has rubbed some up the wrong way. It’s the way you’ve written it.

Huh? She has posted on a site with a significant number of women with children. Sure there are some women without children but absolutely not the grand majority the way you phrase it.

CoffeeMama1 · 15/11/2022 14:21

I think generally more people should just go about their day with the understanding you have no idea what someone else has already been dealing with it what they have going on. So many of us just assume everyone has it the same/easier than us, were naturally quite a selfish species in this way, but it just doesn't cost anything to be kind. That child free colleague could've spent their morning getting a parent washed and dressed, you never know.

Gumreduction · 15/11/2022 14:49

CoffeeMama1 · 15/11/2022 14:21

I think generally more people should just go about their day with the understanding you have no idea what someone else has already been dealing with it what they have going on. So many of us just assume everyone has it the same/easier than us, were naturally quite a selfish species in this way, but it just doesn't cost anything to be kind. That child free colleague could've spent their morning getting a parent washed and dressed, you never know.

Exactly this.

and there’s a lot to be said to really not giving a hoot what anyone aside from friends and family say to you.

JanetSally · 15/11/2022 15:04

CoffeeMama1 · 15/11/2022 14:21

I think generally more people should just go about their day with the understanding you have no idea what someone else has already been dealing with it what they have going on. So many of us just assume everyone has it the same/easier than us, were naturally quite a selfish species in this way, but it just doesn't cost anything to be kind. That child free colleague could've spent their morning getting a parent washed and dressed, you never know.

I agree. People face all sorts of challenges in life, many of them much more difficult that parenthood. Should they all get a medal?

We'd run out of medals pretty soon.

JanetSally · 15/11/2022 15:07

Shortname · 15/11/2022 13:26

Because nobody has any idea what it's like until they become a parent themselves. I was blissfully unaware before i became a parent. A male colleague (no kids) once thought he was helping me through a really heavy workload by saying, "when my work gets like that I just come in at 6am a couple of times and it's sorted, much less stressful" I gently and calmly explained that even if I wanted to I couldn't legally leave my kids unattended and be in the office at 6am. I think he sort of got it but it genuinely hadn't occurred to him, and why would it? When i was childless it wouldn't have occurred to me either.

It would have occurred to me and to most people I know, parents or childless. You're extrapolating a lot from one incident.

Perhaps you've said something to a colleague at some time that had them inwardly rolling their eyes and thinking "she hasn't a clue...."

JanetSally · 15/11/2022 15:08

tigger1001 · 14/11/2022 10:40

When my kids were younger, the people arriving late almost daily were child free. Whereas, because I was working condensed hours, I started earlier and was rarely late. There was a much bigger expectation on me to be on time as "you don't get to be late just because you have kids" attitude was prevalent.

Even now with flexible working, it tends to be child free colleagues who are regularly late at my work.

That's a bit of a sweeping generalisation.

JanetSally · 15/11/2022 15:17

Tag40 · 14/11/2022 11:50

Why do people insist on reading insult where there is none? FFS, this is Mumsnet, a forum where a working mum should be ok to post lighthearted thread about getting to work on time! It’s not a personal dig at anyone else for crying out loud. Get over yourselves. And if you like to imagine slights where there are none, perhaps you need to have a bit more self-awareness & question why that is. Take yourself elsewhere. Why click on the thread in the first place?

Lots of drama llamas out there OP - some people really don’t have a sense of humour & love to make everything they encounter about them

It may have been intended as light hearted but it did come across as a bit smug and dismissive towards non parents.

Maybe it could have been worded better.

Gumreduction · 15/11/2022 15:28

@Tag40

Lots of drama llamas out there OP

The OP being one of them

JanetSally · 15/11/2022 15:59

Confusion101 · 14/11/2022 09:10

There's nothing I hate more than a "oh you've no idea" parent!

"you've no idea what tiredness is until you have kids"
"you've no idea what an early morning is until you have kids"

And now "you've no idea how hard it is to get ready in the morning if you have kids"... Kindly, fuck off! YABU. (and yes I am a mother)!

I thinknthis is why this thread has annoyed people.
It does smack a bit of

"Oh you've no idea what worry/tiredness/love etc is until you've had a child.
I think childless people have become more vocal about how insulting this is, so the post is a bit tone deaf given that many childless people post on here.

Duchess379 · 15/11/2022 16:05

Am I the only one who thinks this post is 'tongue in cheek?' A bit of a 'jest' post?! No?! 💁🏼

JanetSally · 15/11/2022 16:10

Duchess379 · 15/11/2022 16:05

Am I the only one who thinks this post is 'tongue in cheek?' A bit of a 'jest' post?! No?! 💁🏼

Well obviously not. Have you not read the thread? But you appear to be in the minority?

MuraRocker · 15/11/2022 16:35

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

LazyJayne · 15/11/2022 22:34

deeperthanallroses · 15/11/2022 13:36

Huh? She has posted on a site with a significant number of women with children. Sure there are some women without children but absolutely not the grand majority the way you phrase it.

Show quote history

ah yes, because ‘significant proportion’ = ‘grand majority’. you got me there, I can’t argue with that level of flawless logic.

Shortname · 16/11/2022 14:06

JanetSally · 15/11/2022 15:07

It would have occurred to me and to most people I know, parents or childless. You're extrapolating a lot from one incident.

Perhaps you've said something to a colleague at some time that had them inwardly rolling their eyes and thinking "she hasn't a clue...."

Show quote history

Yep, that was the exact point I was making but thanks for making it back to me. I cringe at the stupid things i said in the past, I'm not alone, this conversation comes up quite regularly eg 'silly things I said before I became a parent' It's not just about being a parent, it's anyone elses circumstances. However well meaning and kind someone is (eg person in my example trying to help) its pretty hard to be fully aware of all the constraints someone else lives with unless you have similar constraints.