I am not the keeper of all things - AIBU to be annoyed with DH

[SpookyPanda]

My DH has taken to asking me "do we have any xyz?" "Is the xyz dirty" "where are my xyz?" Its giving me rage. Today he was asking if we had any sellotape - he was right by the place the sellotape lives and I was in the middle of dealing with toddler DC.

AIBU to snap?!

Just say you don't know and keep repeating this in a light, airy, slightly wondering tone until it stops, I have had surprising success with this tactic and DP now knows where things like lightbulbs live.

Sometimes I feel that it's about 'Pay Attention to Me!!!' It has you focus on him and his needs.

The same answer I used to give to my kids when they were teenagers.... "Use your brain, not mine".

I have a series of stock answers that I rotate:

”Try asking the office manager.”
”Bzzzzzmmmm bzzzzmmm-bork! Ah, looks like my X-ray vision is broken.”
”Have you used your looking eyes?”
”Same place it’s always kept.”
”No idea.”

All of which annoy DP but not NEARLY as much as this bullshit questioning annoys me! I frequently tell him he uses my brain as a walking notepad – he’s forever narrating about his household chores, what he’ll get from the shop, then tags these questions on the end. Meanwhile, I’m trying to use my brain for things! I’m a writer so if I’m pottering around the house I’m usually daydreaming about a scene or letting a plot point work itself out in my head then I get interrupted by “Do we have any milk?” as if he’s allergic to opening the fucking fridge. I’d be sad if we split but in the pro column would very much be not being asked stupid fucking questions.

You don’t have a manly brain. Just you’ve decided you’re not going to practice and therefore have not developed those neurological pathways.

The Brian is magnificent and can develop neurological pathways for lost skills very quickly if you actually start using your brain.

Do you not think she needs to delegate brain space for efficiency too?

how the hell do you think she remembers birthdays etc- it’s becuase she is not a self absorbed lazy man who decides his brain space can’t be arsed with pleasing other people in small ways like remembering their birthdays.

you have perfected the fine art of being so bloody useless at putting things away or finding them that you pretend she has advanced “micromanaging skills”. Bollocks. You have developed the art of pretending to be crap at something so the other person is forced to step in everytime and do it. A skill a lot of men spend considerable time and determination to perfect

It takes a few hours to go round a few rooms like the kitchen or utility room with your wife and agree where you both will keep things. And then stick to it. we’re not talking rocket science. We’re talking about you being responsible for running the household, children etc EQUALLY with your partner.

Completely agree with this. My frinds and I discuss this, and it's the selfish ones who are the ones whose wives / GFs 'complain' about this, whilst the decent husbands just spend longer looking and if they can't find it after say 30 minutes of looking usually their partner asks them if they can't find something (because after 30 minutes you'd realise if your partner is struggling usually).

My DH is like this too - car keys, wallet, glasses - can't seem to lay his hands on anything without asking for my input.

I have a stock response. "Where have you looked so far, so I can help you eliminate these places from the search?"

I wouldn't mind so much if he'd searched the whole house/every pocket before asking me. It's the fact that I'm first port of call that pisses me off.

Stop giving in.

Repeat I don't know

He is male and see's the house are your domain , he is just being a little boy asking his Mum where things are, they never ever grow up. My DH is 60 years old and still does this, no matter what i have tried it never works.

'Where you left it'
'Who knows?'
'No idea'
'Sorry, i havent seen it'
'Have you tried looking for it'
'Your guess is as good as mine'
'Up your bum'
'In the sellotape aisle'
'ask a member of staff'

Yes, this sort of thing is really annoying.

However, please don't book a doctor's appointment to prove a point (I think this was suggested by a couple of people). It's really hard to get an appointment at my doctor's.

My Dh rarely does this. ‘Do we have milk?’ I dunno, I don’t use milk, so how would I know? My response is always ‘Dunno’. It’s a very boring unhelpful answer, so he rarely asks. If I’ve actually seen his glasses and he has in fact looked, I will happily say where they are, but if it requires me to open the fridge that he’s stood next to, there’s no chance.

I have other standard answers along with some of the one's above - (house with DH and 2 teenage DS)
"I am not your admin person"
"What did your last slave die of"
"Don't outsource your thinking to me"
"I am not the family memory bank"

If someone is genuinely struggling then I will help. We also have a big planner on the wall that contains things like term dates for school and uni etc. A list of which bin goes out (alternates recycling and non recycling) lives on the fridge. I can just "don't know - check the planner"

There are times where I to fail to remember where everything is supposed to be put, (and my ex partner would do the same) so we had 'the pile of forgetful' where if we couldn't remember where stuff went we would put it on the pile, and then when we both had spare 10 minutes) we'd go through the pile together and the person who couldn't remember where it went was literally shown (finger pointed) into the right place in the right drawer. It soon worked for the things that you'd assume your partner would know and it showed both of us what was perhaps not stored in places which were where we would store them and showed we should label a few containers.
The only 2 things that we disagreed on was that she believed electrical tools could be stored in a wooden shed (which gets damp) whereas I believe they should be in the understairs cupboard (which doesn't get damp) and the other thing was about a work 'friend's tongue.

"I'm not your PA" or
"You could just do what I'll have to do and check the diary/check the council bin collection leaflet/check the letter from the school."

You’ve had a baby and now he sees you in the mother role. You take on the mental load so he doesn’t have to. He’s lazy. Why think when you can do it.

Yep - I have had this. My response “I have no idea, why don’t you feel it and find out?” he only asked once.

Weaponised incompetence

Start doing it back to a comical level.
Hold your keys and say ‘do you know where my keys are’,
glasses on head ‘do you know where my glasses are’.
Channel changer on table, ‘do you know where the remote is’.

😂 He will get the idea after a week.

My ex used to do this.

He once phoned me when he was in a different country to me, in a house I'd never been to wanting me to tell him

1. Where the washing powder was
2. How to use the machine (some brand I hadn't heard of)

I get this, but with the preface of “what have you done with.. / where have you put…?” frequently about an item I either seldom use or belongs to him. I do point out to him that I have little interest in hiding his shirt/keys/fingerless gloves (this morning’s lost item. On the occasions when I do know where an item is, and tell him, he usually can’t find it (despite it being literally in front of his face sometimes) and then flounces round pronouncing that it is NOT THERE…until I leave whatever I’m doing and go and retrieve it. He then expresses disbelief that it was where I said it was.

He is a good man but it is one of his biggest flaws.

Hmm, Dp does this. However, he always claims I've moved it. Maybe I did, I can not remember. He asked me where his oximeter was the other day. He'd been using it to monitor his oxygen levels due to covid infection.
It turned out I'd popped some laundry on top of it.😂
Asking questions is one of the joys of living with another or a group of people.

I’m trying to train DS out of this by asking for some form of compensation. If he asks where something is, I ask him if he’s looked. If he has (not really), and still wants me to look, I tell him that if I find it he owes me a pound or a cup of tea. Makes him look a bit harder.

I know same here. I have a gum shield for night time, to protect my teeth.

Mine comes out with (like the Lego film) where's my pants? This is a nearly 40 year old man.

One day he said my underpants in the drawer are a bit on the low side. My reply was you know where the washing machine is. Not my problem.

@DenholmElliot11 that had me chuckling and formulating my own schemes.

Best take on this yet!

My experience too:

Only I’m still telling my husband where the milk is - right in the fridge where it always is……I can’t see it…….right in front of you…….no, I still can’t see it….here, (now I’m up out of my seat, stopped what I was doing, going to fridge, picking up the milk and handing it to husband) who says…..thanks.

And when he can’t find his keys……..you must have moved them…….no I didn’t touch them…….I can’t find them and I know exactly where I left them……there’s an edge to his voice here because car keys are to do with important mens business.