I am not the keeper of all things - AIBU to be annoyed with DH

[SpookyPanda]

My DH has taken to asking me "do we have any xyz?" "Is the xyz dirty" "where are my xyz?" Its giving me rage. Today he was asking if we had any sellotape - he was right by the place the sellotape lives and I was in the middle of dealing with toddler DC.

AIBU to snap?!

My DH does this with keys etc more because he wants me to share his pain rather than because he thinks I know where they are. I usually just shrug and say "I have no idea".

Eh?

A doctor won't cure his Learned Helplessness act.

He does it because you have given in to it time & time again.
Stop!

Take PP's advice above, choose a tactic & stick with it.
He'll eventually work out that you won't cave to his laziness.
At the moment he can take it for granted that when he whinges, his wife sorts his tiny problem for him.

I ask DH a lot because he is constantly moving stuff.
DH where is Useful Thing I Need All The Time?
🙄I stored it conveniently in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying 'Beware of the Leopard'.

Ahhhhh some of this is so familiar.

I've spent 10 years training DH of this, thanks to his ever accommodating mummy who babied him.

If I'm feeling helpful I'll respond with where do you usually find it/where do you think it might be?

If I'm not feeling helpful I tell him he has eyes and a brain and to look for himself.

The things he's looking for are usually in obvious places.

“I don’t look for things for adults”

What on earth could he be "struggling with"?
A mystery illness that leaves him fully capable for work & life, but unable to locate random objects without the assistance of his wife?
Does he ring you from work, asking you where the stapler/jackhammer/motherboard is? Or does he manage to find objects when you are not present?!

Why are you looking to find some ailment to blame, instead of just erecting your own boundary & sticking to it?

Are you me? Did I write this without knowing 😂 I’ve had where are my sunglasses and where is my driving license. The other day he was holding our daughter and I was in another room and he actually shouted does she need a nappy change 🙄 just fucking check

@Oysterbabe - that's funny - thank you for a giggle. DH who had been up all night on ( work ) phone calls asked me where the canvas bad we used for shopping was & I said Oh I thought I would hide it because where it has lived for 5 years would have been too obvious - To be fair to the man he was tired beyond tired.

😂Yes!!
My DH constantly moves stuff around too...what's all that about?

Well he never used to do it but the last couple of year since we've had DC he's definitely started to rely on me to tell him where things are.

Bingo. The 'mother of the household' trope. That is, as soon as you became a mother, he decided you were his new mum too - because looking after the household and everyone in it is what mums do.

Oh that makes sense.

Maybe! I have had the nappy scenario too! It's ridiculous.

This is what I do. I also do it with DM who likes to mentally load me!

I do this!!! I shared this with my wife and she smirked.

I'm not proud... but for me (my petty, manly, feeble excuse) my wife likes to micromanage, and regardless of where I put things, how I tidy, what I do etc, it will be wrong, so I'll invariably ask her where or how she wants things to make sure it's done, so i might as well ask her where they end up later...
OR...
She will make a point of remembering everything (I'm horrible with names and birthdays etc), so I brain-space delegate for efficiency.

My favourite response: ‘Uterus is not a homing device.’

I just say, 'No idea' without even looking round!

Say to him, "I'm really worried about you. Your memory and your eyesight are terrible. I'm going to book an appointment with the doctor so you can have a thorough check up."

YABU by getting annoyed.
Oh and I do help each other from time to time when we have lost something.
But if I think OH is just being lazy or would me to fetch I would always answer "I'm not sure"
So if he asks me where the sellotape is and he is standing by the drawer where it lives I would say "I'm not sure".
Questions like that don't annoy me-I just don't engage with them.

It’s very easy to cure this sort of crap. You just refuse to play along with it.

My husband does this and also telling me things out loud that are his responsibility to remember (by telling me he is passing on responsibility)..

Since getting I do not have the mental ability to cope with these extra requests, so now either I twitch, ignore or say, "when you talk to yourself can you do it inside your head". He is getting much better. So it only takes becoming disabled to get your man child to grow up!

Yep I get this. But I get it x 2 as my teen also thinks I'm the oracle of life.

DD: "Mum what's the weather going to be line today?"

DP: "where's x y and z?"

DD: what's for tea?

DP: "is there anything we need from the supermarket, I'll collect it on the way home?"

Etc etc etc.

I feel like screaming sometimes, I don't fucking know!!! Just look for it / Google it / think for yourself for 2 minutes!! 😫

And breathe. 😅

No, he does it becuase you started to do his looking for him

my best tactics was simply not to respond. At all. Ideally just wander off to another room and do something else. Don’t stomp- just pretend it’s like he never said it and you’re off to do something. Particularly if he’s blowing himself 8nto a steam,

if he follows and demands your intervention simply say” oh, I thought you were talking out loud to yourself” , if he then still demands your intervention, state clearly “ I don’t know”. Repeat. repeat. Doesn’t matter how irate he gets, do not engage

it won’t take long for him to learn that you are not his “looker”

once he figures this and stops his instant reaction to be getting you to look (6 months say) , sit with him and tell him if he genuinely looses something and cannot find it, and has spent a Considerable period looking for it , and genuinely thinks I may have put it someone , then by all means ask for some “help” but that should be phrased with “please could you help me in finding something I can’t find”

The problem is you then find the thing for him. You’re not helping yourself, or him.

It’s learned helplessness. Stop enabling it. He’s quite capable of finding it.

🤣🤣

Just reply

"Where it usually lives"
"Where you left it"

All calm and disengaged.

And if he replies "I don't know where I left it" you can answer "and you think I do?"

I personally think people who do this are just optimistic types who always hope to be told or that someone else knows where they let something - which face it. You may have seen it and he can't remember!