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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how you would do christmas

95 replies

ChristmasDecisions · 13/11/2022 00:27

DH and I have parents that live several hours apart. Scotland and South East England so not quite as far apart as you can get but pretty close! We live on the Scottish side of the border so significantly closer to my parents. Typically we do Christmas with our parents individually because of the distance but we've not celebrated a single Christmas together in the 6 years we have been together and I'm due our first baby in the New Year.

I'm an only child so my parents start sobbing hysterically at the idea of not seeing me on Christmas day (relationship with DH is strained due to their behaviour). We're closer to them so they think traveling to his parents is us punishing them (well me punishing them due to his influence 🙄).

Thought about swapping one family Christmas, one new years and rotating each year but my DH is (understandably and completely their fault) resistant to this due to said strained relationship. We both get on well with DHs family.

So wise mumsnetters what should we do?

OP posts:

2Late · 13/11/2022 00:29

Invite both sets of parents to your house. Do not attempt to mediate. You are not responsible for the behaviour of others (including your husband).

BagOfBollocks · 13/11/2022 00:31

Invite them all to yours and if you meet any resistance for the hysterical sobbers, tell them to grow up and stop trying to manipulate you.

Original poster

ChristmasDecisions · 13/11/2022 00:35

2Late · 13/11/2022 00:29

Invite both sets of parents to your house. Do not attempt to mediate. You are not responsible for the behaviour of others (including your husband).

Thanks, unfortunately we:

Live in a small 2 bed (working on this)
His parents have elderly parents to care for and host a lot of other family members so they can't come
My parents refuse to travel for Christmas. They moved into their house in their early 20s when they married and have spent every christmas in it since and have never allowed visitors (they claim I'm not a visitor and that its always my home even when i 'stay elsewhere' 99.99% of the time). They would only let my DH come because I told them I was going to be spending Christmas with him come what may so if he wasn't welcome that would take their house out of consideration. They don't even let their parents or siblings visit.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 13/11/2022 00:38

So wise mumsnetters what should we do?

First and foremost, you need to stop pandering to your parents' blatant manipulation with their hysterics. You have your own family now, and you have to make these decisions with your partner.

I'm an only child, too. Your parents need to learn that you have your partner and his family that needs to be considered.

Lentil63 · 13/11/2022 00:38

I think most people rotate seeing parents on ‘special’ occasions. There is the option of having everyone come to you but if not you’re going to have to talk to both sets of parents and explain you’re going to be taking turns. Is there any hope that each set of parents could every other year welcome their in laws?

2Late · 13/11/2022 00:39

Your parents sound a bit strange.

But in any case as your in-laws have other family visiting, do Christmas Day with your parents and Boxing Day with husband's.

Could you perhaps book Christmas lunch at a pub so it's on neutral territory? Somewhere very near to them, obviously.

caringcarer · 13/11/2022 00:41

Parents do not own their children they can invite them to visit at Xmas but not make demands. Tell both sets of parents you are having a year at home. Invite parents to meal on Boxing Day. Let them do long drive for once. Going forward I would perhaps go to one set of parents for Xmas 1 year, stay home next year and rotate to opposite set of Parents on third year. That is what we did before my Mum died. I invite my own children to visit over Xmas and they either say yes or no. No pressure is put on them. My dd tends to bring her DH and dgc to see me mid December and we do early Nanny & Grandad Xmas. I cook a turkey crown and all the trimmings, dgc open their stockings from Nanny & Grandad and we take dgc to see Santa. Your parents need to grow up.

TeamHerbivore · 13/11/2022 00:42

Honestly, I’d tell your parents to stop laying on the guilt. The situation is ridiculous. They have got issues and that’s not your problem to deal with.

Spend Xmas at home just the two of you. I can’t understand people tying themselves up in knots to please others who make no compromises. You’re going to have a child very soon, concentrate on the 3 of you and not other people’s ridiculous demands and tantrums.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/11/2022 00:42

Your parents sound batshit. Stop pandering to them and live your own life.

Thatskindafun · 13/11/2022 00:44

Go to DHs parents
I don’t reward poor behaviour
Manipulating, guilt tripping and not getting on with DH - no way would I consider putting him through that just to keep them happy. They’re not trying to make anyone else happy.

Or just spend the day together, don’t go to either. Then go see his parents when they have less visitors

RhubarbFairy · 13/11/2022 00:44

Don't let them hold you hostage. Stay home for Christmas. Ignore the hysterics.

DH and I used to spend Christmas separately (because he kept himself tied to apron strings). Once we got married I refused to not have Christmas with my husband. And he still refused to cut the apron strings, so every Christmas was at the ILs.

When DS1 was born we did his first Christmas at the ILs with a visit to my dad in between Christmas and NY. We then alternated with ILs, my mother, ILs, my dad etc.

One year, when DS1 was 4 and DS2 was 2, driving back with the car loaded again, kids kicking off, motorways closed due to snow, I told DH that I didn't want to travel anymore. That we could extend an invitation to join us for Christmas, but I wasn't dragging two kids round the country anymore.

Best thing we ever did. Christmas is so relaxed now.

I promise, once the baby arrives, you'll tire of dragging them and their paraphernalia across the country pretty quickly. And then you'll have to have that conversation with them then. And endure the hysteria. This time about you taking their only grandchild away from them too.

Nip it in the bud. Extend and invitation (I know you said small house, but it shows willing). They will choose not to come, and then thats on them.

Original poster

ChristmasDecisions · 13/11/2022 00:45

Aquamarine1029 · 13/11/2022 00:38

So wise mumsnetters what should we do?

First and foremost, you need to stop pandering to your parents' blatant manipulation with their hysterics. You have your own family now, and you have to make these decisions with your partner.

I'm an only child, too. Your parents need to learn that you have your partner and his family that needs to be considered.

Honestly, we're pretty LC at the moment because of their behaviour around the impending grandchild. I do tell them their behaviour isn't ok and I'm very firm with them on that.

Ultimately they're the way they are and thats not going to change. I either do what I'm doing or go NC. They're pretty much the gate keepers to other family members so if I go NC I lose them too.

OP posts:

Stompythedinosaur · 13/11/2022 00:45

Normally I'd be suggesting you take turns, but your dps sound awful. Do you want to see them at christmas? If you don't, then don't! Obviously if they are rude to your partner they can't expect to see you for family events.

NoDairyNoProblem · 13/11/2022 00:52

ChristmasDecisions · 13/11/2022 00:35

Thanks, unfortunately we:

Live in a small 2 bed (working on this)
His parents have elderly parents to care for and host a lot of other family members so they can't come
My parents refuse to travel for Christmas. They moved into their house in their early 20s when they married and have spent every christmas in it since and have never allowed visitors (they claim I'm not a visitor and that its always my home even when i 'stay elsewhere' 99.99% of the time). They would only let my DH come because I told them I was going to be spending Christmas with him come what may so if he wasn't welcome that would take their house out of consideration. They don't even let their parents or siblings visit.

Show quote history

I was all set to say try to alternate but look at your parents own example… eternally selfish… and do as you damn well please.

Solmum1964 · 13/11/2022 00:56

When my boyfriend and I bought our first property we said we were having Christmas on our own but would welcome anyone Boxing Day or thereafter. I didn't want to get into any arrangements that we would find hard to break after having children. Both families were within an hour or so traveling time so worked out OK.
My mother died, we moved further away and had children (and cats). Cattery wasn't open Christmas Day or Boxing Day so we had both days to ourselves and went visiting between Christmas and New Year. Was lovely for the children to be able to play with their new toys without being dragged away and meant we had a chance to recover from the early start before being sociable!

CocktailOnion2 · 13/11/2022 00:57

All that swapping will be an absolute nightmare, especially in a year or two when small toddlers are far less portable.
I'm genuinely surprised that you have let your folks manipulate you to the point that you have never spent a Christmas with your husband !
Now is the time to ring the changes, tell them how you will be spending the festive period & where they fit in (whether they are invited to yours or you would like to visit them).
You, your dh & unborn are a family unit , its time to make your own family Christmas, it's the natural order, you do Christmas at (your parents) home as a child, an adolescent, a young adult but once married & especially with children you create your own Christmas (this may involve a rota of being hosted by parent & in-laws) then as you have children it usually evolves to the grandparents (your parents / in-laws) coming to you.

Original poster

ChristmasDecisions · 13/11/2022 00:59

Lots of replies, thank you so much.

Yes my parents are batshit. I'm under no illusions on that.

We can't do Christmas with one, boxing day with the next. It's a 10 hour drive between them on an average day. If we travel we need to spend a few days, especially when I'm pregnant.

My preference would be to have Christmas at ours just us. It causes less drama for me. My husband is upset by this as we would both enjoy Christmas at his parents house and feels we shouldn't miss out on spending Christmas there because my parents are batshit. Which is true but I still have to deal with my parents histrionics while fairly pregnant.

Are they rude to my DH? Not to his face. When I put boundaries in place they think its his influence. Before I met him it was my friends' influence. They're also good at gas lighting when confronted with what they have said about people. They think they're lovely to his face so he can't have a problem with them. They're hot and cold. Other times they completely sing his praises and brag about him to others and think I couldn't have found anyone better.

OP posts:

Scottishskifun · 13/11/2022 01:01

Depending on when your due in the new year you probably don't want to travel much!
Personally I would be having my own Christmas.
Definitely stop pandering to hysterics and simply say we aren't coming this year we will see you before or after and next year will be your turn.
Or simply have your own Christmas and relax!

We used to do alternating Christmas's but my MIL started lying lots and my DH couldn't stand being around her.
We have done a combination in the last few years of our own Christmas, with my DPs and even a Christmas on the other side of the world in the last 5 years.

Scottishskifun · 13/11/2022 01:05

Would add a 10 hour journey when heavily pregnant is extremely difficult! Simply say to your husband you can't travel!
I have done similar at 8 months pregnant because it was a emergency situation and it was hell and took me 3 days to recover. I also got a telling off from my midwife!

Stompythedinosaur · 13/11/2022 01:06

Your parents sound the type who will always find something to complain about. So they may as well be about Christmas.

Don't see them for Christmas. Have a pre-christmas meet up (so it is out of the way and not hanging over you) and leave it at that. You are under no obligation to see them.

Then you can change up what you do each year, maybe stay at home some years, see the in laws some years?

TeamHerbivore · 13/11/2022 01:08

I think I’d consider going no contact with your parents before they put their craziness onto your child. If people do not bring positive things to your life, get rid.

PeeJayDay · 13/11/2022 01:10

I'd go to your parents for Christmas dinner this year. Just stay for the dinner and an hour or so afterwards, you have the perfect excuse to leave fairly quickly.

Let them know that you've decided you'll be doing alternate Christmas visits because obviously you won't want to be separated after the baby is born. One year them, then his parents, then home yourselves.

CocktailOnion2 · 13/11/2022 01:11

Blimey, your parents dont let their parents or siblings visit their house?
So
How are your parents the gatekeepers to the rest of the family?
Surely everyone knows they are particular in their ways , it shouldn't be difficult to forge your own relationships with your family without your parents input.

MistyGreenAndBlue · 13/11/2022 01:18

Stay at home this year. Then in January start looking into emigrating

Australia might not be far enough but it'll have to do until they build a colony on the moon.

Stopthebusplease · 13/11/2022 01:22

I think in your position OP, depending on how heavily pregnant you will actually be at Christmas, I would tell your DP, and both sets of parents that you're not going anywhere this Christmas, because you don't want all the travelling, but if any of them would like to visit you, provided they come prepared to muck in and do the cooking, etc. then they'd be welcome. Then next year, once your little one is here, tell them all that Christmas Day is for the immediate family of 3, but you would be happy to see any/all parents during the week before, or after Christmas. That way you're setting up family expectations early, which will make it much easier for you and your children to enjoy Christmas Day at home in future. The children will be able to play with their new toys, and you'll be able to watch and enjoy it while they're young, rather than having to trail all over the country for the benefit of the grown ups. After all, Christmas, as the saying goes is for the children, unless you happen to be particularly religious. Then if parents of either side don't like it, then they'll have to learn to compromise, or do the other thing, but that's just me! Hope you have a good one, whatever happens😁

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