To ask how you would do christmas

[ChristmasDecisions]

DH and I have parents that live several hours apart. Scotland and South East England so not quite as far apart as you can get but pretty close! We live on the Scottish side of the border so significantly closer to my parents. Typically we do Christmas with our parents individually because of the distance but we've not celebrated a single Christmas together in the 6 years we have been together and I'm due our first baby in the New Year.

I'm an only child so my parents start sobbing hysterically at the idea of not seeing me on Christmas day (relationship with DH is strained due to their behaviour). We're closer to them so they think traveling to his parents is us punishing them (well me punishing them due to his influence 🙄).

Thought about swapping one family Christmas, one new years and rotating each year but my DH is (understandably and completely their fault) resistant to this due to said strained relationship. We both get on well with DHs family.

So wise mumsnetters what should we do?

"...sobbing hysterically" WTF?

I'd go to DHs parents, hands down.
And I'd be clear that next year will be at your home. Gives them all 12 months to plan, or get used to not seeing you. 🤷‍♀️

Some of this has descended a bit into how odd my parents are. Its very difficult to explain because it is just so strange. They are entitled and selfish and think the world revolves around them, but they genuinely don't seem to understand rather than do things out of malice.

Like many things in their life, I think they decided they wanted a child and expected just that ... a child. They had no consideration that they would end up with an adult with their own thoughts and opinions. They sob about how they can't understand why a child wouldn't be with their parents on christmas. If you remind them they haven't seen their own parents in 40 odd years on christmas they say thats different because they're not a child. I say well I'm nearly 40 they say I'm still their baby 🙄.

They never wanted a grandchild. In my twenties if people asked if they were excited to have some one day they said they didn't need another baby because they already have one. Then lost their marbles when they found out I was expecting and basically expect baby as a replacement for me.

They also do other odd things. Think along the lines of dropping by my house and going through the freezer and seeing I don't have the brand of chips they like. Next time I speak to them they tell me they've not been speaking to me (not that I noticed 😂) because I didn't have the chips and what would have happened to them if they decided they wanted some.

On the other hand, when not acting batshit, they can be incredibly kind, generous and funny. If I broke my leg tomorrow they would drop everything and help, and do a good job of it. If I was waiting on a long list for a medical procedure they'd offer to pay for private to get it done sooner. If they know I'm visiting they will cook my favourite food. They have a social circle and see family a lot. They know they are odd but love them in small doses because of the good qualities.

It's like two opposites rolled into one. I could write threads on the oddities but that would get extraordinarily outing!

I would take it easy and stay at home this year.
I’m also pregnant, taking it easy this year as it will be last relaxed Christmas for a long time! After that we will most likely be at home for the next few Christmas’s. It sound that like me, you usually do a lot of the travelling about and it’s now time for other people to make the effort

we would both enjoy Christmas at his parents house and feels we shouldn't miss out on spending Christmas there because my parents are batshit.

I think this makes the answer very clear.

I'm an only child so my parents start sobbing hysterically at the idea of not seeing me on Christmas Day

Bloody idiots.

When you have your own child start spending Christmas at home, just the 3 of you.

This year, see his parents or stay home. I wouldn't be going anywhere near your own parents again, you have tolerated so much bat shittery from them.

Have Xmas on your own. You are not obligated to spend Xmas with others

Whatever you do this year, I would take back control and absolutely not see your parents on Christmas Day. Whatever the fallout.

I think the first time you break these kinds of long standing 'traditions' or Christmas arrangements, there is a lot of wailing and knashing of teeth but from then on in it gets easier. This has been my experience. I come from a complex family and there were all sorts of Christmas 'traditions' myself and extended family all adhered to (involved an only child and parents who could never be left, as well as all sorts of other 'set in stone' situations across our families). One by one we started to break them and in the end it all turned out OK and everyone was fine with the new normals.

Your parents sound very controlling. I have an only child and I dread being like this with my DD in the future. I hope I have the grace to let her come and go as she pleases with other families. Your post did make me think I must watch out and not become a wierdo in this respect.

My MIL insisted Christmas could only be at her home and expected us to travel for it. "It's just not the same since you stopped coming." We were the ones with young children and it was just too hard to travel between both sets of parents with them and that wasn't my idea of a children's Christmas - on the road. I asked them their opinion and they just wanted to be home and play with their toys.

So I issued an open door invitation - they knew where we were, they could join us if they wanted to. Rejected proposal by the ILs, my parents came on Christmas Eve. I'd have been happy to take turns and sometimes have our turn in our home, but that wasn't wasn't wanted.

Tell them how you plan to do Christmas and they can deal with it. You're adults now and things change.

Oh please don't do the travelling when youre so pregnant. I remember the misery of baby stopping moving after 4 hour trip to in-laws. Scan revealed ok but the in-laws were livid with me for going to get it checked out on boxing day.
Stay home. Set boundaries now.

Go for the nuclear option.....move down to where your in laws live???

But no, you are not unreasonable to not want to see your parents (or anyone for that matter) on Christmas day, if you want to stay home, stay home and relax 💐

The deciding factor here is your comfort as a heavily pregnant woman. That comes FIRST - not whether your DH wants to see his parents. A ten hour drive is going to need carefully planning. I wouldn’t do it in one go to be honest. If you go, I’d insist on breaking the journey and having an overnight stop. In my experience, men need to have this kind of thing explained to them - they think that you’re just sitting down while they’re driving so what’s the problem but you might end up very uncomfortable and it won’t be good for baby.

@Maray1967 due to epilepsy my DH can't drive atm. He's honestly very understanding as are his parents. They offered to pay for train tickets instead so I didn't need to drive (due to the state of the trains and distance I'd rather not, we'd probably get stranded somewhere!). I also know I'd be waited on hand and foot by all of them. Last time we visited I had a carrier bag of rubbish from the journey and they told DH off for letting me carry it, which pissed my DH off because he had told me to leave and he'd get it but I told him he was being ridiculous 😂. He wouldn't complain at me taking breaks.

@Mulhollandmagoo due to jobs we're pretty restricted to the area. We'd actually have a better chance of jobs closer to my parents but I prefer the distance!

We've decided that once baby is here we're doing Christmas at home. DH ideally wants one last Christmas with his family. I'm more tempted to have Christmas home this year also as it causes less stress for me with my parents (they'll kick off anyway but staying home will be less of a 'fuck you' in their eyes than going to DH family instead). If I said I wasn't feeling up to the drive he would be fine about it, but right now I'm actually feeling pretty good and don't think it would be a problem but I know a lot can change in a month.

My parents refuse to travel for Christmas. They moved into their house in their early 20s when they married and have spent every christmas in it since and have never allowed visitors (they claim I'm not a visitor and that its always my home even when i 'stay elsewhere' 99.99% of the time). They would only let my DH come because I told them I was going to be spending Christmas with him come what may so if he wasn't welcome that would take their house out of consideration. They don't even let their parents or siblings visit.

THIS would drive me mad. My parents also initially expected DH and I to alternate years although when they (my parents) were a young couple they always did Christmas in their own home. Same for DH’s parents. Yet somehow both thought when DH and I were in the same position that we’d travel to them and the idea what we wouldn’t really shocked them.

Honestly OP, your parents sound incredibly hard work.

That's probably one of the tamer things they've done. I could fill a whole very outing threat of their bat shit nonsense but most of it is just so ridiculous it's funny rather than some of the really malicious stuff I've heard on here from others.

You hear of some MIL spreading rumours through the family to turn them against you? In my case its more likely to be they tell family we've 'fallen out' then tell them it's because they came over and saw we have home brand tomato ketchup than heinz 😂. They laugh and ask what the real reason is not realising that IS the real reason. But my parents don't tell me we've fallen out ... so I hear all this from the people they've tried to bitch about me to. Then I ask them if we've fallen out the next time I speak to them and claim to know nothing about it 🤔.

DH and I did separate christmases until our now 3yo arrived, we now do Christmas just the three (soon to be 4) of us and it is sooo much less stressful.
Both sets of our parents live within 30 minutes of us so we don't quite have the same issue as you with distance but we see one side of the family for a meal on Christmas Eve and one side on Boxing Day which works really nicely for us. If I was you I'd put my foot down and do Christmas by yourselves, invite them for a couple of days each over the Christmas period and if they choose to accept is upto them.
What settled it for us is the fact as DD gets older she isn't going to want to leave all her new toys that she's just got from Santa and go off visiting family for the day so we started it from the get go so nobody could complain.

I would get on a plane to somewhere lovely and tell the respective parents that they are being unreasonable. At your age, you can spend your tinevhowever you like, and it's nobody else's business.

Sorry, I see that you are heavily pregnant..... in that case, you & your partner stay at home, just the two of you, and get plenty of rest. Absolutely no family members allowed!

Your parents have had their turn. Time to suit yourselves. You and DP are a family now.

Don't expose your child to this nonsense. Have every Christmas at your home. Don't be travelling long distances whilst pregnant. Enjoy your last Christmas with you DH before the baby arrives.

Lie and tell your parents you’re staying at home, whether you are or not.

Then see how you feel with driving up. With my second in particular, I remember at 8 months being INCREDIBLY uncomfortable as a passenger in the car on an hour’s journey. You may well not be up to it- but you could tell the DPils that you’ll wait and see, if that doesn’t mess them about too much.

Ok think about next year and work back.

So where would baby's first Christmas be? Home? Inlaws?

I think you have the FOG. Your H sounds amazing.

If you don't go to his parents this year would you be happy with next?

I think you are wanting to stay at home to avoid the fallout of going to his parents. You are going to have to address this at some point.

Counselling would be good for you.

My own experience tells me that once you have a DC to cart around, you are more likely to want to have Christmas at home as a family, rather than carting everything around with you. Since our children were very young, we’ve stayed home at Christmas and hosted anyone who cared to join us, because honestly it was just easier for us to do that.
In a nutshell, I wouldn’t be making plans for the future until after you’ve got your DC. This year, you are heavily pregnant, so put yourself first and do whatever works for you. Wherever you feel the most comfortable. If that’s with your parents - them great. If it’s at home with your partner, then do that. If it’s travelling to see his parents, then that’s ok as well. And be clear with everyone that you will see how things are next year before deciding on the future. Easier to be non committal at this stage than having to backtrack later on.

Your parents sound very selfish and manipulative. I've had this kind of thing too - how I dealt with it pre and post counselling is a world apart...

I would have a Christmas at home this year - you'll be heavily pregnant for a start. If your parents want to then (and you want/could tolerate this too) they can come and stay in a b&b local to you and spend Christmas with you (I know you've said they won't but that is their choice - it doesn't mean the option shouldn't be given to them every time). They will sob - let them (again their choice to but themselves first and then emotionally manipulate you into doing what they want), fully expect it.

I would seriously consider not travelling for Christmas at all then (having a young child) and instead alternate visiting for Easter instead.