To ask how you would do christmas

[ChristmasDecisions]

DH and I have parents that live several hours apart. Scotland and South East England so not quite as far apart as you can get but pretty close! We live on the Scottish side of the border so significantly closer to my parents. Typically we do Christmas with our parents individually because of the distance but we've not celebrated a single Christmas together in the 6 years we have been together and I'm due our first baby in the New Year.

I'm an only child so my parents start sobbing hysterically at the idea of not seeing me on Christmas day (relationship with DH is strained due to their behaviour). We're closer to them so they think traveling to his parents is us punishing them (well me punishing them due to his influence 🙄).

Thought about swapping one family Christmas, one new years and rotating each year but my DH is (understandably and completely their fault) resistant to this due to said strained relationship. We both get on well with DHs family.

So wise mumsnetters what should we do?

How are they interfering with your soon to be baby? Are they imagining you’ll be spending all your time with them on maternity leave?

Honestly I think you need to put your husband first and go to his parents. It’s a super long drive so you probably won’t want to do it next year with a young baby. Give them their turn this year. I can see your husbands point, it’s like he and his family are being punished for your parents behaviour.

Prepare for telling your parents and stick to your guns. Repeat the same phrase ‘we’re going to blah parents this year, your turn will be next year with the new baby.’ Refuse to engage in discussion. You also say they are the gatekeepers to the rest of your family. Start making relationships with them now, getting contact details etc because tbh it sounds like you’ll be no contact with your parents in a few years.

All go to a hotel in Peak District would be nice.

Take turns. One year at his parents, one year at your parents, one year at your own home.

Don't just see your parents.

When are you due? I don’t think you should travel so far while so close to due date - it will be uncomfortable, that amount of time in a car could increase chance of blood clots etc. then there is what happens if you go into labour? Either on the way/way back and you will have to find a strange hospital or while at in-laws. What if you or the baby needed to stay in for weeks due to complications?

I also wouldn’t want DH to go so far from me for the above reasons plus if you went into labour he would most likely not make it in time so see his child being born.

there is a little part of me that because of the above would both go to your parents for the day and suffer through it knowing that next year when the baby is almost one you can go to your in-laws when they get the privilege of the baby’s first Xmas and your parents can’t (but will still) moan as they had this year with you so next year is in-laws turn!

My parents are 'gatekeepers' in that they can and would stop me being able to contact my grandparents. As for other family members, they go to their houses all the time. They know what my parents are like and due to the hysterics they would also shut me out just to keep the peace.

They will never be left unsupervised with baby. They have been told my due date is 3 weeks after the actual due date. Any bad behaviour with baby and they're out. But I doubt it's likely until they're older. They're great when you're following what they want, its as baby gets older and starts saying no to them and wanting to do own things thats when they go nuts.

IF you are prepared to travel for the next couple of Christmases, go to DH's this year so you can go to yours next year. Your parents get the better end of the deal as they'll get the first year with the baby.

However it sounds a bit miserable for DH, and at some point you probably are going to switch to staying at home. They won't like you not visiting but they must on some level understand that it's inevitable sometime, especially if they won't come to you and they are not welcoming to DH. It's a process you'll have to go through sometime.

The obvious answer is invite both sets to you but that doesn't work if ILs have caring responsibility.

The next best answer is to alternate who you go to.
That drive sounds horrific so I'd suggest your parents this year, his next year. And I'd be looking at taking the train for next. Sod having a 10 hr drive with a baby in the car.

Maybe do an alternate Christmas with one lot, Easter with the other.

Think how you want it to be long term abs remember the issue of hiding Santa presents in a couple of years. I do know someone who took photos of the Santa presents under the tree, ready for them getting home a few days after Christmas.

Tell both sets of parents you will not be splitting up your family for holidays and you will not be taking a baby or child on any crazy whirlwind traveling tours to squeeze in seeing everyone.

you can still host in your home. There are there’s wonderful places called hotels. The grandparents sleep at them and then just come to your house for a pleasant visit. Everyone is much happier because you aren’t all piled on top of one another and everyone gets a little break when needed.

if they really wont travel and you do want to see them, the. I would start alternating visits each year, but you may find that you want even these alternated visits to not take place on Christmas Day once you have a baby.

I don’t think your child should have to deal with the manipulative psychological abuse of these grandparents, and I wouldn’t subject them to it personally.

As for Christmas, go to in-laws this year, and have Christmas at home with your baby from
next year.

Well, if his patents can’t come and yours won’t some, I would invite both, and enjoy a nice quiet Christmas at home.

Just overbearing. They started with calling 5 times a day (I normally talk to them once every 2 weeks to once a month). Asking for photos etc. I just didn't answer. They called the police for a welfare check once when I wasn't answering but got told they were being ridiculous when they admitted to speaking to me a matter of hours prior. They now text daily asking how me and baby are doing but I just say 'we're fine thanks' every couple days and speak to them same as before.

They did at a family party suggest for childcare when I go back to work I could drop baby off Sunday afternoon and pick up after work on Friday. I couldn't help myself and laughed a lot and complimented them on the good joke. Everyone else was laughing too so they had to play it off like it was a joke and haven't bought it up since.

They do sound quite peculiar. I say this not to be mean, but because I found it incredibly helpful and validating when people said the same about mine.

Keep that sense of perspective. You'll need it.

You can’t expect your parents to get priority every year when you have your own child. Ridiculous behaviour sobbing to try and make you do what they want.

Once the baby comes you celebrate Christmas in your own home.
Christmas Eve - visit your parents
Christmas Day - stay home, celebrate as a nuclear family
Boxing Day or New Years - go to his family's home. Maybe plan an overnight stay at a B&B so he gets more time with his family.

They sound bazaar, I'm going to ask are you quite young, ie do they think you'll struggle to cope with work and baby?

Or are they stuck in the parenting teenager stage not quite got to the full on adult relationship?
Can't quite accept you've grown up and have a life of your own?

They are so peculiar! 100% I truly appreciate this. Growing up no one ever wanted to tell me their behaviour wasn't normal and that meant I spent much longer than I should have on appeasement.

I got in bad relationships, making excuses for my ex's, because I'd spent my life making excuses for my parents. It's taken a lot of work to get where I am now, learn how to form healthy relationships and communicate normally.

It's that work thats enabled me to have the level of relationship I have with my parents now. I can now set the boundaries and maintain them. It's not perfect and I will always need to do more work but I'm grateful for how far I have come and that I will now be a much better parent to my child because of it.

Late 30's with a masters degree, lived independently since 18! Not sure they even really accepted me becoming a teenager tbh 😂

My suggestion would be to start creating new traditions with both sides a bit separate from Christmas that will work with kids, and spend actual Christmas at home. E.g. the weekend before Christmas you go up or down to one set and do a carols concert / visit reindeer / something festive. And then maybe new year or first weekend in Jan with the other set for a similar new tradition e.g. pantomime.

Takes the pressure off Christmas itself, so you can just enjoy that at home, but also create some really special/precious things that the baby will grow up enjoying and have great memories of later on.

But also, if your parents are awks and objectionable then bollocks to them - go to husband's fam and enjoy yourselves!

"They sound bazaar, I'm going to ask are you quite young"

@Dinoteeth patronising much? Also, Bazaar? 😅

10 hours is too far.

I would go to DH's parents this year and then leave next year TBC. If you think they really will not travel to you then I would 100% invite them knowing they will say no, and then you've also done your bit!

I wouldn't mention that you are going to DH's parents either until later if at all.

Now is good time to get them used to the fact that you won't be able to do exactly what they want going forward.

Hahaha 😆 😂 no wonder your family all laughed at the thought of them basically raising your baby 😄

Keep working on those boundaries, and remember that old MN saying No is a complete sentence.

I'm glad you recognise that their manipulation really isn't good or healthy.

Your parents' tears are designed to manipulate you and guilt you into doing what they want. It's a form of control. I would treat them like tantrumming toddlers and just ignore them. Spend Xmas how YOU would like, and continue to work on your boundaries.

By the way, you mention they gatekeep your relationship with other family members. I can't help wonder if this is their intention? Another way to keep you in line.

OP, I also think you would find this book really helpful as well:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Legacy-Reclaiming/dp/0553814826/ref=sr11_1?crid=JNB1P0KJWLRM&keywords=toxic+parents+susan+forward&qid=1668307645&sprefix=Toxic+par%2Caps%2C333&sr=8-1

I’d go to your dh.sounds like it their turn anyway if you go by that rule of thinking.it’s jot fair for him to miss out.and it sounds like you’d actually quite like to go there too.
it would be nice to have the last few free days the two of you away I think,and pampered and cooked for.
Plus then next year you can say it’s babies first Christmas so it will just be you.
don’t go to your parents this isn’t fair on your dh.
mand grey rock your parents.simply state the facts.it’s dh family year to host so you will go there.and either have Xmas eve with them or another day before or after for a. Visit.

Your late 30's, don't even start this. Keep Christmas your family and child and that's what makes you happy .you will ruin all your Christmas travelling and stressing about making everyone else happy. Don't start it or will become a tradition (expected). Christmas is for your child, they can make it special for your baby, but don't destroy their day by dragging them around unappreciating family members. They are just selfish