To ask how you would do christmas

[ChristmasDecisions]

DH and I have parents that live several hours apart. Scotland and South East England so not quite as far apart as you can get but pretty close! We live on the Scottish side of the border so significantly closer to my parents. Typically we do Christmas with our parents individually because of the distance but we've not celebrated a single Christmas together in the 6 years we have been together and I'm due our first baby in the New Year.

I'm an only child so my parents start sobbing hysterically at the idea of not seeing me on Christmas day (relationship with DH is strained due to their behaviour). We're closer to them so they think traveling to his parents is us punishing them (well me punishing them due to his influence 🙄).

Thought about swapping one family Christmas, one new years and rotating each year but my DH is (understandably and completely their fault) resistant to this due to said strained relationship. We both get on well with DHs family.

So wise mumsnetters what should we do?

Oooh OP, I would tell your parents you’re staying at home this year in case you go into labour. Just tell them you need to be close to the hospital you plan to have your baby in and also want your DH there in any event. They can’t go into histrionics about that. It’s a genuine excuse. Once you’ve broken the news to them and they’ve let it sink in that you won’t be going to them, you can plan to go to your DH’s parents if you wish. They don’t need to know your plans.

Go to your PIL, you can decide if once your baby’s arrived you want to alternate or just spent time with the people who seem to like you, not a version of you from 30 years ago.

it sounds like your parents chose to not see their own parents at Christmas, they can hardly be surprised you don’t see them. (Well they will be because selfish people never think that they might get treated the way they treated others)

Your parents sound horribly manipulative and difficult.

Why not decide to change it all entirely to centre around your family unit from now on? Christmas at your house, and you can alternate which family gets invited.

I’d be telling my parents that they have to treat my husband better though.

Go to his parents this year yours sound like a nightmare
BUT
put all of them on full warning that you are NOT travelling anywhere with a baby/toddler...that buys you at least 3 or 4 yrs.

I was going to say to spend it with your parents as they will be alone otherwise but your DP's parents have a full house. But as I read more about your parents, I changed my mind. I now think you should stay at home or spend it with DP's lovely parents, whichever you prefer, and your parents will just have to accept it. Go and see them at some point between Christmas and New Year.

Do absolutely whatever you want to do! Me and DP have a 14 month old together, and this year we are staying at home. Going forward I plan on staying at home and seeing family on other days. My DP has always gone to his parents for Christmas day, the past 2 Christmases I have gone with him, so not seeing my family. When his mum found out we were staying at home this year and my mum was coming over for dinner she had a complete meltdown. Saying how is it fair to leave her and her DH alone on Christmas day, after everything they have done for us (they have helped us financially a few times so apparently that means we have to accommodate them every Christmas). She's ruined Christmas for me now, I'm just not looking forward to it. But one thing it has made me realise and decide is, me and DP are going to do whatever we want on Christmas day going forward and I'm not pulling my DD away from her presents to drive her here there and everywhere to appease everyone else.

We've decided that once baby is here we're doing Christmas at home. DH ideally wants one last Christmas with his family. I'm more tempted to have Christmas home this year also as it causes less stress for me with my parents (they'll kick off anyway but staying home will be less of a 'fuck you' in their eyes than going to DH family instead). If I said I wasn't feeling up to the drive he would be fine about it, but right now I'm actually feeling pretty good and don't think it would be a problem but I know a lot can change in a month.

I was going to say that once you have a baby you will want to do Christmas in your own home, just yourselves.

TBH I would be tempted to go to your DH family this Christmas as it will be the last chance. You know your parents are completely batshit so just ignore.

Actually as LC as possible given the way they are. I worry for you when they are older or one is left alone!

I completely understand why you want to stay home this year but it does seem a bit of a shame that your DH wants to spend one Christmas with his family as you said you'll be staying at home once the baby is here.
Driving all that way whilst heavily pregnant wouldn't be much fun though.
I'd really look into the train option more.

Sorry @ChristmasDecisions - I've only just spotted you posted your OP two weeks ago and have already made your decision! I hope it goes well for you and your parents cope with the transition well.

Thanks all, I've long accepted the transition won't be taken well. I've said I won't be going to them but its not what they want to hear so they keep chatting about what 'we' will do like I haven't said anything and changing the subject when I remind them I won't be there.

To them staying at home is a slap in the face, leaving them alone 'without their baby' and how Christmas means nothing without me as its all about children. Yes, they mean almost 40 yo me and not their unborn GC.

Going to my DH's is in their eyes me starting a nuclear war. They literally have marked on a calendar before when we've spent time with my DH family in some weird attempt to compare it to 'their time'. Literally like a custody battle. They got put on major info diet, I don't tell them plans. I'm going to see how I feel nearer the time and whether I'm up for the drive and what the conditions will be like.

Using how pregnant as I am as an excuse to avoid stress doesn't work as I've told them the wrong due date due to their behaviour (thankfully with being number 1 I've carried small and shown late!). They think I'm 3 weeks less than I am.

As soon as we had children we stopped visiting anyone on Christmas Day, we spent Christmas eve with in laws and Boxing Day with my parents.

Go to your DH's parents' home for Christmas.

Your parents need to be put firmly in their place. When they call to cry, tell them you're sorry they feel that way...

You need to get in touch with the family members on your side ahead of time and get their contact details. You need to start developing a relationship with your own relatives that bypasses your parents.

Talk to your relatives about your batshit parents.

Having read the bit about the chips - you need to get your locks changed before the baby arrives. Do not give your parents a spare key. Do not tell them you're changing the locks.

I’d just go to his parents and enjoy yourself.

They sound like they want to pretend that you ever grew up and want to keep you (and your children) to themselves.

@KillingLoneliness we will be staying home after DC arrives. Issue otherwise is that due to distance, we'd need to spend a few days at his parents house to make it worth it. My parents see it as a personal insult that we go down to his parents for a week but never stay overnight at theirs. We live about an hour away and they don't have enough beds so staying at their house invovles at least one of us sleeping on the floor or sofa.

@mathanxiety they have never had a key to anywhere I've lived since I moved out. As I said, I know they're batshit. As soon as I turned 18 I moved banks, new phone contract in my name, had to get a new passport etc. Basically everything to make sure they had none of my details (which resulted in a hefty NC period). For various reasons my relatives are well aware of their nonsense but choose to ignore it. They would pass on pics and info to my parents. They don't want to be on the other end of my parents wailing and will not stand against them. They would rather have no contact with me.

@TwoBlueFish indeed. They wanted a baby expecting a baby forever. It genuinely seemed not to occur to them I'd have my own life and thoughts. I think they see the baby as their right to replace me since I left them. They will not be having unsupervised contact.

We shall see if we're still LC or NC by the new year!

I would work it out over three years,one year at dh parents, one at your parents and one at your home for both christmas and New year. Start as you mean to go on. At yours this year, your parents next (as you see more of inlaws) then in laws. If you want to invite people to you on your year it is up to them if they make it or not. Set your stall out and don't show any weakness.

@KillingLoneliness we will be staying home after DC arrives. Issue otherwise is that due to distance, we'd need to spend a few days at his parents house to make it worth it. My parents see it as a personal insult that we go down to his parents for a week but never stay overnight at theirs. We live about an hour away and they don't have enough beds so staying at their house invovles at least one of us sleeping on the floor or sofa.

Just be careful that you and your child don't miss out on Christmases that you would enjoy with your DH's family to suit your parents. That really wouldn't be fair on either of you (or your DH).

They're going to be insulted anyway. They're going to make a fuss. So you might as well get the best of it.

I would do a three year rota - your inlaws, your parents, home... That way you get two peaceful years and one with your inlaws.

Being only an hour away if you're at home every year I'd bet on a fair number of emergency situations that require you to come round on Christmas Day...

To update, we went to DHs parents. I got waited on hand and foot and we had a lovely time. My parents don't know we went because when I called them on christmas they refused to speak to me. Slammed the phone down when they heard my voice. According to my aunt they convinced themselves I was joking and was planning on turning up to 'surprise them'. I've not spoken to them since and they are now telling everyone how I abandoned them on christmas.

I'm not hugely surprised, what did surprise me was how little it bothered me. A few years ago that would have left me in tears on christmas, instead I rolled my eyes and went back to eating chocolate and watching films.

Hope to all had a merry christmas and New year!

Stop pandering to your emotionally manipulative parents.

That's great news @ChristmasDecisions
Well done.
Now you know that you can have a lovely time and not be bothered by the emotional manipulation, you can do it again and again.