To think the bar is so low for men?

[TheBarIsSoLow]

I’m so sick of hearing people proclaim the sun shines out of DHs arse because he occasionally looks after his own children.

He’s generally a good dad but is by no means perfect, he runs much shorter on patience than I would like some days but my family have seen him change a nappy and her takes our older DD swimming at the weekend so he’s apparently a hero.

AIBU to be frustrated the bar is set so low just because he’s the man?

Yes it is frustrating!

They do the bare minimum and are applauded for it.

Man I wish DH would do the bare minimum, or really any parenting / housework

Sigh

Anyway yanbu

And this is exactly why these useless men exist because women like you sigh and enable it.

It is. My sister married one of these guys and it breaks my heart. She thinks it’s funny he drinks whole week from one mug until they get new dishwasher, so he doesn’t need to wash the dishes. I think he’s just lazy and disgusting for being this way. It makes me wonder why women marry such guys? Are they in love and blind or they’re just scared of loneliness?

Yup "sure he was arrested for offences against a child but THAT was clearly made up and accusing him of rape! Ooh he would never do she clearly made those handprints on her own neck" (more than one relationship so not the same people)

He is such a dedicated father she is such a BITCH for going via the CSA he said he payed her ALL the time

He doesn't see his kids as often as he would like but she "won't let him" yes he has been naughty telling her he has a headache and can't see them 😏 but she probably just wanted rid of them anyway and I know she shows people that text messages where he says he wants to cut down his access but she probably made it up

The bar is underground at this point

YANBU.

Its especially bad on MN these days. Fawning over a man because he can put a wash on. Pathetic!

Always strikes me that there are so many domestically useless men who get confused at how a sandwich works but also loads of men in high paying jobs. Almost hard to believe they’re the same men - it’s like they’re useless on purpose or something <rubs chin>

I’m sorry but I think this is you and yours. It doesn’t happen in my family or any of my friends, so I think because you take it and uour family doesn’t give you the right to decide everyone lives like this. They don’t.

All of your family and friends have husbands who do 50% or more of the household chores and mental load?

It's more complicated than just having standards as a women though. Some people repeat the behaviour they have seen in relationships, so dad didn't do any chores, they think that is normal and so don't expect it of their partner. Sometimes their self worth is so low they don't appreciate that they deserve better.

The bar isn't set low in my house. Dh is just as capable a parent as me and does his fair share. I wouldn't settle for anything less, we talked about this before we got married and had kids. If I thought he wasn't pulling his weight and vice versa we would each raise it. Is it set low in society as a whole, absolutely yes. I have to remind people that my dh isn't doing me a favour by taking care of his own kid's.

Surely thats kind of your issue as well , did you not marry a guy that did his share
My dh isn't perfect and neither am I , but we do a fair split overall, I might have a week where i do less and he does more and vice versa
Certain jobs one of us maybe does more than the other because they are better at it
Most of my friends and families have dh / dp like this apart from a few older ones
MY dad has always shared all with my mum though so I guess i expected that and to me it was normal

Have 2 ds as well and they chip in as they know we all make the mess etc we all have to clean it

Good parenting standards for men end where good parenting standards for women start.

It's awful. And I married one of the acceptable ones.

I don’t believe you.
I’ve yet to meet a couple with children where the man takes a fair share of the mental load.
You might be one of the vanishingly rare lucky ones.
My family all think the men of the family are great husbands and fathers, in reality they all do the bare minimum and the women (apart from me) are overly impressed at the little they do. They are lovely men, but they do not pull their weight within their own families.

I've had this exact conversation with my DH where I pointed out he gets praise for everything he does (not from me but from family) even if it's a normal day-to-day activity.

According to my parents, I should be giving DH a break if he's looked after the DCs for a few hours and shouldn't be annoyed he's not managed to keep the house tidy. I should also ask my DH to do chores and not just expect him to do these off his own back.

It's actually painful hearing these stupid comments.

Been single the last 4 weeks after finding out my partner of close to 10 years (on and off at the beginning but have 7 year old daughter and solid last 5 years. Trusted him entirely and he only used to do the school runs and occasionally do their tea. That’s it! I did everything else even though severely disabled. Well it ended when someone came to show me his hidden phone and he had been drinking (ex alcoholic) and cheating for a year. Said awful lies too about me. I threw him immediately out. House has been cleaner since then. Life has actually been simpler and in a few weeks when my eldest goes to his fathers for the weekend my daughter will be staying at his for the weekend so I even start getting some free time.

I wish we had ended things sooner really. He wasn’t doing enough to help and I was often left frustrated. I guess loneliness stopped me (have no real friends) but honestly I am happier than I thought I would be. Doing the school run disabled is a pain (literally) but doable. Putting on tea is easy. I plan on using my future free weekends maybe looking for a hobby to meet people/make friends.

If anyone is worried about ending things please don’t. Honestly, if I can do it in a wheelchair and friendless then anyone can! Life is strangely calmer too (probably because I am not getting secretly annoyed about him leaving mess). The next relationship I get into my boundaries will be strongly in place from the beginning and when I know them well enough 12-18 months to meet the children I expect them to pull their weight without a round of applause. My 11 year old son knows more about how to treat partners fairly than grown men because I am determined that whoever he ends up with doesn’t end up with a man child (or cheat/liar).

I agree. Almost everyone I speak to or meet or who knows us seems to think my dh is a Prince amongst men. He cleans, tidies, looks after the children and has a job (same as me) He is lauded as amazing. He is great, but does he do 50%? Of the physical load yes. Mental? Absolutely not. I have to keep all the dates in my head, all the plans, book the appointments. I only need tell him the plans and the dates and he'll do what needs done, but the fact that I have to hold that information ready always means I'm doing more. And it's entirely unrecognised. What's More, often people cast him as the main parent, or the "better" partner, because they see him do so much- but it's all orchestrated by me and I do my 50% too! I'm sooooo often told how grateful I should be, how lucky I am, but no one ever says the same of him.

My MIL asked me if I was worried about the housework not getting done after I'd had an emergency C section. I said hubby has been doing it, she gleefully told her friend "insert sons name" has been doing starpops housework. I said my house work? It's our housework he lives here too, she looked at me open mouthed like I was a bitch.

Totally agree OP and it sucks! Also whenever this gets discussed women get the blame for allowing men to behave this way but that also frustrates me because yet again it's put on the woman!

It’s not that DH doesn’t pull his weight, he definitely does. I do more with the children but he does more housework/ life admin type stuff.

Its just so frustrating that he’s praised to the moon for doing really basic stuff. Nobody would ever comment “lucky him” if I said I ran the hoover round but mention that he does it and it’s all “aren’t you lucky?” And “he’s a keeper”

Nobody is queuing up to tell me what a lovely mum I am because I look after the kids but people can’t get enough of saying how wonderful he is for doing the exact same stuff I do. That’s the bit that really annoys me!

My ex after EIGHT YEARS still expects to be told when the school holidays are they are on the website I stopped reminding him years ago because he said I know when they are and told people I was controlling so the following holiday I text him in the morning your late getting the kids I've got work (he used to have them in the holidays on "his day" for a full day) he would panic and say my cars broken down ok 👍 I'm on my way round I will drop them off total panic oooh ummm I'm not home ummm I'm out I broke down on the way home from a mates house meanwhile I'm at work and the kids are with a friend who covered me following holiday a repeat of the same nonsense it got really stupid so I just leave him to it make other arrangements

What is the cause of all these useless men existing?

The patriarchy.

I truly wonder about it. The patriarchy of course influences everything.

Does it make any difference if they aren't raised to be that way?

Far too many homes fall into traditional roles once children come along.

We know it keeps happening but I'm wondering at what point it starts?

My DH was raised with very traditional roles at home. His mum didn't work after marriage and his dad has always had really masculine-type roles (miner etc.). He cooks, cleans and parents. Cleans much better than I do. Why is he different? I don't know. I wish I did so I could bottle it and rub it on passing men.

wonder instead at what point it stops
but don't blame women for putting up with it
not everyone has a choice

My niece has a 2 year old, her partner is a good dad, however, I have never said anything to her or him about this. Simply because she is also a good mum. I do notice he takes a fair & equitable share of looking after their child & does most of the cooking as he is a good cook & enjoys it. He works full time and she works part time outside the home. They are always doing activities as a family on the weekend & will from time to time go out solo with friends etc. it’s no big deal for him to look after his child on his own, he is capable.

I deliberately don’t comment because as you say the bar is set so low for men, why praise a man for doing equal parenting etc.?