To think the bar is so low for men?

[TheBarIsSoLow]

I’m so sick of hearing people proclaim the sun shines out of DHs arse because he occasionally looks after his own children.

He’s generally a good dad but is by no means perfect, he runs much shorter on patience than I would like some days but my family have seen him change a nappy and her takes our older DD swimming at the weekend so he’s apparently a hero.

AIBU to be frustrated the bar is set so low just because he’s the man?

My DH is mostly very good. But there are some really crap men out there. From the twat with the BMW behind me today, to the men in Iran who a few days ago voted overwhelmingly to execute protesters (raping some first as their laws say you cannot execute a virgin).

The older I get the more I think we should just keep a few for breeding purposes.

Yet another thread where men are shit and women are blamed. Exactly like the OW women threads where women get blamed for where men put their dicks.

And yet another sexist trope on here where any women married to a man who is not doing 50% of the work is a weak women. Such naivety - shows no idea of the absolute strength and resilience of women in these situations.

DH and I have a pretty equal partnership- we've both been the main wage earner, SAHP and both worked part time. We're both equally willing and capable of looking after the DC, cleaning the house, organising stuff, buying family Xmas presents etc. But it irritates me that there are always people who applaud his efforts towards running the family but it's not a big deal when I do the same. When he was SAHP I was repeatedly told (by family, colleagues, other parents etc) how lucky I was that he was willing to look after the DC so I could have my career. He was applauded for changing nappies, taking the DC to playgroups, keeping them fed and clean etc. When we switched roles the same people told me how lucky I was that he was working had so I could have a bit of 'time off' with the DC. When we both worked part time my at-home days were referred to by family as my 'days off', on his at-home days he was applauded for being such a hands-on Dad.

DH only really recognised the difference when he took the DC to a holiday park for a few days on his own (I was unable to go for a number of reasons but the DC were looking forward to it so he took them). As a Dad alone with 2 small DC every member of staff went out of their way to make things easy for him- he got waitress service in self service cafes, a seat reserved for him at the mini disco every night, shopping carried for him etc. And he was also generally treated as a bit of a hero. Lone mothers with DC were expected to fend for themselves and often tutted at for holding up the queue/taking up space with their buggies etc.

So she should just not provide anything for her kids and force him to step up? For how many days?

Oh that sounds shit. I’m really sorry. Not sure what it was for me, I just knew it would be fine. In fact, I think my husband probably does more in the way of childcare (early morning wake ups in weekends, brings me a coffee whilst he sorts breakfast out, but then I come down and cook him a proper breakfast). I do finance and holiday bookings as I love it. I also do cooking, he washes up and tidied everything before bed. We used to split cleaning, but after children we got a cleaner and it’s the best money we have ever spent. I guess I’m not worried about just leaving him to deal with things, I’d happily go out and leave him with the newborn/toddler for a break (lunch/walk/etc). He’s a parent, I could die tomo and he’d have to just get on with it. I think you just need to let him get on with it. What would happen if you just went away for a day/week?

Absolutely!

Then you have the smug comments of "why did you have a child with...."???

Unfortunately we are not all blessed with crystal balls.

I don’t think people are blaming women. Yes women can be strong (so can any sex), but it gets to a point that if you don’t do anything to change the status quo, then yes, you are just moaning. If you’ve tried everything and they’re still being a dick, then fair enough and to trot out a trope - LTB!! I’ve seen so many people on here moan, but not do anything about it. Just stop doing things. Yes the children might be late for school, yes they might be wearing mis matched, have a crappy diet for a day. It’s not going to hurt for a week or so. But if your other half doesn’t see that as a problem, and will happily neglect their child whilst you don’t pick up the slack for once, then is that the person you want to be with? And what sort of message are you giving your children that it’s ok for the ‘mum’ to do all those things?

I’ve seen it happen, my friend did everything for the kids, he left her and has had a baby with the new woman. The child went back to her mum (after staying at the dad’s house), and was appalled that the new partner had left him to put the baby to bed (the baby was crying and the dad couldn’t cope). My friend explained that he’s had to do it once a week and the mum does it every night without complaint and that my friend herself did it every night. Is this the norm we want our children to grow up in?

Would be a blessing if some men had no balls at all...

Agreed.

You see it on here too when there’s a thread from a poster worried about going away for the weekend and leaving the DC with their dad. The number of responses saying a weekend in their pjs with takeaway won’t hurt them. No. Why is their dad not expected to carry on with their usual routine and give them a home cooked meal.

The easy option should be reserved for the person who does the most and then hits the wall with exhaustion.

I have also noticed that while single mums are demonised by society, single dads are absolutely worshipped as heroes

My husband caught our last baby (#3) as she arrived before the midwives. We were at home. He was a hero. Not many people gave me any praise for birthing alone without health professionals. Successfully and calmly I might add. Even my Mum. Oh well!! All he did was hold her as she came out and pass her to me. So much fuss over him.

He also thinks he does his share. I feel it is about 25%/75% and I'm always striving to tip the balance. I work full time as does he and we earn similar money.

It is a social problem unfortunately. We can just keep striving to change things. I am bringing up my sons to realise 50/50 should be the norm.

Some people repeat the behaviour they have seen in relationships, so dad didn't do any chores, they think that is normal and so don't expect it of their partner.

I think this is true in a lot of cases. My mom stopped working when they had children as it made financial sense to do so and didn't go back to work until the youngest was 8. My dad worked long hours during this time to support the family and did no housework or parenting apart from on holidays and weekends (even then it was the bare minimum). Now in their 60s, my dad still does 0 housework because he clearly doesn't see it as 'his job', even when he recently was unemployed for months - my mom still went to work everyday and came home to clean and cook for him whilst he sat there doing nothing. My mom should've left decades ago and I'm sure she knows that.

Growing up seeing their relationship and the imbalance, I vowed to never repeat it and my DP does 50/50 of all household and child related tasks.