To think the bar is so low for men?

[TheBarIsSoLow]

I’m so sick of hearing people proclaim the sun shines out of DHs arse because he occasionally looks after his own children.

He’s generally a good dad but is by no means perfect, he runs much shorter on patience than I would like some days but my family have seen him change a nappy and her takes our older DD swimming at the weekend so he’s apparently a hero.

AIBU to be frustrated the bar is set so low just because he’s the man?

I’ve yet to meet a couple with children where the man takes a fair share of the mental load

Me and my DH do. Genuinely share pretty much all tasks - in fact, he probably does slightly more. But we are pretty rare, I think.

It actually does surprise me, given how DH was brought up - his mum did everything for DH, his brother and his dad. Even took DH breakfast in bed and the newspaper before school when he was 10 years old! I was shocked and cross when I witnessed how she ran round after them all. Before we first moved in together, I told my DH that if he ever expected me to wait on him hand and foot the way his mum did, I would be out the door like a shot. It worked, and he's always pulled his weight.

I've absolutely no idea why any woman would put up with this. Set your boundaries and stick to them, early doors

You married/had children with them. Why is your judgment so poor?

@Dontaskdontget More fool you for putting up with it. He does the bare minimum, because YOU allow him to get away with it. Woman up and tell him whats what and to pull his weight. You're to blame for being a handmaiden and rolling over and letting him get away with it.

Wrong. Women DO have a choice to put up with it or walk. They always have a choice.

the less the man does with children/home/mental load the more expect him to earn. so for 1M income a year i'm happy to take it on.
for 25K hell no.

I’m surprised my ex hasn’t yet been on the honours list

he once took ds to a routine hospital appointment (not a serious issue at all) he wasn’t working and I was doing exams

the praise he received even from friends was ridiculous you think he had found the cure for cancer

I can only guess he turned down the knighthood

It’s very annoying. My brother is a single dad he actually walks on water so great is he 🙄

Men do not see housework /childcare as valuable. It's as simple as that.

I go into the office biweekly. I cook dinner every single night and have done for the last 14 years, except for that one night I'm late home from the office. I texted DH when I was on the train, saying, 'on way home, what's for dinner'.

When I got home he said that it was good I'd reminded him, he'd forgotten about dinner 🤔🤔

I mean, Wtaf?? And we have two kids to feed also!

Women haven't GOT it all, they're doing it all. They work, and run the house too.

Not sure what the answer is really

I'm getting divorced soon

So why did you choose that man?

I guess it's still a relatively 'new' concept for men to take care of their children. Societal change is slower for the group resisting change to those wanting change. It's depressing, as women, to think that it's been such a long time since the '60s women's lib movement and more should have changed since then, but change and the perceptions of 'normality' suffer the effects of drag from the knuckle draggers.

We'll get there one day.

My DP was great - couldn't wait to take some time out and look after our child after my mat leave. He really cherished that time.

That was always the premise though for us having a child.

I know exactly what you mean my DH gets his praises sung by other women!

He finds it hilarious but also quite irritating when he's been out with the baby he gets offers to hold, to change and feed it's ridiculous!

Other mums comment tell me how unusual it is for him to be part time and me to be full time at work etc etc etc.

To me he's being a parent end of he's not some mythical unicorn Dad. Unfortunately they think it's acceptable for them to do a large majority or all childcare, life admin and housework!

He's still rubbish at certain jobs putting away washing is a particularly bad one but I'm rubbish at putting the bins to the road (it's a long path and a job I hate and struggle with) so it all evens out.

It seems in the animal kindom the female species of humans has quite a crap deal.

They are usually the main caregivers to offspring and becoming predominantly the protective and providing sex, regarding rearing the child.

What exactly is a man's job.
Clause: (not all men) but it's getting worse.
I wait for the redpill response 😂

Men do not see housework /childcare as valuable. It's as simple as that.

On the school run (Yr 1 child), I'd say I see a reasonable split of men doing pick up and drop offs. I see mixed groups interacting where their children are friends as opposed to the 'mum cliques' of MN lore.

Perhaps it depends on the area.

He was alright before we got married and had kids is all I can say, veni

I sometimes think I've been oversold a product!

@BeautifulWar my area it's about 10- 15% dad's do pick up.
There are a few but not many and the area has a certain proportion of offshore workers majority are male so its very skewed here!

my area it's about 10- 15% dad's do pick up.
There are a few but not many and the area has a certain proportion of offshore workers majority are male so its very skewed here!

I think it would be interesting to understand the dynamics at work.

I'd say my DC's school is mostly aspirational WC/MC where both parents work as a team to achieve their goals as a family. Grandparents and other family members are also school run regulars (including my mum).

@ABJ100 And this is exactly why these useless men exist because women like you sigh and enable it.

I divorced my lazy, entitled, POS, and guess what? He found another sucker to pick up after him while he sat on his @r$e.

Women need to raise the bar, we also need to train our sons how to cook, clean and change nappies.

I’m 50:50 split with my partner but it is frustrating when not at home that women are expected to do more. When I go to Christmas dinner at relatives house, it’s the women who help the host out. And I can’t sit and not help like the men as I’d be judged differently. Luckily for me it’s just occasions like that where it’s highlighted to me and I don’t have to put up with it regularly.

Why not make a point of making a comment about how "it's 2022 and men should be getting off their behinds and helping too, so come on you guys"?

Nothing will change, if you say nothing. All it takes is for that one brave woman to speak up and tell your partner and other men there. Don't you have a voice? Can't you use it? If you accept it and don't speak out, you are causing it to happen.

At the same time boys and men are reared to bring home the bacon but slack at household tasks, girls are reared to be compliant.
There’s no surprise that toy kitchens, appliances, dolls, things like that tend to be aimed at girls, and more adventurous toys for boys. So many parents stick to stereotypes with their children.

Also by the time a woman realises how useless her partner is it can be impossible to leave. Finances in particular.

I realised how useless my ex was after years of denial and niggling misery. There was an event that so clearly showed me who he was, and it spurred me to make a plan. He’s not an awful person, he’s just inept at any of the emotional parenting. Having disabled dc probably exacerbated it all. Had there been no crises and difficulties we’d probably still be together.

It’s unfair to blame women for choosing these men though, because at the point of choosing we don’t know what shared parenting will be like, we won’t know what will happen if the mother cuts her work hours after having children.

Hypocritically I do despair at women who leave a man and end up quickly with someone exactly the same as their ex, but I put it down to the conditioning girls have from a young age to accept and pander to mediocre men.

This

There is no bar for men.

It was brought home to me last year when my MIL was visiting.

She and my husband were sitting having a chat and a cuppa in the kitchen. I walked in and chatted with them while I was doing usual kitchen stuff, dishwasher, putting away, cleaning sink, wiping down, sweeping floor etc.

I was just finishing, when my husband says he’ll make some soup (ie heat it up from a tin). My Mil starts going on about how good he is, and how useful he is in the kitchen, “ooh he’s such a good boy”

I had just spent over 45 mins, in front of her, doing all the chores while he sat on his arse doing nothing. And she didn’t even notice that I didn’t get offered any soup either.

I suppose in retrospect that expecting my MIL to see her son honestly is like wishing for the moon.

However my future son in law is very good and usually after we’ve had a family dinner, it me and him in the kitchen, while my Dd and her dad sit and down the booze.

ALL of this! Ex hasn't seen his daughter for over a third of her life now (and he was a pretty shit father for the first 10 years that he graced us with his presence), but STILL he has people fawning over him and telling him what a fabulous father he is & how evil I am for stopping him from seeing her 🙄 He neglects to mention that he was stopped from seeing her on the advice of social services, who considered him to be a danger to her, that he wouldn't engage with them, & he hasn't sought safe contact through a court.
One of the biggest problems, though, is that his mother and other women in his life enabled this BS. He was raised to believe that he should be the King of his Castle, that child care/housework are a woman's work, but that he should also be the master of the finances. Failing to take an active role in child related tasks (including the mental load of remembering everything, organising, etc) is a form of domestic abuse if the woman is also expected to work & contribute to the finances.

In my house he did. And more.

DH does most of the housework, makes all the appointments, cooks, shops and does homework with DS. Also works and earns 3x what I do.

My sisters DH is similar.

The bar doesn’t have to be low and it annoys me when it is.