To think the bar is so low for men?

[TheBarIsSoLow]

I’m so sick of hearing people proclaim the sun shines out of DHs arse because he occasionally looks after his own children.

He’s generally a good dad but is by no means perfect, he runs much shorter on patience than I would like some days but my family have seen him change a nappy and her takes our older DD swimming at the weekend so he’s apparently a hero.

AIBU to be frustrated the bar is set so low just because he’s the man?

I think it’s a numbers game.
There are some decent men out there but for every good 100 women there are probably 50 decent men. So what do the 50 women who can’t find a good one do?
Ok some will be lesbians and some won’t bother; but I think the longing for children along with society’s expectations will mean that lots of women put up with useless men.

How does it happen? I'm attracted to proactive men who get stuff done and I thought most women were.

Why is your bar so low to pick such a shit partner to parent with?

Speaking to a work colleague who told me both her sons had kids. Ones was ‘trapped’ by his ex. When I raised my eyebrows she explained ‘Yes, she was supposed to be on the pill so contraception was her responsibility.’ I replied that actually, every individual is responsible for their own fertility and it is foolish to ever not take responsibility.
The conversation then changed to the amount of false rape accusations sone women make. I made my excuses at that point. Couldn’t listen to any more of her shit.

Some posters are a bit naive.... or something? Partner and I were together 12 years before having children. I guess I probably didn't care as much about housework then, and I suppose he must have done some. Don't remember. Realised he was pretty useless after firstborn but wanted more children and time was not on my side.

It's very facile to say glibly, don't let him away with it!! I'd love to know how you'd do this. You can talk until you are blue in the face but it makes no difference. Then you're stuck because of finances, not wanting to lose your home that you've put heart and soul into, etc.

Depends who is setting the bar. Mine is just ‘needs to do the same as me’. I can’t understand why you’d be attracted to someone that didn’t, let alone have a child with them.

YANBU. My DH was told he was a 'good dad' by a mum at event he took his own kids to because...he took them to the event. I, on the other hand, have been taking them every week for a year and never has anyone praised me as a good mum for doing so.

Yep.

My male boss had to leave work at short notice the other day to collect his DC from school as they were ill and his wife wasn’t able to leave work. I’ve never known him to need to do this before.

His secretary was going on and on about what an amazing family man this makes him, and a a group of other colleagues were cooing over it.

I silently thought ‘if he was a woman people wouldn’t have said a word’. In fact I’d go further and say this sort of ‘dedication to family’ would be a mark against a woman getting a promotion round here…

How would you know how much work they will do until you have kids though? Mine did more housework than me before we had kids. Before kids he talked excitedly about the things he would do as a Dad. Post kids - his chores have not altered. He does none of the workload relating to child rearing, except from taking them to a couple of activities I have organised and that he likes taking them to. I go on and on about this, and its a huge source or resentment on my behalf and of conflict between us. But it doesn't change. And I even in hindsight I can see nothing that could have enabled me to predict this. Everything was pointing in the other direction.

You threaten to file for a divorce if they don't change. You suggest marriage counselling. You stop cooking for them/doing their laundry so they are forced to do it.

There are soooooo many things you can do, you don't just accept it.

I often wonder about posts like this who rush to blame the woman for doing it all.

What’s the alternative? Leave your children to go hungry, and dirty, and not read to or put to bed or have clean clothes or days out, in attempt to blackmail the man into actually being a father? For how long would you have your kids live like that?

A divorce would not put many women in a better position though, in terms of workload. They would still be doing ALL of the child related work and some of those women would be doing this in poverty. Being poor creates work, not alleviates it.

Marriage counselling - don't make me laugh.
Already stopped doing his cooking/ laundry. Makes sod all difference. And that's a small amount of the workload compared to everything else.

Dontaskdontget More fool you for putting up with it. He does the bare minimum, because YOU allow him to get away with it. Woman up and tell him whats what and to pull his weight. You're to blame for being a handmaiden and rolling over and letting him get away with it.

What a nasty, blaming post.

I had a husband who didn't do anything. No matter how much I explained or told him that he needed to step up. He just...didn't. He wouldn't leave and I couldn't make him - joint mortgage. He told me I was the one who was unhappy so I should leave. You cannot force men to step up, you can't make them do the right thing. They'll only do it if they're decent anyway. Sometimes you're just too exhausted to have the 100th fight. In the end I divorced mine but not before he attacked me in front of my children and had to be removed by the police.

Yes! My DH does a lot in comparison to other partners and it's quite visual obvious things, but really there is an even split, which is how it should be a) and also because I b) have dyspraxia and ADHD so honestly things just run smoother for everyone if he does, honestly the way my parents carry on, who know more than most why it really makes sense he does certain things carry on like he's the flaming second coming for doing so and that I'm just sat around picking my nose or something whilst he does! He's not 'good' it's just a fair division of labour with people taking on certain tasks which they are better at than the other. Just common sense!

Why would you be in a relationship with, let alone have kids with someone who would let them go hungry or dirty?

How could you possibly know what they’d be like with kids before the kids come along?

Why would you be in a relationship with, let alone have kids with someone who would let them go hungry or dirty?

Do you think it happens two weeks in? Or do you think it's years in, and you've bought a home together and entwined your lives, finances and families and dismantling all that will take more energy than you could ever imagine having. So you just take on more of the load to keep your children safe until such a time as you can find a way to get him to step up, or you find a way to end the marriage. Very few women are in a position to just walk out there and then the first time it happens. It is foolish to suggest otherwise.

Also, how do you feel about sending your small, vulnerable children off for days of unsupervised time with a lazy father who has proven himself unwilling to care effectively for them?

Ah c'mon
I think its pretty easy to tell

It's certainly obvious after the 1st.

The truth is lots of women want it that way

Surely everyone has there own personal mental load.
Mental load always makes me chuckle.
Another stick to beat with, another gripe.
🤣

So definitely their fault then, and not the shit fathers? What kind of man doesn’t look after their own kid?

It's certainly obvious after the 1st.

Mine was great with the first. Such a novelty. He was a great sleeper, such an easy baby, very portable, loads of childcare and couple time because he was the first grandchild/nephew etc.

It all went sharply downhill when the second arrived and the hard work really started.

If my DH stayed sat down, I’d tell him to get up. End of.

Nope

Definitely the shit dads fault for being a shit dad

You cant control how othe
r people act. But you can control what you will tolrate

Don't put yourself in a vulnerable position. Don't have kids with an arsehole. Don't set yourself up as the default parent and doer of all things

My DH cooks the kids pancakes every morning, he empties the dishwasher, washes any left over dishes, brings me a cup of tea, all whilst I get ready for work. I can’t say anyone has ever really commented, but most of my friends have engaged DH.