Who is right here?

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Can’t work out who is right here, me or my partner?

My MIL very kindly babysat our baby for the day a few weeks ago. She doesn’t do this a huge amount and I am always grateful for her help. During this visit she managed to lose two items of the baby’s. One of which was a book she absolutely loves. This happens frequently, baby goes to her house and ends up coming back with things missing. I asked my partner if she’d replace the lost items and he absolutely hit the roof. He says I’m hugely ungrateful and the fact she was doing me a favour at the time means it doesn’t matter.

I wasn’t brought up like that. I was raised in a way that meant if you damage, break or lose something belonging to someone else you (at least offer!) to replace it.

Similar happened a while back when she looked after the baby for ah hour at our house. She damaged something in our living room. When i asked my partner if she’d sort out getting it fixed he also said I was being rude. That she was helping therefore it doesn’t matter. Yes it was our decision to accept the help, but it wasn’t my decision for her to damage something.

AIBU?

Once is a mistake, twice is embarrassing, three times is a pattern. Your parented is really out of order and your MIL should at least offer to replace your items

When your kid is older and has a friend round that breaks something or they spill something what will you do?

Dd had a friend who had a mum like you and she was so scared of her mums stressy reaction that she would actively avoid having friends at her house from a very young age.

You can't ask her to replace them. She was babysitting for free.

However I understand why you're annoyed. People who are careless with other people's property are thoughtless and irritating. Occasionally is fine but if it's a repeated pattern and no apology/offer to address the issue it really starts to grate. We employed a nanny who became increasingly careless with our kids' clothing and other possessions and she and her own children would leave mess in the house for me to deal with including food spills on new carpets and sofas. She would just shrug and giggle when i spoke to her about it. We made her redundant during the pandemic when work from home became the norm. Might have been tempted to have her back had the carelessness not been the death knell.

The carpet needs totally replacing?? I thought you said she spilt nail varnish?

Does your MIL like you? Kinda seeing a pattern here.. :-0

So you've paid a professional cleaner and they can't clean it so it needs replacing?

It’s good manners to offer but it would be bad manners if the person accepted. I was brought up to be gracious on both sides. But you weren’t entertaining your MIL anyway, she was doing you a favor that would have otherwise cost a good amount of money. If you want to avoid the cost of future accidents find another sitter or stay home.

@mamabear715 i have no idea if she likes me? I’ve been we given it much thought. We get on well though. I’m not sure how whether she likes me or not is relevant?

Claim on your House insurance for the carpet?

Nail vanish remover is good for getting nail vanish out of carpet. Your being a drama queen and a nighare dil poor mil. I'm glad her son stood up for her.

Forget that OP how much nail varnish did she manage to spill on your carpet that you now need the entire carpet replacing despite a professional clean being done?!

YABU She is a family member. Who would charge someone for an accident or for losing a baby's toy book? V odd.

You are being unkind to a family member who was doing you a favour. Either don’t accept her help in the future or suck it up, tell her that’s fine, no problem, replace the missing item yourself and move on. I’m with your partner, speaking as a grandmother, m-in-law and regular babysitter.

Equally who would knowingly go to babysit their grandchild for an hour and spend it painting their nails, or repeatedly lose the baby's things so irretrievably they can't be found?

Prob best to just leave it here. I see I’m the unreasonable one and it’s been good to get some differing views.

Thank you everyone

Yes I would hit the roof too at your audacity. The way that you asked as well, is she going to replace it sounds very irritating. she did you a favour, get over yourself.

@BattenburgDonkey they couldn’t get the mark out. It wasn’t a dollop 3/4 of the bottle spilled. Appreciate I could get a rug but it’s a nice carpet, my personal choice that’s all.

@TwinklingStarlight she wasn’t painting them whilst babysit she had it in her bag and it got knocked and spilled. I wasn’t actually there at the time to see it step by step but that’s what she told me

@ABJ100 is she going to replace it was just a simple question. Without hearing the tone you can only presume how I was implying it

I do think you’re being unreasonable. We don’t sent anything to my in laws or to daycare that can’t be replaced. We buy doubles of beloved things, just in case.

She didn’t borrow your camera and break it. She watched your child and was more focused on your child than possessions. I’d let it go or come up with other solutions.

If she was looking after baby at her home I'd expect her to find lost book and return it to you next time you see her.
The odds on the carpet situation are that if she'd offered to pay for the cleaning of it you'd have refused but just her offering would have appeased you.
I think it's good manners and expected that if you damage something in someone's home you apologize and offer help to fix/ replace it. If the host refuses the help you e done your bit.
I don't think op is being unreasonable

Exactly, your personal choice (and a totally OTT one), so you are responsible for paying for it.

they couldn’t get the mark out. It wasn’t a dollop 3/4 of the bottle spilled. Appreciate I could get a rug but it’s a nice carpet, my personal choice that’s all.

That's the whole point though isn't it?

It doesn't need to be replaced - it hasn't stopped working or anything. You're choosing to replace it so you need to be the one that pays for it (or go through insurance).

You sound like a gigantic pain in the ass, and if I was your MIL that would be the last favor I did for you.

Is this really how people interact though?
You're at a relatives house helping them out, you cause some damage completely unrelated to the help you're offering and you just walk out of there expecting your relative to just accept it as part and parcel??
I can't imagine ever living like this.