Who is right here?

[Unsurewheretogo]

Can’t work out who is right here, me or my partner?

My MIL very kindly babysat our baby for the day a few weeks ago. She doesn’t do this a huge amount and I am always grateful for her help. During this visit she managed to lose two items of the baby’s. One of which was a book she absolutely loves. This happens frequently, baby goes to her house and ends up coming back with things missing. I asked my partner if she’d replace the lost items and he absolutely hit the roof. He says I’m hugely ungrateful and the fact she was doing me a favour at the time means it doesn’t matter.

I wasn’t brought up like that. I was raised in a way that meant if you damage, break or lose something belonging to someone else you (at least offer!) to replace it.

Similar happened a while back when she looked after the baby for ah hour at our house. She damaged something in our living room. When i asked my partner if she’d sort out getting it fixed he also said I was being rude. That she was helping therefore it doesn’t matter. Yes it was our decision to accept the help, but it wasn’t my decision for her to damage something.

AIBU?

Yes, you are totally unreasonable. If you want to claim for loss and damage when your child is looked after, be sure only to employ insured and bonded childminders from agencies.

Your partner is 100% correct and you are both unreasonable and ungrateful.

How messy is her house if she can’t find a book left there the same day?

YABVU

I'm trying to picture my mum damaging something while looking after dcs and my dh asking if she's going to get it fixed. It's so seriously alien to me I can't even work out what that scenario looks like. YABVU.

Thanks everyone for the replies and feedback.

ill leave it then. appreciate all your views

I also like to take care of my things so this would bother me and I'd find favours from elsewhere because of it.

Do agree with others that you cant really complain because of the favour she was doing you.

Out of interest OP, if you had a dinner party/guests for the evening and someone spilt a glass of wine on the carpet, would you even dream of asking them to pay for it cleaning? Or would you just accept it’s part and parcel of having guests that accidents happen sometimes and sort the cleaning yourself? I’d venture it might be the latter.

My guess is, you’ve formed an opinion of your MIL that she’s a bit careless, so you’re less generous in your treatment of “incidents” than you would be if it was anyone else. But as you’re already finding, your DH will pick up on that, and inevitably defend his mum, who was doing you a favour and accidentally made a mess of the carpet/lost a couple of toys.

FWIW - the book will no doubt turn up. Not sure why you felt the need to jump straight to “will she be replacing it?” when raising it. Suggests again it’s your attitude that’s the problem.

YABU - you sound like my partner who was punished for losing/spoiling things - he completely over reacts to himself or anyone losing or spoiling the most insignificant things - continuing the cycle. YABU. Your DH is being VU for "hitting the roof"

@GiltEdges if I had a dinner party and someone else broke something or damaged like the carpet I’d like to think they’d be polite enough to offer to sort the issue or replace the broken item before I’d even have to consider asking. It’s not part and parcel of having a guest at all. You invite the guest to your home yes but you don’t expect damage as a result. Accidents happen of course they do and most of the time an apology is good enough but when it’s something costly surely that’s on them? I do find my MIL to be careless, absolutely. But I’d have the same opinion of anyone who continuously lost or damaged my items. The fact she’s my MIL is irrelevant.

Agree YWBU to expect her to replace it. Although if it's a regular occurrence that she loses DD's things I would also be annoyed and I wouldn't hesitate to call/text her and say "can you please search for X item MIL as it's DD's favourite and surely it hasn't just vanished"

Really? I can't believe anyone would expect a guest to replace a broken dish or a stained table cloth. That's just so inhospitable

Spills on upholstery. Ring marks on tables etc are just part of the risk of entertaining

We’re still waiting for you to tell us what was split on the carpet.

"Really? I can't believe anyone would expect a guest to replace a broken dish or a stained table cloth. That's just so inhospitable

Spills on upholstery. Ring marks on tables etc are just part of the risk of entertaining"

Agree 100%.

Likewise if our cleaner broke something in the course of doing her job I wouldn't expect them to replace it.

It's just a accident. And if I'd been doing my own cleaning, who's to say I wouldn't have broken it.

Yabu.

😂😂😂
Depends how many other books you have. In my house, very very easy. I think DH would like them shelved alphabetically but can't be done owing to shelf heights...

You are being vvvvvv unreasonable about your MiL.
Your dp is absolutely right about how rude it would be.

This
if I had a dinner party and someone else broke something or damaged like the carpet I’d like to think they’d be polite enough to offer to sort the issue or replace the broken item before I’d even have to consider asking. It’s not part and parcel of having a guest at all. You invite the guest to your home yes but you don’t expect damage as a result. Accidents happen of course they do and most of the time an apology is good enough but when it’s something costly surely that’s on them?
is also an odd way of thinking to me.
You seem to struggle with the concept of accidents.
It would never occur to me to offer to start trying to replace something in someone else's house if I had accidently split something. In exactly the same way, I would consider it an accident if a guest in my home accidently spilled something in my home. It's just life. If it is fixable, I'd fix it, or I'd do without it, or if a big ticket thing I'd claim on my insurance.
I value relationships and people being uncomfortable WAY about 'things'.

if I had a dinner party and someone else broke something or damaged like the carpet I’d like to think they’d be polite enough to offer to sort the issue or replace the broken item before I’d even have to consider asking

This really shocks me, to be quite honest. Accidents happen!

He says I’m hugely ungrateful and the fact she was doing me a favour at the time means it doesn’t matter.

Is that what he said, that he did you a favour? Is dd not his?

As his mum damaged/lost things, HE needs to fox/replace, not you.

Is he usually such a twat?

You’re shocked by people offering to replace something they’ve broken or damaged? It’s just good manners surely.

Good manners is apologising and offering to clean up the mess, not offering cash to get the carpet professionally cleaned or buying someone a new wine glass.

@HuggsBosom yes he said she was doing me a favour. He was working and as I was on MAT her looking after DD meant I could go somewhere for the day

OK as you haven’t answered the carpet question I’m going to assume you could have easily cleaned it yourself.

@HuggsBosom its good manners. I agree with you. Just how I was brought up I guess?

For everyone saying things like spillages or breakages are part of entertaining. What if for example you take your car to the garage for a repair and they fix it (done their job) but hand it back with a big dent in it?

Would you just accept it and say oh well it’s my fault for leaving it with them to fix it and leave it at that? Or would you complain and ask them to deal with it? Or claim on your insurance at a cost to yourself?

Different situation as it’s not family etc but in essence the message is the same. Someone damages your things accidentally. Id imagine not many of us would accept it in that instance? Or is it the fact it involves family that makes me unreasonable?

@cosypeppermint sorry I was scanning I didn’t see your message. It was nail varnish