Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is right here?

127 replies

Unsurewheretogo · 12/11/2022 14:13

Can’t work out who is right here, me or my partner?

My MIL very kindly babysat our baby for the day a few weeks ago. She doesn’t do this a huge amount and I am always grateful for her help. During this visit she managed to lose two items of the baby’s. One of which was a book she absolutely loves. This happens frequently, baby goes to her house and ends up coming back with things missing. I asked my partner if she’d replace the lost items and he absolutely hit the roof. He says I’m hugely ungrateful and the fact she was doing me a favour at the time means it doesn’t matter.

I wasn’t brought up like that. I was raised in a way that meant if you damage, break or lose something belonging to someone else you (at least offer!) to replace it.

Similar happened a while back when she looked after the baby for ah hour at our house. She damaged something in our living room. When i asked my partner if she’d sort out getting it fixed he also said I was being rude. That she was helping therefore it doesn’t matter. Yes it was our decision to accept the help, but it wasn’t my decision for her to damage something.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Kite22 · 12/11/2022 18:15

But that is a completely different situation.
I'm surprised you can't see that.

cosypeppermint · 12/11/2022 18:16

Unsurewheretogo · 12/11/2022 18:13

For everyone saying things like spillages or breakages are part of entertaining. What if for example you take your car to the garage for a repair and they fix it (done their job) but hand it back with a big dent in it?

Would you just accept it and say oh well it’s my fault for leaving it with them to fix it and leave it at that? Or would you complain and ask them to deal with it? Or claim on your insurance at a cost to yourself?

Different situation as it’s not family etc but in essence the message is the same. Someone damages your things accidentally. Id imagine not many of us would accept it in that instance? Or is it the fact it involves family that makes me unreasonable?

They’re not even remotely the same thing! Do you not value relationships with other humans at all?

cosypeppermint · 12/11/2022 18:16

Unsurewheretogo · 12/11/2022 18:13

@cosypeppermint sorry I was scanning I didn’t see your message. It was nail varnish

That is tricky, but I still wouldn’t expect her to pay for it!

AhNowTed · 12/11/2022 18:18

Unsurewheretogo · 12/11/2022 18:13

For everyone saying things like spillages or breakages are part of entertaining. What if for example you take your car to the garage for a repair and they fix it (done their job) but hand it back with a big dent in it?

Would you just accept it and say oh well it’s my fault for leaving it with them to fix it and leave it at that? Or would you complain and ask them to deal with it? Or claim on your insurance at a cost to yourself?

Different situation as it’s not family etc but in essence the message is the same. Someone damages your things accidentally. Id imagine not many of us would accept it in that instance? Or is it the fact it involves family that makes me unreasonable?

The two are not REMOTELY the same.

But the fact you equate your MIL to a business says a lot about your attitude.

girlmom21 · 12/11/2022 18:20

You're being unreasonable.

The book will turn up.

How old is the child that they're young enough to be a baby but old enough to have a favourite book?

Pumperthepumper · 12/11/2022 18:21

How much did you pay her for babysitting?

Waitingfordecember · 12/11/2022 18:21

I think this is an example of how what constitutes as good manners differs between people. I would never ask someone who had done me a favour to replace a lost item, I’d feel incredibly rude.

I think it would be good manners for your MIL to offer, but imo the only polite response is to say not to worry about it (I know that’s not really logical, but as you say, it’s how I was brought up).

iamjustwinginglife · 12/11/2022 18:23

@Unsurewheretogo , she got nail varnish on your lounge carpet!? No wonder you're pissed off. Why on Earth would someone paint their nails in someone else's lounge...then spill it!!

thelobsterquadrille · 12/11/2022 18:24

For everyone saying things like spillages or breakages are part of entertaining. What if for example you take your car to the garage for a repair and they fix it (done their job) but hand it back with a big dent in it?

Hardly the same thing is, is it? Hmm

A garage is a business and has a professional responsibility to keep your car safe and free from damage. You really can't compare that to having a guest in your home who accidentally knocks a glass or mug over.

thelobsterquadrille · 12/11/2022 18:25

Unsurewheretogo · 12/11/2022 18:13

@cosypeppermint sorry I was scanning I didn’t see your message. It was nail varnish

Annoying, but it's not like she did it on purpose.

I'd never expect someone to pay in this scenario. If they offered, I'd tell them not to be so daft.

OliveWah · 12/11/2022 18:25

I wouldn't stress about the book, but who the hell paints their nails over someone else's carpet?!?

Imnothereforthegiggles · 12/11/2022 18:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Delphinium20 · 12/11/2022 18:29

I wouldn't be angry that these incidences happen, but I do wonder why she's not apologetic and attempts to fix/replace items when it does happen. I always babysit my nephew for free. Once, under my watch, he broke a gorgeous pottery vase. It was irreplaceable as it was from an artisan at a fair, but I tried to find a vase that was equally pretty and when I did, I gave it to my sister. She kept telling me not to worry about it, but I did and replaced it. I think it just reinforced that we both are doing our best and not to be upset with mistakes.

I wish your MIL would at least acknowledge that she's sorry and attempt amends. Maybe the compromise is your MIL apologizes, your husband says, "Don't worry about it," and then HE does the work of replacing/fixing.

Imnothereforthegiggles · 12/11/2022 18:33

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Unsurewheretogo · 12/11/2022 18:39

@Imnothereforthegiggles the garage reference was in relation to comments further up the thread when people were saying if accidents happen in your home it’s still not the persons fault to resolve it. It’s not in relation to the baby bit. The point of the thread was that I’d expect her to at least offer to pay to replace lost items or items she’s damaged. I likely wouldn’t expect her to replace small things but the small things are a bigger issue because of the previous bigger issues…nail Polish on carpet. Whilst I appreciate many people wouldn’t expect a family member to cough up and pay, surely old fashion manners where you offer to compensate or replace for items that are lost or broken through no fault of the owner wouldn’t go wrong?

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 12/11/2022 18:41

Unsurewheretogo · 12/11/2022 18:39

@Imnothereforthegiggles the garage reference was in relation to comments further up the thread when people were saying if accidents happen in your home it’s still not the persons fault to resolve it. It’s not in relation to the baby bit. The point of the thread was that I’d expect her to at least offer to pay to replace lost items or items she’s damaged. I likely wouldn’t expect her to replace small things but the small things are a bigger issue because of the previous bigger issues…nail Polish on carpet. Whilst I appreciate many people wouldn’t expect a family member to cough up and pay, surely old fashion manners where you offer to compensate or replace for items that are lost or broken through no fault of the owner wouldn’t go wrong?

How much did you pay her for babysitting though?

Original poster
Unsurewheretogo · 12/11/2022 18:45

she wasn’t charging. But for the cost of a cleaner for my carpet which ultimately will need replaced entirely and replacing the lost items it would’ve been cheaper to pay someone. But given people are saying it’s unreasonable to ask people full stop to replace things they’ve damaged or lost it appears it’s just hard luck for me

OP posts:
InFiveMins · 12/11/2022 18:45

YABU and I think it's clear from your tone that you dislike your MIL and are trying to find reasons to criticise her. Sounds like your DP notices it too which is likely why he flies off the handle when you keep making digs about her.

Pumperthepumper · 12/11/2022 18:46

Unsurewheretogo · 12/11/2022 18:45

she wasn’t charging. But for the cost of a cleaner for my carpet which ultimately will need replaced entirely and replacing the lost items it would’ve been cheaper to pay someone. But given people are saying it’s unreasonable to ask people full stop to replace things they’ve damaged or lost it appears it’s just hard luck for me

Oh, she did it for free! Lucky you! Take the replacement cost of the book out of the £50 a babysitter would cost you for an evening out - and how long was she watching your kid for when she spilled the nail varnish?

Whinge · 12/11/2022 18:47

But for the cost of a cleaner for my carpet which ultimately will need replaced entirely

For a bit of nail polish? Just move the furniture around or chuck a rug over it. Yes it was careless of her to spill it, but you have a baby, there's going to be other spillages and accidents in the future. You don't need to replace the carpet just because it has a stain on it.

Pumperthepumper · 12/11/2022 18:47

Just read it was an hour for free that time. Still, that would have been about £25 for an agency around here so you still got a bargain.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 12/11/2022 18:48

I was always raised to replace things I'd broken or lost, no matter how small. If I lost a child's favourite book I would absolutely replace it and it wouldn't even enter my head to not, especially since its low cost and clearly my fault.

If it was something I couldn't afford to replace I would offer to do a payment plan.

MoveBitch · 12/11/2022 18:48

Unsurewheretogo · 12/11/2022 18:45

she wasn’t charging. But for the cost of a cleaner for my carpet which ultimately will need replaced entirely and replacing the lost items it would’ve been cheaper to pay someone. But given people are saying it’s unreasonable to ask people full stop to replace things they’ve damaged or lost it appears it’s just hard luck for me

A carpet doesn't need replacing because there's nail varnish on it?!

Christ if you're going to replace the carpet everytime it gets a mark then it's going to be a costly few years with a toddler!!

GiltEdges · 12/11/2022 18:51

Unsurewheretogo · 12/11/2022 18:09

@HuggsBosom its good manners. I agree with you. Just how I was brought up I guess?

See for me personally, it’s exceptionally bad manners to invite someone to your home and then expect them to pay you when they damage something by accident. If they offered, I would categorically turn them down. But I suppose that’s the difference between how you and I were brought up, OP 🤷‍♀️

thelobsterquadrille · 12/11/2022 18:51

Unsurewheretogo · 12/11/2022 18:45

she wasn’t charging. But for the cost of a cleaner for my carpet which ultimately will need replaced entirely and replacing the lost items it would’ve been cheaper to pay someone. But given people are saying it’s unreasonable to ask people full stop to replace things they’ve damaged or lost it appears it’s just hard luck for me

Well, no, it doesn't need replacing - that's your choice. It's not like she smashed the TV screen or broke the fridge - she accidentally spilt something on the carpet.

Hardly the end of the world. If it won't come out and the stain really bothers you, just put a rug down or move the furniture about. No need to spend hundreds on a new carpet, surely?