To ask if you've ever met an 'alpha' male ?

[ALPHAquest]

If so, what were they like and what made them an 'alpha' in yours or their eyes?

Genuinely interested in both positives and negatives after a thread where Op mentioned her DH was an alpha.

I know plenty of men who probably think they are an alpha. I consider them to be arrogant, self involved and completely lacking in emotional intelligence.

It’s really not, if you look to nature.’alphas’ tend to be selected by the group for their intellect, strength, wisdom, protectiveness or sometimes it’s even just inherited. In hyenas for example, the Queen becomes queen via bloodline, unless there is a takeover, which is very political and involves gaining allies over a period of time. Chimps are similar.
It’s far more complex and not simply about aggression as the male fantasy would have you believe.

Yes, exactly. My friend is extremely professionally successful and rich, has climbed Everest and runs extreme ultramarathons for fun, but also cries at poems, is thoughtful, sensitive and hangs out with more women than men.

Not sure.
Are they good men who don't need to manipulate, coerce, control et cetera in order to lead and be liked?
Alpha doesn't mean the same to everybody

People who self-declare themselves Alpha Male are in the same category as people with refer to themselves as being a “nutter” or who “tell it like it is”.

@tenbob please share strategies!

I don’t think there’s any such men either. There will be plenty of men who label themselves such…and women who buy into it too…but nah, it’s not a thing. It means different things to different people and is simply a notion that doesn’t hold any water. IMHO.

Strong, charismatic leaders.

I used to have a friend who described her husband as an alpha male, in an admiring tone. He was incredibly arrogant and patronising, had such a high opinion of himself and I remember one night out when she started boasting how he earned more than us and our partners. There were so many other incidents when his behaviour was so obnoxious and arrogant, including trying to tell me how to do my job (in a totally different field to him). I eventually cut contact with them both.

Men don't even tend to use the term alpha male to describe themselves, it's normally their partner who does so, and in a manner that seems to imply she feels she's superior because she has managed to 'bag' herself an alpha male. Or maybe I'm just bitter after my experience!

To me alpha means commanding without force. There's something about them that draws attention and respect. They don't fight for it.

They draw your eye, they're self assured without being cocky. They don't belittle.

They're a natural leader and are willingly followed by others. They don't need to resort to displays of strength to control others or "keep them in line".

Yes, I've had the displeasure of working with one recently...

*He referred constantly to himself in the 3rd person <<<--- vom!
*He was very loud and condescending when an idea came from anyone but him
*He adopted ideas he liked as his own even to people who were present when the idea was put forward in a meeting
*He was painfully and obviously ignorant to any processes or information he deemed as below his pay grade (he knew absolutely no background information about the meetings we were attending and relayed entirely on the other people to prop him up

I was absolutely delighted to leave that project behind for my promotion!

He was painfully and obviously ignorant to any processes or information he deemed as below his pay grade
**
@Snoooozzze I work with on of those at the moment. The above sentence struck a chord! I came out of a meeting recently and said I wish I could be that confident talking utter rubbish about something I have no knowledge of. I'm the subject matter expert in what he was talking about and what he was saying was so far from reality it was a work of fiction.

I don't think of him as an alpha,

It's frustrating isn't it!

The person I worked with is 100% also not an Alpha... he actually casually dropped into conversation once how hard it must be for the betas to get ahead with this particular client so he definitely thinks himself an alpha... the actual client roll their eyes at him and purposely don't copy him into emails so I dare say they prefer the so called betas

I don't really know exactly how you interprete it apart from an old fashioned traditional man's man type, strong handy manly not girly or very sensitive probably arrogant very competitive into manly things like sport big hairy practical fixes stuff not very emotional protective bossy perhaps, sure of themselves/confident/arrogant likes to be in charge, etc etc bit of an arse probably, banter with blokes down pub etc yes most of my relatives are like this and husband. If that is them throw sexist pigs into the equation.

I was just going to add I have met a few but the ones that stood out were ex-SAS guys.

Beautiful humans who've seen so much, they carry themselves well, have this confidence that you just can't define and a strength that is lovely.

They do even as older men have a strange element of danger about them that you can't put your finger on.

I've not met the horrid type to be honest they wouldn't be alpha in my eyes they would just be twats.

I met someone who described himself as an alpha male

I would describe him as a twat (if I was being generous)

He was so full of himself. Such a narcissist. And god so arrogant

I took great pleasure in telling him about my ex. Who would never describe himself as an alpha male. But my god he was amazing. Ceo and Chairman of several tech and pharma companies. The most powerful person in the room most of the time. Total kitten with me. Treated me with respect and was my biggest champion and cheerleader. We're still friends because he's just an incredibly positive influence in my life. Now that's an alpha male.

Agreed, a real alpha male is someone who takes care of his family (not sayign he has the be the only bread winner, it's not 1950). But should be someone who sticks around even when the going gets tough.

I consider an Alpha male a well respected leader, who leads by popular consent because people know he is trustworthy and looking out for the best solutions for everyone. This is also my definition of an Alpha female. It often goes with physical fitness and high energy and stamina but not necessarily the best looking. They are the doers rather than the bombastic braggers. They are the kind of people, male or female that you choose in a community to make decisions for the rest. I am not referring to politicians, but those who know how to lead successfully and responsibly in various ways.

One of DH’s best friends once described DH as an alfa male. I was shocked, DH was appalled.

Yes, my ex was one. Very dominant in every situation. In some ways that wasn't bad - he had a job where this was a very useful trait to have so it helped him at work ( armed forces). He was also very capable in any difficult situation, could get other people to rally around in an emergency. I've seen him walk into scary situations ( ie someone physically beating up another person ) and put a stop to it, which many people would steer clear of. I did admire that aspect of his personality .

It didn't make him a good husband or father though, he was bossy and it was always "his way or the highway" . Even when I found out about his infidelity, his answer was " I felt the need to do that" rather than any expression of being sorry.

I'm glad he isn't my husband any more, and also glad that he doesn't bother to see our children very often - his traits were often hurtful to them so even though his absence makes them sad, I can see the positive side of it.

Yes, my cat is definitely an 'alpha' male! He has always believed that he is, as the eldest of three males in the litter. He was dominant at feeding and play, and hit those developmental milestones before the other two did. At 9 months old he jumped in to protect his little bro when another cat tried to intimidate him. He has taken on patrolling and chasing off other male cats out of his territory. Even though he is clearly not taking any shit from other male cats, he is a real softie at home.

You didn't specify humans, so this is my example OP, but I think there may be some common ground! 😂

However now that I think about it, my DP is an alpha, too. He is quietly dignified but confident, and not afraid to speak up in either his professional or personal environment. He doesn't raise his voice, but is very good at putting across logical arguments. Both work colleagues and friends have a great deal of respect for him (as do I!) and he is very well liked. He works very hard and is extremely conscientious and loyal. If he promises something he will not let you down. That to me is a true Alpha. Plus, the feline Alpha loves my DP and is often to be found trailing round after him! 😄

I met a very senior army officer who radiated an authority that made you feel the need to stand when he entered the room. He was also very pleasant and polite. I would count him as an alpha male.
Boris Johnson is an example of an unpleasant type of alpha male.

People who think they are alpha and seek to portray their alpha status are not alpha. They are entitled assholes.

Real alpha people have a natural charisma and leadership quality, people like and respect them. They demand nothing, its just the way they are.

Someone others look up to because of his strength, (not just physical) integrity, intelligence, wisdom, bravery and composure. They have fortitude and grit. They don’t succumb to weaknesses like drugs and alcohol. Also, they are family centred. They are like a father figure. They are usually very well depicted in films, such as Maximus in Gladiator or Judah in Ben Hur. I also consider Marcus Aurelius a true alpha male, if you read his meditations you’ll understand.

@takealettermsjones haha yep!

My father liked to think of himself as alpha but i realied those types tended to be very insecure arsehole bullies with a fear of strong capable women!