Step kids and bio kids

[Laurens96]

Hi I'm just looking for a bit of advice.
I have 2 step kids a 12 year old girl and a soon to be 11 year old boy. I also have 3 daughters with my partner twin 2 year old and a 6 month old.
I've finished Christmas present shopping early so decided to get my twins birthday presents out of sales even tho their birthday in till may. Having all 3 of mygirls birthdays within 10 days I thought it best to get in front.
The twins have had £50 each for their birthday. My partner has had a go saying it's too much for their birthday as he only gives his 2 kids from his previous marriage £25 each. I pointed out I've offered every year to put extra to their birthday money for the 6 years we've been together and he always tells me no. I've done the twins birthday on my own he hasn't put anything to it either.

His 2 kids have had the same as my twins for Christmas money wise which I did the majority of myself he only really helped with the baby whose had a lot less as she doesn't need much this year. But he said it looks like I've favoured our children together there too as they've got more for the same money being so little.

My question is am I being unreasonable for saying I'm not spending more on Christmas just cuz my girls stuff was cheaper then the older kids. And am I being unreasonable by still doing £50 for my girls birthday knowing my partner won't allow his children to have more then £25 for their birthday.

Get him to do the present buying in future, we always spent the same on each child, it all came out of the same pot.

No, of course not. The older SC are capable of understanding that they may have less, more expensive presents for Christmas.

I might suggest spending the £25 present top up you offered towards your SCs' birthday presents on some smaller, stocking filler type gifts at Christmas as a compromise though.

His 2 children and the twins have all had £350 each which I paid for then the babys had £150 which is what he's paid for.
I offer to put the extra for the step kids birthday but he's adamant they don't need extra money.
The twins are 3 in May. I've always done them £50. Which is a couple of toys a new outfit and new pjs which I didn't think was as over tye top for a birthday as he's making out.

Do they have a mother? Surely she is giving them presents as well.

I've brought them some activity books such as scratch art and things and sweets and hot chocolate cones for Christmas eve to have with a film when the little ones have gone bed for quality time with just us so they know that even tho the little ones take up alot of time we still have time to do some stuff with just the 2 of them like before the girls were born

So you have spent £1400 on 4 children and he has spent £150 on 1 child?

You spent £350 each on 2 year old toddlers?! That is a lot. I can see that could go quite far and make a rather large pile of presents...

Are you working? Are bills fairly split?

£350 for each child for Christmas is massive in my view... but each to their own.

He should definitely be contributing to this though. 5 kids and he's paid what 15% of the budget? How dare he expect you to buy more for his children for Christmas? Surely if he wants then to have more he can put his hand in his pocket?

In terms of birthdays - assuming you can afford it - why would you not spend what you wish just because the tight bugger won't spend on his own kids...

let me guess he pays minimum maintenance and as little as he can get away with towards the household too...

They do tend to get a lot more gifts overall as they have them off their mom and at ours. Then they have they're grandparents on moms side and their step dads side and auntie's and uncles there as well as my partners mom and his sisters then my parents and brother and best friend buy them gifts too so they don't feel left out when they give my girls their presents

Are they even aware of how much has been spent?
As long as they all get something nice is the price tag really important? Do they understand the value of money yet?

I think you've spent far too much for Christmas on the twins & baby in all honesty but I had the same issue with all DC being mine so it's not so much a step kids issue as an age difference issue & will be worse when his girls are 16 & the twins are 6 but they should realise that their things are smaller & more expensive than the smaller kids.

But I agree with you on the birthday thing - they should get the same amount but if you have separate finances that's more difficult to do when you have different ideas of what's acceptable & he's buying for his with you buying for yours.

Surely they have a mother who will be spending on them too? The twins have your presents only. Of course it’s fair

it shouldn’t be about how much you spend for a child anyway as long as they are not treated differently and it’s not glaringly obvious with the presents. Toddlers don’t know how much things cost.

is he self conscious about his own parenting or does he try and ‘make up’ for not being there all the time with his children? Sounds like it could be a sensitive issue for him

he's buying for his with you buying for yours.

But all 5 of the children are his.

Sorry I'm confused... In regards to your main question, spend what you want on your twins. He doesn't get to unilaterally decide everyone gets £25 just because that's what he wants to give his older kids (and they will be getting presents from their mother too so very likely they DO get the same if not more than £50 for their birthdays).

But more importantly imo, WHY the actual fuck are YOU buying £350 worth of presents for HIS kids? I don't even contribute half towards my stepchildrens Christmas presents nevermind fork out the whole lot! Your husband, their father, should be responsible for buying and especially paying for the majority of their presents with you contributing something if you're happy to. In our house my husband buys for his older kids and I just get them a few smaller inexpensive gifts myself. I'd think he'd lost the actual plot if he expected me to go out and buy and pay for his kids presents!

You're being taken for a mug with that OP.

Oh and he should be contributing toward your twins presents too considering they are his kids. Don't fall into the trap of allowing him not to pay for anything for his kids with you because he's paying for his older ones. They are all his and equally his responsibility to contribute toward, not just yours.

I don’t think that children’s presents should be about an exact monetary value for each but rather about what they want or need and then figure out how the family budget can meet those needs. For example, I wouldn’t spend much on a baby who is the youngest and you probably have lots of toys in the house already for them to play with.

I’d point out to him that it’s actually the same as what his kids get then. Your kids ‘mum and dad’ (I.e you and him) have spent £50 on each of them, and for his kids he spends £25 and their mum spends £25 (although probably more).

Really bizarre to spend £350 at Christmas but only £25/50 on a birthday! But whatever works.

He spends £25 on his children's bdays?! I'm seriously shocked by that. I must live on another planet.

Remember that Christmas is not all about presents (they all need to know that too).

But they get gifts from their mum, from you and dad, from 3 sets of grandparents (bio and step).

Your kids only get gifts from you and dad and 2 sets of grandparents.

His kids are getting a lot more.

I'm really confused by £350 at Christmas, and only £25 for birthday. Would it not make sense to spread the gifts more evenly.

See I don't get this because the argument doesn't work the other way.

I had DD's with ex-h so they got presents from:

Me & stepdad
My parents
Stepdads parents
Ex-H
Ex-H parents

But DS got presents from:

Me & Dad
My parents
Dads parents

All DC were treated the same in my house.

Should we have bought DS more, or bought DD's less, for birthdays & Christmas to compensate for the fact that DD's got presents elsewhere that DS didn't?

I would tell him that just because he's shit at buying/giving gifts for HIS children's birthdays/Christmas doesn't mean that you're going to be the same for YOUR children.

Also, he owes you £700 and a big thank you for organising things for his children. If he doesn't like what you do for them, he can take over the organising in future.

No not if you were happy with it. But this family are different as the dad is trying to tell the mum what she can and cannot spend on her own children to make it ‘fair’, but the kids have different circumstances to the step kids… and she should be able to spend extra on her own kids if she wants, not her fault the dad is tight.