Step kids and bio kids

[Laurens96]

Hi I'm just looking for a bit of advice.
I have 2 step kids a 12 year old girl and a soon to be 11 year old boy. I also have 3 daughters with my partner twin 2 year old and a 6 month old.
I've finished Christmas present shopping early so decided to get my twins birthday presents out of sales even tho their birthday in till may. Having all 3 of mygirls birthdays within 10 days I thought it best to get in front.
The twins have had £50 each for their birthday. My partner has had a go saying it's too much for their birthday as he only gives his 2 kids from his previous marriage £25 each. I pointed out I've offered every year to put extra to their birthday money for the 6 years we've been together and he always tells me no. I've done the twins birthday on my own he hasn't put anything to it either.

His 2 kids have had the same as my twins for Christmas money wise which I did the majority of myself he only really helped with the baby whose had a lot less as she doesn't need much this year. But he said it looks like I've favoured our children together there too as they've got more for the same money being so little.

My question is am I being unreasonable for saying I'm not spending more on Christmas just cuz my girls stuff was cheaper then the older kids. And am I being unreasonable by still doing £50 for my girls birthday knowing my partner won't allow his children to have more then £25 for their birthday.

@BattenburgDonkey I totally get that it's more the "well they get presents elsewhere so don't need as much here" argument that gets trotted out on here when all the kids belong to the dad but not when they all belong to the mum

But in a lot of families the step grandparents don’t buy presents for the kids who aren’t biologically theirs… there’s differences in every family, comparing yourself to advice given to people in different situations to yours is just putting an unnecessary stress on yourself. There’s nothing wrong with the way you did things because it works for you, that doesn’t mean that this OP is wrong for spending a little more money on her own kids… her and her DH do things differently to you.

I think you DH is being a joke to be honest. Don’t get your children less because the SC get £25 which your DH wants. The SC get off there mother aswel so why should you not spend what you want on your own children. Tell him to sort his children with whatever budget he wants and you give your children what ever budget you want. You DH is definitely a Disney dad who rolls out the red carpet for SC.

Spend whatever you like on your own children. Ignore him. It doesn't sound like he really gives a shit about any of them but especially the ones that belong to you op! Is he this much of a twat about everything else?

This.

What could you possibly see in a dad who is so tight-fisted that he only spends £25 each on one set of kids and nothing on the other?

Is this a fundamental difference in parenting styles rather than a step vs bio issue? If so, his view that his kids should not be overly spoilt is as valid as yours that they should. This needs to be solved by discussion and compromise.

Yep agree, my DS's are both mine, DH is stepdad to the eldest. No way would we have had it that DS1 got less than DS2 as he got presents from his Dad.
Unpopular view no doubt, but DS2 was already at an advantage that his Mum and Dad were still together and he didn't have to be uprooted to go to his Dads over Christmas when he wanted to be at home playing with the presents we'd bought him. TBH I would be disappointed if DS2 present counted and argued that DS1 got more.

A lot of my girls presents for Christmas are shoes and clothes in the next size up to grow into tbh with a few toys.
The babys had things like a sit in walker push along walker and an activity table then clothes as I still have all my twins baby rattles so didn't see the point having more of those.
I don't currently work but do get uc for the children although I do put half to the house bills from that except gas and electric as I have a car to pay for too so I can see family and get the stepchildren from their moms as I live an hours drive away because this was the only house we could get through an exchange.
My step kids know how much their stuff costs as they do pick out what they want and give us a list but every year tell us mom spends more then us but she only has 3 children to buy for. They do tell us to that their step dad's family spends more then my family do too.
He's only ever given his children £25 for birthday since he split with his ex wife and constantly says there's no need to up that amount.
I brought my step children's presents early this year as last Christmas we got to December and he still hadn't got a thing and I had to try sort it all last minute so they still had stuff and didn't want to be doing that again this year.

So he’ll only spend £25 on his kids for birthdays? Has let you buy all their Christmas? You do pick ups from their mums? And you had 3 kids with this prince?

Christ on a bike. Stop the world I want off.

You’re a mug.
But you know this already.
Just don’t have any more children with him.

I liked the way my Nana did Christmas presents. No one knew how much or how little she spent on each grandchild or each of her children including two step children (my eldest Aunt and Uncle).

What we did know was that she always put thought into your gift and chose something that she thought you would like and need.

This trying to get gifts that all cost exactly the same amount seems to take away the thought that counts aspect.

What a jerk. Not only you buy HIS children presents (in fact he should be doing it, it is not your responsibility) but he also enforces some made up stupid rule how much you are allowed to spend on your own children! DSC is not your responsibility. He wants to give them more he can knock himself out, but you don't spend less on your girls because he has different ideas. You have many years of Xmas and bdays.. Nip it right in the bud now

What are you talking about. They are all his kids.

it sounds like you cannot afford to be spending so much on all the children at Christmas.

how long have you been with him?
what does he do for work?
why are you buying his children's Christmas presents?
how much if the parenting are you doing for the older children? Eg Are you doing the cooking etc

Why have you stumped up the £700 for his kids Christmas presents?! + your own and he’s spent a poxy £150 compared to yours!! You are being a total door mat.

he should be covering his kids Xmas presents, plus half of your joint kids.

He has some cheek moaning at you spending £50 on your kids birthday presents. He’s totally a tight fisted Twat if he only spends £25!

I wouldn't worry about the actual cost. How will they know what everything is in money terms unless he tells them your bio girls have had more spent on them? Children should just be grateful and not be analysing them cost of things. My DSDs used to count how many each of them got...I stopped them doing it pretty sharpish. You're right to want to spoil your own as you said, they will get two lots of presents from their biological mum. He is being very unreasonable!!!

I'm shocked at £350 each for Christmas, especially when you don't work.

And to be pedantic the Uc isn't yours. It's family income . It also must mean that your partner is on a low income.

Universal credit is a household payment. It's based on household income.

Therefore if you are claiming uc as a couple with children then it's not possible to have separate finances and the assumption will be that you have household finances

This^^
why isn’t he doing more of the present purchasing for his children.

you sound like you treat them very kindly and make effort to include them. But he’s slacking. Witt having 3 of your own children so young it must be frustrating for him not to step up and sort his own childrens gifts out?

This.

🙄

He saw you coming and then you've gone on to have 3 dc with him. How are you managing it with 5 kids if hes not helping? Does he contribute to the household?

£350 each seems excessive, for the 2 year olds it seems ridiculous as does £150 on a baby who won’t even remember it. That’s £1550 just on Christmas presents for the kids before you even start with gifts for anyone else, the food or any other Christmas expenses. How are you going to afford that?

To spend £350 each on Christmas but then only £25 on the SC for their birthdays is such a huge contrast. I think your DP is being a bit tight only spending £25 on their birthdays, but I think your Christmas spending is ridiculous. How are you affording it on UC and with bills going up, surely done of that money would be better saved to give done security for when you eventually realise it’s time to leave your DP?

I think £25 for a present is reasonable on a low income, which by definition is what universal credit is for.

However. I simply cannot understand how anyone other than those with truly enormous income can afford more than £1550 on Christmas presents.

How can you afford such huge amounts when you as a family claim UC? Hope you have savings for emergencies.I must be mean because have never spent such huge amounts on presents for small children.Do they really need so much?Better to buy an annual pass and enjoy all the year round with smaller gifts. Good job we are all different I suppose.