Step kids and bio kids

[Laurens96]

Hi I'm just looking for a bit of advice.
I have 2 step kids a 12 year old girl and a soon to be 11 year old boy. I also have 3 daughters with my partner twin 2 year old and a 6 month old.
I've finished Christmas present shopping early so decided to get my twins birthday presents out of sales even tho their birthday in till may. Having all 3 of mygirls birthdays within 10 days I thought it best to get in front.
The twins have had £50 each for their birthday. My partner has had a go saying it's too much for their birthday as he only gives his 2 kids from his previous marriage £25 each. I pointed out I've offered every year to put extra to their birthday money for the 6 years we've been together and he always tells me no. I've done the twins birthday on my own he hasn't put anything to it either.

His 2 kids have had the same as my twins for Christmas money wise which I did the majority of myself he only really helped with the baby whose had a lot less as she doesn't need much this year. But he said it looks like I've favoured our children together there too as they've got more for the same money being so little.

My question is am I being unreasonable for saying I'm not spending more on Christmas just cuz my girls stuff was cheaper then the older kids. And am I being unreasonable by still doing £50 for my girls birthday knowing my partner won't allow his children to have more then £25 for their birthday.

This has to be a wind up. £350 a head when on UC with no input from "D"H who now thinks, after spending £350 a head on his children, you've not been fair???

Pre teen/ teen presents are smaller than toddler stuff but more expensive. DSS (10) is getting a single present from us but that present contains a switch. On the other hand DS is getting 4 presents which are also larger in size but still cost significantly less than DSS.

DSS is old enough to know that something like a switch is expensive. He has been asking for it for 3 years but this was the first year we could afford it so he will be absolutely delighted

Why are you the one paying for all of this and buying for his kids? And why are you the one picking up his kids? Do you do all the childcare for them too whilst he sits back and dictates how you’ve done things wrong?

I spend 150 on my 2 dd (whose father I'm divorced from) and the same on my son (with his dad) my dd get £30 each from their dad. I could spend £30 less on them which would be equal but I chose not to. Ds gets more from his paternal grandparents/aunts etc than dd do. But dd get stuff from their dads family. So it all roughly works out.

You and ur dh should agree an amount to spend on ur kids and split it.(if you have separate finances) dh should pay for his kids , the fairest way would be to do roughly half what your shared kids get assuming his ex does similar so overall they get same.

How much CMS does he pay?

What does he do for the kids as you seem to do the bulk of the legwork for the step kids

£25 in my opinion is a low amount for a birthday. Fair enough his kids will get from their mother too, so not too bad. The older kids can understand that their present pile is smaller, that’s what happens in households across the U.K. when you have younger and older kids.

I've finished Christmas present shopping early so decided to get my twins birthday presents out of sales even tho their birthday in till may. Having all 3 of mygirls birthdays within 10 days I thought it best to get in front.

You sound a bit shopping-mad tbh, buying birthday gifts now for May, not in the sales, just because you've 'finished christmas shopping early'. The logic of getting it 'in front' is nonsense and sounds more like you just wanted to buy things, which is also a bit mad for such young DC who don't need much stuff.

Reading your OP, I'd assumed you were loaded and had married a guy with the resources for umpteen kids and was just being stingy, but now it seems you're not loaded and not working and on UC. So now your DH seems more sensible (for the restraint with money if not procreation) and you sound like you need to reign it in.

No one tells me how much to spend on my children. Least of all because of how much they are spending on a child that is not my child

Awfully early to buy op. At those ages their interests change so quickly

Oh missed on Uc etc etc

ok puts a different dimensions on it!

If you are each "putting money into" things - meaning you view your money as separate, then YANBU to spend what you want on your kids. He doesn't get to dictate how much you spend on them, or how much you chip in towards his kids. You'd be well within your rights to not chip into that at all. And he doesn't get to say you can only spend £25 just because that's what he does.

The figures do all sound quite bizarre, though. £350 seems a pretty excessive amount to spend on one child at Christmas. On the flip side, £50 (let alone £25) seems pretty low for a birthday. It makes the whole set up a bit difficult to understand the logic of!

You can do whatever suits your family, but we did as the PP said and dsc generally got less off us for Christmas as they had presents at their mum’s too. Otherwise dsc we’re getting ridiculous amounts for Christmas. Dsc are well in to their adulthood now with children of their own and don’t feel they were favoured differently than their siblings in our house. Dss was actually laughing just the other day whilst telling his partner how he had the same big ticket present from both sides one year. Dss has a blended family and they do it differently and spend the same on all children as one child has no contact with one side of their family so it would definitely be unfair to spend less. It isn’t a one size fits all scenario.

Are you claiming as a joint couple? I don't mean to be rude but I don't know how you could afford £350 child for 5 dc when your not working and getting uc and he doesn't contribute. We both work and can't afford that for 3 dc.

I think this is clearly what’s happening.

I think this thread has highlighted to me that op is either very good at budgeting or life on benefits isn't as bad as people say .

Or not claiming benefits correctly (possibly in error)

You both work but get UC top up, so both must be on very low wages.
From your low wages and UC top up, you pay half the rent and cost of living and run a car. And you have thousands left to spend on gifts?
That doesn't happen. Not if you're claiming as a couple.

Are you claiming as a single parent?

And it's bought, brought. You bought the things. You didnt brought them things.

@WeepingSomnambulist she says she doesn't work -

I don't currently work but do get uc for the children

But still, something doesn't add up. I couldn't afford £350 on presents and I earn an okay wage.

Either

1. Wind up
2. Fraud
3. Not paying rent or other core bills

DH and I work full time and earn decent salaries before tax etc. We could not afford to spend £350 on each of our three children! How is this possible on benefits?

Your partner sounds like an insecure cheapskate.

Clothes are not presents for small children, so I wouldnt be counting those as Christmas. That’s just general spending on a growing child.

but I do wonder if you are focusing your spending in entirely the wrong way. What experiences have you booked for all the children over Christmas? What does your Christmas actually look like beyond opening presents?

remember, parenting it isnt about stuff. Br thinking about the culture capital you can introduce.

Ive just done a backsearch, @Laurens96 .
You should leave him. You should arrange for somewhere else to live and not look back. He is a piece if shit.

He sounds awful. As a parent, and a partner. You deserve better. It's easy to say leave him, but I honestly would. It's not the money itself, more that he thinks it's ok to put money in a card and that's it. I can already imagine the kind of person he is. You're paying bills and by the sounds of it doing everything for all of the children, inc step children which shows how lovely you are. What does he contribute? What does he do? Are you happy?

I start saving in January so it's not a big lump of money to sort all in one go as my mom said that's how she did it when me and my brother were younger.
I work out meal plans and shop to that list for a week or 2 as I find it more cost effective. Stuff that freezes well I also batch cook so there's meals for another time already ready as I found this to be cheaper then just buying enough for one particular meal. All the babies fruit and veg purees I make myself as its a lot cheaper to do home made and freeze some for another day compared to buying the super market pouches.
I do most of the housework including the cooking so it's easy to stick to my meal plans/food budget as I prepare all the meals and do the shopping so buy what's on my shopping list with maybe a few extra things if they're on special and have a good date on.