For welcoming Jennifer Anniston’s honesty about her struggle to have children

[RhubarbRocks]

www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-63576100

As someone who went though multiple rounds of unsuccessful IVF in my late 30s and early 40s it’s good to see this normalised in the news. It sometimes feels very isolating when you can’t have children (not least here when it’s sometimes questioned why childless women are here - I joined during ivf and have stayed for all the other non child related chats!)

So not really an AIBU but maybe a question/observation about the assumptions we make about whether a woman does/doesn’t have children.

@JessicaTooManyRabbits

most of us in our twenties when faced with the option of starting in films and Friends would go for that rather than kids

I hope she isn’t too sad - she’s has and still does have an amazing life with experiences most people dream of

Exactly this. She's lived an incredible life.

@LuckySantangelo35

Plenty of people think about settling down in their 20’s not constant travelling. Many don’t go to uni. Many don’t care about career.

You can say thinking about travelling and career it “the way it should be” - well if you know for sure you really want kids then leaving it till your 30’s to bother to do any of the things that lead to that or a good situation to bring up kids in isn’t “the way it should be” - it’s a risk.

If science can extend fertility by another decade then sure holiday and party away your 20’s - but until then putting off trying to get into a situation to have kids until then Carry a risk.

I feel sorry for her. I have a friend who struggles with infertility, and it's so damn hard.

Mine too.

It’s not as well regulated in the US as here - they have no equivalent of the HFEA. IVF clinics often transfer 10 or 12 embryos to increase the chances of pregnancy which are then selectively reduced to one or two.

@JessicaTooManyRabbits

for me it’s worth the risk

I wouldn’t have been happy settling and having kids in my twenties

I shudder to think about all the things I would have missed out on

and clearly there are lots of women who feel the same as me

@LuckySantangelo35

I was talking about my friend who your comment “no man and no kids whoever will sue survive” referred to.

But regardless Jen made her choices too - and of course Ange’s plans for Brad and simple Brad’s silliness didn’t help

I agree with this, I grew up with two adopted siblings and it nearly destroyed my parents mental health and their marriage. I was a late baby and a surprise pregnancy after they had adopted.

Both of my siblings have rage and anger issues that seemed to start in their teens and still affect them now in their 40s. They both have children of their own (with completely unsuitable partners) my parents have had to bail them out so many times, financially and otherwise - and I can see that their own children are massively affected by their emotional instability. My cousin was also adopted, and again has serious emotional difficulties as an adult. They are just very difficult people to be around.
Of course, some people are absolutely fine and have no issues, but many adopted people do have trauma and rejection issues because of it. It's not all a bed of roses.

I wished so many times that my siblings would get therapy, but they never would no matter how many times it was offered. Their behaviour radiated out and negatively affected so many people. None of us are close as adults.
Me and my sister tolerate eachother, and my brother cut off our whole family a few years ago after another massive overreaction about something. My mother was completely heartbroken, after years of trying to help him, putting up with him trashing the house, getting arrested etc. he just won't speak to her. I think he is ashamed of his previous behaviour and can't face it.

As a woman youre really damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Have kids young and youre reckless and irresponsible or a drain on social services.

Have kids late and youre a cold and heartless human who cared too much about her career or financial security.

Want to live a life before kids - selfish and immature.

Have them young - unambitious and boring.

Life isn't always linear. All of us get thrown curveballs.

@LuckySantangelo35

Ok fine, my point was it was a risk so I don’t know why your arguing.

If your willing to take the risk and realise you may not have kids and be happy with that, then (if you want to travel etc) by all means do that. If you absolutely 100% don’t want to risk not having kids then don’t. It’s really that simple

@JessicaTooManyRabbits

well she will survive won’t she

may be her life will be even better than if she had had kids

and I don’t know y u keep pushing this narrative of a manipulative demonic Angelina and a innocent guileless Brad , it’s weird. Always the woman’s fault eh?

Here here 👏

Why on earth didn't she freeze her eggs in her mid 30s when she knew she wouldn't be having a child with a man anyway and had the means to do so (she was in a well paid career).

It might already be too late to freeze your eggs in your mid 30s. Optimum age is your 20s.

Wow. Sexism is still so alive.

I agree with this Now she is beyond the age where people ‘expect’ you to have children she can discuss her struggles without people saying things like just adopt, it’ll happen as soon as you forget about it

I think it shows great emotional intelligence that she's waited until now to speak. The rubbish people come out with when you're trying but not being successful is enormously damaging.

I suffered from infertility for over a decade. Having IVF is incredibly hard, especially once you get past the first (second, third) unsuccessful round and know that it's not a magic solution.

Adoption is not the same as having a biological child of your own, it's just not and it's - in my opinion - much harder. Most children who are adopted in this country at least have significant trauma that their adoptive parent will need to help with. The adoptive parents I know are amazing superwomen (they're all women - single mothers or lesbian couples) and I don't think I could honestly cope with what they do. It requires enormous resilience.

I wish Jennifer Aniston much success and happiness in her life and I bet she's an amazing aunt to lots of children of her friends. A life where you're not a mother doesn't have to be a life without children but nevertheless it is a loss and a grief and I am so glad she's speaking up. It will help other women who have gone through the same.

@IWishICouldDance

maybe your pal just isn’t that bothered any more ?

maybe she’s happy and fulfilled with her new partner , new career and new job opportunities

maybe having kids was something she thought she should be doing when she was with a man given the pressures of the patriarchy

Such an ignorant post.

@Schlaar
u R clueless
hth

I also think it's true that some women who want kids and don't have them end up better off. We're not supposed to say it, but financially, career wise and often in terms of health and wellbeing it can be true.

I have a friend who now says she's relieved she didn't pursue IVF and having a child at all costs. She was sad at the time when she couldn't have a child but she has got over that now and will say she thinks her life is much better than if she'd had children. She is lucky however in that her siblings have children who she is very involved with. Not everyone has that.

Don’t have children, you are selfish and will never know real love.

Can’t have children, you are a sad pathetic creature who will never know love, true happiness or fulfilment.

Her mantra has been to say women are still a legitimate persons with or without children and/or marriage

She is spot on with this.
How much of women having babies is down to personal desire and how much is pressure from “society” – usually other women projecting, in my experience?

Why should the default always be to have children? Why do so many women feel unfulfilled if they don’t have children?

I was ambivalent about having children, even when I was told that the likelihood of getting pregnant was very slim and the likelihood of having a successful pregnancy even more remote. I just saw this as an opportunity to do things in life that would have been more difficult with children in two. Even though I now have a DD I still feel that my life wouldn’t have been better or worse without her, just different.

I know women like this too

and I mean it totally makes sense doesn’t it

kids take up so much of your money and time and can destroy your mental health and physical health (child birth injuries and trauma etc) etc etc and put a strain your relationship
so many downsides that women are just supposed to suck up with a smile and keep quiet about

Also, does having more choices – IUI, IVF, surrogacy etc increase the pressure? Back in the day when these weren’t options were women more accepting that having children wasn’t going to happen?

Say it again for the people at the back!

I’ve personally known a few women where this absolutely is the case. Women don’t realise how much restrictive eating can mess with fertility.

Although I agree that the pressure to be waif-like was more intense in the 90s/00s, it is very much ever-present (perhaps because my peers and I were born & grew up in these decades), and today there are plenty of ‘influencers’ who would be classed as underweight to severely underweight.

Women get flamed for not being thin enough, and then get flamed for not being fertile enough.

Fuck the patriarchy.

Ah that photo is so creepy. There seems a disconnect between the article and that photo with it.

It's good she has come out though but it's sad what's she's gone through with the media gossip. I think it's good these issues are being to be talked about more. It's staggering how insensitive people can be when talking to people without children.