AIBU not to help DD out with childcare?

[reesep]

DD has a son with special needs age 5, and a daughter age 1.

She has requested I look after them one day at a weekend, every month. She has also requested I do some daytime childcare during the school holidays

This is so she can get into nursing. She's desperate to be a nurse and has been accepted into a Healthcare Assistant role on bank, meaning she can pick shifts

AIBU not to provide such rigid help? It's too much of an expectation and I can't handle it

I do feel bad but it's just too much. She also lives 1.5 hours away so it would mean bringing the DC here

AIBU?

Will she really, mystic Meg.

But otherwise it will fill the yawning gap in her CV which will make it very hard for her to re-enter the job market when her kids are bigger. I would see it as something I’m doing to let my daughter have a bit of a life again, rather than an ‘investment’ in a future career.

Yawning gap in her CV? Really? Perfectly normal to take some time out to look after young children. I’m sure it’s possible to be accepted onto a nursing degree with older children. You might have a better chance of finishing the course if you don’t have to juggle with childcare commitments.

Here were talking about a mum helping her daughter train to become a nurse, a profession the UK that has significant shortage. The help that's been asked, without the extra speculations here, involves an hr here and there, a day a month. The daughter has a sen child, and has been through a divorce. Nursing is her dream. I cannot believe the amount of people who are okaying the mum judging this woman's choice to retrain, her career of choice, and justifying the unsupportiveness even at the minuscule scale of ask.

Might make more sense for OP to train as a nurse then as she has fewer family commitments! Hardly a minuscule scale of ask if the DD does get accepted on a nursing course.

Hardly a minuscule scale of ask if the DD does get accepted on a nursing course

Everyone is ignoring this eventuality. Who will look after her children while she's doing her 4 shifts a week placements? Possibly 12 hour shifts. With only her mother to fall back on for child care.

This is the thing

Even if she had trained before having kids chances are she would have to have given it up due to having child with SEN

Just emphasises that adequate DLA and Carers Allowance payments to parents of kids with SEN are so so important

OP- the issue here is the lack of support in this country around childcare- and particularly childcare for children with additional needs. I have been a nurse and then went on to retrain in social work and have worked in child protection for nearly 20 years.

I found myself suddenly a lone parent during that time and had no nearby family support but luckily managed to patch together a way through by agreeing condensed hours, reciprocal agreements with other parents, occasionally taking DC into the office for the odd hour and spending lots of money on holiday clubs which we did not have/after school clubs which did not really fit around the hours I needed. The occasions I got stuck dealing with a crisis and finished late were horrific- no way could I have managed if still nursing and the shift patterns. It really is not possible as a single parent working on the wards without a partner/family to provide childcare. It was also a really toxic environment even nearly 20 years ago- totally unsupportive to lone parents and family life despite being predominantly a female profession at staff nurse level.

I totally understand your reluctance to agree to this as your daughter seems to have not thought this through. I also have a real issue with the assumption that grandparents should provide childcare- many will still be working themselves, have other commitments or in my case, if I eventually get to retire I have things I want to do having taken my first Saturday job at 14 and them from the age of 18-67 (at the moment) worked full time in nursing/child protection.

Just emphasises that adequate DLA and Carers Allowance payments to parents of kids with SEN are so so important

Yup. £69.70 a week I get, for saving the government £1000s a month if I had a nervous breakdown or dropped down dead. Hey ho.

If it were me, and if you really think the nursing thing won't work out I'd agree to a trial run.
One day a month, or fortnight, in between school pick up if necessary.
I wouldn't be doing it necessarily just to see if it was sufficient time,.I'd be doing it to give her some respite.

Your daughter didn't choose to have a child with a disability. I am grateful when my child was born with an unexpected disability my own mother stepped up to help whilst we got back on our feet.

Obviously I would have helped her in her old age anyway but knowing that she did that for us has made me plan it more proactively when the time comes.

You must have a lot of money not to worry about how your daughter might respond to your own need in future. Which does make me wonder if you could at least assist with some help financially.

I really feel for your daughter, whether she's being realistic or not it really does sound like the world has abandoned her. She will have that feeling anyways, seeing as she has a child with a disability, but it must be magnified when you are all on your own and no one lifts a finger to help.

But the OP lives an hour and a half away. How is she going to do this, bearing in mind the OP also has a 10 year old to drop off and pick up.

You must have a lot of money not to worry about how your daughter might respond to your own need in future.

More likely, OP wouldn't expect or want an adult child with an severely learning disabled adult child of their own to care for, to feel any obligation at all towards caring for her parent too.

I'm one of the older posters here, and it never occurs to me to treat my children well so that they look after me at some point in the future. I treat them well because I love them and I still feel some responsibility for them, despite them being independent and successful people who ask for nothing from me.

This whole MN thing about how grandparents who don't step up will be abandoned in their old age, bewilders me. Quite apart from the spitefulness of it, I'd say that the majority of old people DON'T want their children to have to care for them.

Well I'd assume the op can have her kid go to after-school club a bit late for one day a month.
Or dad picks up.
Or a friend picks up.
Or she pays a childminder for one afternoon.

I'd just not want my daughter to feel alone and driving three hours once a month doesn't seem like a huge ask when she is trying to pick up the pieces.

The point about providing respite just to help is worth discussing, it's a shame it got presented with a side order of the what will you do in old age nonsense. Quite apart from anything else, if the OP were going to engage in the sort of hard headed analysis some of you seem to be advocating for, why would she think the eldest of her three children who she must've had pretty young herself and who is liable to have significant lifelong care responsibilities for her child would be the likeliest option?

Coming on to say the

It was a point I was wondering about because of countless threads on here where elderly parents expect xyz.

But yes, I'd shelf the idea of doing it for a purpose and just do it to show your face and support her a bit. I imagine daughter feels lonely apart from anything else.

*Posted too early

I was coming on to say the same. It doesn't really matter what the OP asks, they are always told they are BU by the majority.

“ignoring the 3 hour round trip, the demands of nursing training and should she complete it, the realities of the job”.

They are ignoring those things… because OP daughter has said she’ll do the driving, and OP daughter needs to train and OP daughter needs manage the realities of the job… not OP!

OP asked is she was unreasonable not to help one day a month and in holidays! That was ALL she asked!! It is not up to OP to decide her daughter is asking to much of herself, it’s up to OP to decide if she’s asking to much of her…

The question asked is ‘is it unreasonable to refuse 1 day a month and holiday childcare so my daughter can pursue her dream’…

Mumsnet has answered that question!

In her later posts, the OP makes it clear that she is also looking at the longer term and how that will pan out. Which her daughter doesn't seem to be.

That’s not her place though is it… that’s the point!!

Er.....yes it is.

You think it’s OPs place to tell her adult daughter what her options are in life? What she is and isn’t capable of?

I seriously hope you’ve misinterpreted here, if not then you have bigger issues than fighting OPs corner…

It's not telling her what to do, but things that should be considered, which 1. Are pertinent to the OP's own circumstances when the initial request was made 2. What any parent worth their salt would do for their child, no matter what age.

As for me having issues, classic impertinence.

You think it’s OPs place to tell her adult daughter what her options are in life? What she is and isn’t capable of?

If capability is dependent on OP doing a massive amount of childcare, and therefore this limits her options, then of course it’s her place.

By OPs daughter… not OP 😂😂😂

I feel really sad for your DD tbh. Her life is really hard, she has a disabled 5yo, a useless STBXH, no respite, and a mother who has a second family and is prioritising them

If it wasn't for your younger children, you could probably go and stay with your DD regularly to help her out, but I'm guessing you'll say that's not an option. You're a SAHM and your DH commutes, so it seems unlikely that he'll be able to step in with your parenting duties while you're gone.

I get that your younger children have to take priority over your adult child but if I was her I'd be gutted.

A ‘massive amount of childcare’… 1 day a month and on holidays.

now I feel bad for your kids!